It's A Little Bit Funny This Feeling Inside

I'm not one for new year resolutions but this year I decided to give it a try. One of my resolutions is to share my content. I'm always so self conscious on what I post from pictures, videos, even memes (never music because I have impeccable taste, issa fact), because I know there will always be someone judging. I do it, you do it, everyone does it - it's just how the world is. Sharing my poems, my stories, my posts, it's all out of my comfort zone & I'm trying to do things out of my comfort zone all 2020.

In this post I'm going to be sharing a poem I wrote back in May 2018. This was around the time I began to fully live in my feelings, not run away from them like I've done in the past. The best way I can describe the feeling of 2018 is "It fizzes like cherry cola & tingles like kisses on my neck. I think it's called happiness." - Rae, My Mad Fat Diary. It started off as a love poem for someone but towards the end it was a love poem to myself. This was written off how I feel about myself when I'm around them & it was a feeling I had never experienced until then.

I say all the time that music is my love language so it's no surprise I titled it after the most romantic, & one of my favorite, songs in the world. It's right up there with Lady In Red in My Top 5 Love Songs. Also, it's part of Moulin Rouge, one of my favorite movies, where the writer falls in love with someone he can't have but fights for her love until the very end.

I am absolutely terrified, but equal parts excited, to share this on this page because it is something I've kept to myself & have only shared with 2 other people in this entire world. Sharing this is showing people another part of Saddie & I hope you like her.

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It's A Little Bit Funny This Feeling Inside

It feels amazing feeling a sense of happiness after feeling nothing for so long.

This feeling vibrates throughout my whole body & makes me feel like I can conquer the world.

Who knew one person could open up a roar so strong within me?

I didn't even know there was such a roar inside of me, begging to be heard after being silenced all its life.

Your light gives me something to believe in.

The feeling takes me higher than the clouds.

I wish I could bottle this feeling up & keep it with me forever.

Life stopped looking so bleak when I realized I deserved to be happy.

If it never comes to fruition, I will always have appreciation for the ray of light you exposed in my life, in everything around me.

Love is the trees I see daily - their leaves & flowers blooming everyday.

The leaves & flowers are me, blooming everyday.

You - the sun giving me rays of sunshine, strengthening me as the days go by.

I soak up all your divine light.

Love is in the songs I hear daily.

Songs given a new meaning since the lyrics left your lips - Time After Time, Careless Whisper, I Want It That Way.

As these thoughts are pouring out of me, Your Song is filling my ears & putting my feelings into words.

"I know it's not much but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song & this one's for you ..."

"Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen ..."

A song I used to sing at the top of my lungs with no attachment suddenly feels like it was specifically written for me.

"I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is while you're in the world."

I feel every lyric.

Is this what a crush feels like?

Seeing beauty & love in everything?

Suddenly I see love everywhere I go, in places where I once saw misery & pain - starting & ending with myself.

Me.

Someone I didn't think deserved to be loved until I changed my outside.

Maybe if I changed my appearance, people would see love in me too?

One day everything changed.

It was you & what you opened up within me.

Where I once saw an ugly & flawed shell undeserving & unable to show love, I now saw a being full of love & warmth waiting to escape.

It's as if I had all this love locked up in a small box in the closet of my body.

One day your sun ray poked it as it traveled through my body, causing it to burst wide open.

My arms went from being these huge, ugly things I kept hidden & could barely look at, to being the branches of my body that had the power to show love with a hug, with a touch, with all they could do.

My legs - what I once saw as ugly & shameful - I now see as my tree trunks which have supported & gotten me through this life of mine.

They keep me grounded & strong, how could I have ever looked at them different?

The middle are of my body, with its rolls & stretch marks - something I've cried over many times, wishing I could take a knife & cut it all off because who would want me otherwise?

Although it has been hard, I now see these rolls & stretch marks as a sign of life.

A sign I am still here, alive & blooming.

When I looked in the mirror, I used to see someone who didn't look like everyone else.

My cheeks, bigger than most, the acne scars spotted across, my crooked teeth & my wild hair.

When I look in the mirror now, I see someone who doesn't look like everyone else.

My acne scars showing how magical my body is by being able to heal itself.

My crooked teeth showing through my smile & my wild hair being wild - giving me my signature look.

My cheeks, bigger than most, with their dimples poking through every time I smile or burst into laughter.

My laughter - exuberant & raspy - showing how much I am enjoying this new life of mine, this new life you have exposed in me.

The love in the air, the water from the earth, your light rays - they give me all I need to nurture myself & bloom.

Love is in me.

Love is everywhere I turn - from the songs to the trees to inside of me.

Love is me.

Love,

Saddie