Let's start off by saying I suck so bad at keeping up with my blog. I swear I don't mean to. Let me explain...
It all started when I posted my last blog update a few months ago. I had never posted it on Facebook until then bc it's something like, I don't mind my friends on Twitter reading it bc most understand me. But once i put it on Facebook, ~actual~ people I ~actually~ knew in real life were able to read my inner, most personal thoughts. I know: it sounds so weird. It is not that I got negative attention on my last post. It was the opposite - people were SO supportive! Not being one who likes any attention on her, I completely shut down. I ignored Facebook for like a week when Sabrina had asked me on the way to my October weigh in if I had seen all the comments. I told her I hadn't bc I really didn't know how to handle everything. (I UNDERSTAND HOW INSANE THIS SOUNDS, TRUST ME!) She told me about all the nice comments & pretty much forced me to read them. Reading them & seeing how many people could relate with it made me so happy & shocked bc, for awhile, I thought I was the only one. Even if some people didn't have anxiety, they said it helped them understand the people in their lives who did have it & that made me even more happy bc understanding is the key to everything. There were so many comments & messages, it was overwhelming but a good overwhelming. To everyone who commented on my post & showed me love: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I appreciate all the kind words & taking the time to read my posts.
Anyways, what have I been up to since October? A lot & not so much at the same time. It has been a rough 5 months emotionally which has caused things to be rough physically. As you can see from the title of this blog, life has thrown many things at me. I have always sucked at sports so they've all hit me head on. My weight has gone up & down 10 lbs or so but I am proud to say that, as of yesterday's weigh in, I am down 57 lbs & 43 lbs away from reaching my 2nd goal of losing 100 pounds.
As I have mentioned before, I have always been an emotionally eater. During these past couple of months I have been reflecting on why I am the way I am & what are my "triggers." Learning what causes my anxiety & emotional eating has helped a lot to get it under control. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go, but I am in the beginning stages of learning to deal with things the right way.
One of the things I am working on is not reacting to everything bc not everything deserves a reaction. For all of my life I have dealt with people getting to have a say on my body & my life bc my life has never completely been my own. Every decision I have ever had to make has revolved around someone else like my brothers or my parents, putting myself & my feelings last. Within the past couple of weeks I have decided ease up as being the "command center" of my family & have let them begin to figure out how everything works. I am still here if they need help but I am not being as hands on as I used to for my own mental health's sake.
During February's weigh in I found out I gained 3 lbs. I remember being so upset bc even though I felt I was doing good, I was so stressed out during the month of January & early February that I was coping with food & not really realizing how much it was adding up. It wasn't a big jump & my nurse (who, by the way, is AMAZING!) wasn't too concerned about it bc she reminded me that this isn't just a weight loss journey, but a lifestyle change & there are always going to be bumps in the road so it's good to learn to deal with it now rather than later.
I haven't told many people this, aside from my immediate family & close friends, but I have decided to get VSG, which is a weight loss surgery. It took me a really long time to decide to go through with it & have gone to countless doctors & appointments. I was recommended to Dr. Herron from Mt. Sinai hospital bc he is the best of the best & he is the nicest doctor I have ever known. It is not a secret that fat patients have a hard time trusting in their doctors bc no matter what, everything always goes back to their weight. Oh, you broke your arm? Have you tried losing weight? Oh, you got the flu? Well maybe if you weren't overweight you wouldn't gave gotten sick. Yeah, I'd rather die than ever deal with a doctor like that ever again.
The nurses & medical assistants at Mt. Sinai's gastro center are the most amazing people ever & although I hate doing weigh ins, I look forward to seeing them every month bc they are so hopeful & believe in me, even when I never believe in myself. I have been with them since May 2017 & first walked in, lugging my oxygen tank. They have witnessed me have complete panic attacks before going on the scale & crying when I didn't lose any weight. They saw me when I walked back in there 3 months later without my oxygen tank & celebrated how far I came from being in ICU in January 2017. It has been an emotional roller coaster in the, now, 10 months that I have been with them but I know one of the first great decisions I made for myself was to be with them & continue with them even after wanting to quit so many times. I leave their office with the tools I need to troop through the next month for the following weigh in. They always help me come up with solutions to how I can do better & not once have I felt judged.
At yesterday's weigh in, I lost 3.7 lbs. It wasn't a lot & I was disappointed bc I had the fucking flu for 2 weeks & was on a diet of Gatorade & ramen noodles bc it was all I could keep down so that totally screwed me over. Then I had to move my appointment up 1 week earlier bc it was the day Sabrina had off & she is usually the one who takes me every month (which is one of the greatest things anyone has ever done for me.) So factoring all that, I feel like I could have lost at least another 4 lbs had I gone a week later but you know what, 3 lbs is 3 lbs less & it just means I am 3 lbs closer to my goal. I need to learn to celebrate the little things in life. It is easy to look at what didn't happen, like "I didn't lose that much," but I need to focus on what I did & I did THAT.
Changing my diet has helped with this weight loss & overall sense of feeling better about my decisions. In one of my earlier blog posts I mentioned how I was on a high protein, low carb diet, almost like the Atkins diet. I was on it for awhile but it was so hard to stick to bc I was only allowed 20 net carbs which a cup of cooked spinach is like 5 carbs so you can imagine what it was like. Nonetheless, I did it for a couple of months & struggled to get back on it since the holidays were over.
While I was quarantined in my room from the flu, I began watching videos on being vegetarian. It is something I have been wanting to do for so long but growing up in a household where there is chicken in your rice served with a side of chicken, I never thought I could do it. But it was all in my mind bc the real logic is that I can do it. If I really wanted to do it then surely I could find ways to do it, right? I researched the whole week how to meal prep & different ways I can replace the amount of protein I needed that I was getting from the meat with my other diet. Pinterest & Youtube really helped me bc I was able to see what other people were doing, what worked & what didn't. The next day I went shopping & I haven't looked back since ...
This lasted for all of 3 days bc I came across shrimp & I was like I can give up chicken but puhleaseeeee don't keep me away from my shrimp & fish so that's how my fake vegetarian ass became a pescatarian. I spoke with my nurse about my diet change & she thought it was a brilliant idea so we will see where this takes me.
So here we are, the end of this veryyy long blog post. Tbh, I am not sure if many people actually read this but I know it will be cool for myself to look back on a year from now. I was doing some reflection last night on how far I have come in this past year. January 2017 started off with being rushed to the hospital where I remained in ICU for 6 days. I was placed on oxygen 24/7 & was scared of going out. Before that, my depression kept me isolated & home for about 3 years, where I refused to leave my house unless I truly needed to. Fast forward to March 2018 & I am off oxygen, working & slowly gaining my independence. I feel truly lucky to have been given a second chance in life & that I have a great support system amongst those who I consider my family.
I am not sure what next year will bring or even next month honestly. But I do know that I want to continue with this blog & updating it, whether or not anyone reads it. I know I don't do things like usual weight loss blogs do like before & after pictures bc I am not quite comfortable with that. I have recently started taking before & after pictures of myself & regret not taking any at the beginning of my journey to truly see the difference but whatever. Maybe one day in the future I will be okay with posting them but not right now. I did buy a tripod & mic before I got sick bc I was planning on filming a video for my blog. I started a blog bc I knew it would push me outside of my comfort zone. I figured the second part is filming myself which is one thing I am highly uncomfortable with. I haven't had the time to do it but I have filmed short videos kind of describing what is going on in my head so I may add that into a mini vlog.
I think I definitely want to do "What I Eat In A Day" videos or posts as well as what my workout routine is. I am trying to incorporate more of it in my life so it is only right. I know my workouts are child's play when it comes to other people but I am doing what works for me at my current state so that's that. I am still all new at all of this so bear with me bc I am extremely awkward.
If you made it all the way to the end of this: thank you. Thank you for taking the time out of your day & reading what goes through my mind & life. I am going to updating a lot more frequently (I know I said that before but I am really going to try hard this time) as I get more comfortable with myself & all I can hope is that if you read this, you know everything is genuine & raw. I hope you enjoy this journey with me & helps you go after a change in your life, be it weight loss or personal bc as cliche as this sounds: if I can do it, anyone can do it!
P.S: I added a new playlist with ALL of my favorite songs & another of the current songs I have on repeat. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!
P.S.S: Here are a couple of selfies of when I began to feel like myself again.