Highs & Lows

Here we are in November. It feels kind of surreal we have 2 more months left in 2018 but it has been a great year for me in terms of growth & healing. Usually around my birthday I begin to feel so much pressure of the things I have yet to accomplish in life. I used to compare my life to everyone else’s because when your life is a mess, everyone else's lives seem so perfect. I finally stopped comparing myself & my life to other’s because I was doing a disservice to myself. Yeah, I haven’t accomplished some things in my life I wish I would have by now, but I have come so, so far & I couldn’t be prouder of myself.

October was my December 31st. My birthday is MY new year. Another lap around the sun. That’s usually the time people reflect on their past year & make goals for the incoming year. I spent a lot of time thinking about my future & how everything I’ve been through in life has gotten me to where I am now. I am in such a happy place right now & my mood just got more amped up because of the holiday season so catch me out here being incredibly cheery now until January 1st! Anyways, I was looking through my Snapchat memories on my birthday 2 years ago & I was just blown away at how much I’ve changed. Not only physically but in all aspects of my life. First thing I noticed off the bat were the physical changes. My face has thinned out a lot & so has my upper body. It’s crazy what a difference 95 lbs can make. Looking at those pictures also brings me back to all the feelings I was dealing with back then. I was really sad & depressed during that time. I will say Fall 2016 was the beginning of my lowest point in life. It’s when my health started to spiral & my family life was none the better. Thinking about it now gets me worked up tbh because I have been trying my hardest to keep all the negative thoughts out of my head & it’s been working but I think for me to grow as a person, I must be able to face my demons & what scares me head on. Don’t start clapping for me yet because I still avoid confrontation as much as possible lol.

When I think back to October 2016, I remember having this ominous feeling, like I wasn’t sure how things were going to go. I wasn’t really seeing a future for myself & I felt hopeless. Feeling hopeless is probably one of the worst feelings to feel because hope is what gets people motivated. Hope is what gets people going. It’s the reason why religion is big – you try & be a good person in hopes that it’ll pay off & you’ll get into heaven. Just think about all the things you hope for in your life: job promotion, love, a baby. You take the necessary steps to do what you gotta do in hopes that it’ll get you that thing. So now imagine not having hope? You feel like you have no hope in anything, so you feel like there’s no point on doing anything to help you reach for your goal because you have none to accomplish. It’s a rough cycle honestly & I was in it for about 2 years & it wasn’t until I ended up in the ICU that the cycle broke. Fast forward to October 2018 & I’m in a happy place. I feel like I finally have somewhat of a control on my life & it’s pretty awesome to feel like there is hope for me, for my future.

I started my birthday this year at work. Now for some people working on their birthday sounds awful, but I LOVE my job. I truly enjoy going there every day & although some of these clients are fucking awful, the people I work with are amazing & I am lucky to be able to work with people who are super supportive in everything I do when it comes to work & personal things. My birthday landed on a Saturday this year with a Norester in the forecast. Working in the tent business, winds are not ideal, especially 40 mph winds mixed with rain. Despite a couple of issues, it was another day I didn’t end in tears because of clients which is miracle because LET ME TELL YOU, THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING BRUTAL. Any day that doesn’t end in tears is a GREAT day.

I came home to all my favorite people in my kitchen with all my favorite foods. Can we just all admit that’s the best way you can celebrate your birthday? Honestly sometimes I forget how loved I am but then I see the effort & love my cousin & best friend put into this – a celebration of my life - & it puts everything in perspective. I had a really great time just hanging out with my family, especially since we don’t see each other often because of our busy schedules. My 25th birthday has to be my most favorite one I’ve celebrated because it’s the first time where I felt such happiness & gratitude for everyone & everything in my life. So that’s how I celebrated the beginning of my 25th trip around the sun – with my favorite people in the entire world & I could not have thought of a better way to celebrate it.

Everything up until this part of the blog was written on Friday, November 2, 2018.

Today is Sunday, November 4, 2018 & it is 1:23 pm & I am currently at work by myself – a typical Sunday.

A lot has happened since i began writing this blog. Long story short: I went out on Friday & ended the night early because my anxiety got the best of me & I have spent the past 36 hours either crying or trying to hide myself from the world. Everything was fine until it wasn’t & I couldn’t escape fast enough. For those of you who have anxiety, you know exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you who don’t know what it feels like, I can only try & explain it. It’s like this: you’re out with 2 of your favorite people in the world at a place for fun. You feel great, like you can do this even though it’s a Friday night & the place is packed. You begin to relax when one thing goes wrong & suddenly all you can think about is everything else going wrong & the things you are unable to do. While at the bar I was trying so hard to live in the moment instead of panicking. They had giant tv’s playing different games on each one. I remember the exact moment I checked out of the conversation & just focused on the game. The Knicks were playing the Mavericks & they won. No matter how much my friends tried to engage with me, I couldn’t snap out of it. I had to focus on something else or I was afraid I was going to start crying in the middle of the bar. It got to the point where I walked outside because I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt fucking awful because 1. I felt like a total buzzkill & 2. This was my first time hanging out with someone outside of our job & it was not the first impression I would have liked to have left.

When they both came outside, they were excited to go somewhere else, but I had already made up my mind that I wanted to go home & we did. I spent the whole car ride crying my eyes out because I was embarrassed & annoyed with myself. When you have severe anxiety, it presses on every single negative thought in your mind & makes them 10 times worse. I had spent the remainder of the night comparing myself to everyone & feeling so insecure about myself with everything. It felt awful & I felt awful for even letting shit like that cross my mind because when I’m not bugging out, I know I’m an amazing person. This latest episode of anxiety ended with me crying for like 2 hours straight & I didn’t get out of Carmen’s car until 4 am, after I said every awful thing that crossed my mind. To other people, this would be a lot to deal with & they’re right: it is. I am completely aware of that. This is exactly why I don’t make new friends or let people in because letting people see me at my most vulnerable is NOT IT. Thankfully, I have people in my life who think I’m worth it & I love me for me, flaws & all. I have someone who I could text in the middle of the night about what’s going on in my mind & someone who sits in the car at 3 AM until I am okay. I don’t know what I did to deserve such beautiful souls in my life but there is not a day that I take them for granted.

Earlier Friday night, before I started getting in my head, I was asked what my favorite year had been & I automatically said, “all my years have been awful.” He replied “wrong answer Saddie. This year is your best year. This month is your best month. Today is your best day. You have to tell yourself that, no matter what.” I haven’t stopped thinking about that moment since I got home. It’s something I will be thinking about for a long time as I continue to battle through this anxiety & weight loss journey. Again, I don’t know what I did to deserve another sweet soul in my life, someone who owes me nothing, sees me as Saddie, The Person, not as Saddie, The Fat Girl. I’d like to think that everything I’ve ever been through in life has led me to exactly where I am, to find the exact people I need in my life at the exact time I need them so thank you Universe, I am fucking grateful.

Anyways, this is a really long post but I had so much to say, it was needed. It shows the bumpy road on my journey & I know I will look back on this one day & be proud at how far I got.

My next blog post is going to be my goal lists. It’s something I have been thinking of but haven’t said out loud. I’m hoping it’ll help me with accountability as well as just speaking it into existence.

Thank you to every single person who reads my blogs & who reaches out to me about them. Whether with words of encouragement or telling me how much they can relate, it makes me so incredibly happy to think that people care about what I have to say so THANK YOU!

Love, 

Saddie