Hello beautiful humans,
I am back again. I know, I know! I said I was going to blog every week & yet here we are like 3 weeks later. I suck at blogging so bad because I want everything to be super perfect but life's not really like that. It's the control freak in me that doesn't want to put myself out there unless it's this totally put together persona & if we're being honest, I am nothing like that. When I first decided to start a blog, I wanted to be open & honest about everything but I slowly found myself scared because there were actual people I knew who would be reading this so I was scared to post anything that didn't sound interesting. Having people judge me has been one of the biggest triggers of my anxiety & although I've gotten through a lot with my anxiety, this little trigger always holds me back.
It's hard to actually explain what goes through the mind of people with severe anxiety because we know we aren't being logical. Trust me, WE KNOW! It makes it worse knowing how illogical we are being because we can't stop it. It's one of the worst feelings ever & I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't know what it's like to have "normal" anxiety because let's be real: everyone has some form of anxiety. My anxiety is the type that attacks me, as much as I try to mentally prepare myself, it attacks with the fullest of force & it breaks me down. I can feel it coming & I try to stop it but as much as I try, I fail. One of my latest anxiety attacks happened back in September. I was at a new nail salon & I remember feeling fine while walking in, actually excited about getting my nails done because it had been awhile. As soon as I walked in, I felt everyone's eyes on me. This sounds very narcissistic but it's true, it's how it's been all my life because I am fat. No matter where I go, I stick out & it's honestly awful. You get treated different as a fat woman, let alone a Latinx fat woman, but that is a post for another time.
I tried to ignore the staring eyes of the customers & the workers & I went to go pick my nail color. As used to it as I am, it never gets easier because you feel the look of disgust & the nudges to their friends. It never gets easier but sometimes you can chose not to pay too much mind to them. All the nail techs were occupied & as my aunt & cousin were getting their nails done, I sat down to wait until it was my turn. I must've sat there for 5 minutes when I started feeling tears in my eyes. Tears I could not stop. I blamed it on all the fumes of a nail salon but I knew it was because I was having an anxiety attack. I tried so hard to fight it because I was sitting there in the middle of the nail salon, crying & I didn't want to bring more attention to myself. 10 minutes later, I couldn't handle it anymore. I put the nail polish back on the rack & walked out to the car. I stood there in the parking lot crying because I was so uncomfortable & crying more because of how dumb I felt for standing there crying in a parking lot.
My cousin, who I was with, had called & asked why I had walked out when I was next. I tried to explain on the phone that I just couldn't be in there anymore but I just couldn't articulate what I was dealing with. She came outside to try & call me down & tried to tell me that no one was paying attention to me, that I wasn't the fattest person there but it was just making me feel worse because I felt like I was overreacting & crazy. It made me feel worse because I knew she was trying to help me with my anxiety & that she had driven 20 minutes out of town so that I wouldn't have anxiety. As much as she tried, it just wasn't working. We ended up coming home, her angry because she couldn't get through to me, & I was upset because I didn't know how to explain what the fuck was going on in my head. I spent the rest of the car ride back trying not to cry, it was horrible.
As soon I was dropped off at home, I went straight to my room, climbed into bed & stayed there until the next day. I was supposed to go a charity event that day but I couldn't because I was sick so I stayed in bed that day too. I spent the next 4 days just miserable because I hated myself for being so weak. I felt like I was making progress but that incident just took me 10 steps back. I was able to get myself together but it was only after 4 days of self loathing which is awful.
Incidents like these aren't uncommon for me, in fact, they are me. People around me associate this with me. I am happy that they aren't as common as they were before but they still happen. I wish I can say they never happen, but they do & they suck & I am trying to do better.
When I started this blog post, I had no idea where I was going with it. I didn't have much to write about, or so I thought, but here we are. I celebrated my birthday on October 27th & it was amazing. I had all the greatest people in my life celebrating with me & it was honestly amazing.I am excited for what this new age will bring me & I just want to continue being the best version of myself.
As for my next post? I will say Thursday of Friday for sure. I will do better!
Thanks for reading!!!
Here's a picture of me last Wednesday before work wearing the coolest shirt I own by @hasandpiker
PS: Head over to my playlist section so you can hear music I've been into. I would listen to my Trappy Christmas list but that's just me!