Month 9 out of 12.
Day 262 out of 365.
I am alive!
It's a bit bizarre to me how we are approaching October already. (Shout out Scorpio Season!) Today is the first day where it feels like fall; a cool, crisp 70 degrees & the leaves outside my bedroom window are slowly turning into different hues of red & orange. With the smell of my Pumpkin Spiced Chai candle in the air & Lady In Red by Chris de Burgh playing in the background, I feel at peace. Like in this very moment, I don't have to do anything but write this blog & for that, I am grateful.
Lately all I've been doing is surviving. Trying to survive this day to get to next week. Surviving this week to get to next month & surviving this month to get to the next. Everyday has been go, go, go that I haven't had a chance to sit back & reflect on everything I've gone through in the past 6 months. My life has consisted of work & overthinking my next move because I feel as if I'm not making moves, my goals aren't being met but overthinking makes me second guess my moves, leading me not to make any. In all of this I forget to breathe & live in the moment.
If one thing is for certain, my make-up is always on point at least:
It all finally caught up to me on Tuesday while I was at work & I realized I needed to take some time off to recharge. I caught myself being extremely irritable to those around me & making mistakes I would have never made if I was focused. I ended up taking 2 days off to kind of regroup my thoughts & just live as if I had no responsibilities for at least a day. These past 2 days I got to wake up on my own, without an alarm - although my body likes to wake me up at 5 AM every day because it hates me. I did a little retail therapy because I am finally in a position to be able to afford to dress how I want & buy things when I want. I was just able to do things *I* wanted to do on MY time & it felt great.
So much has happened these past couple of months that it feels like one big blur. I honestly have no idea where to start but say where this journey has led me, to this very moment. The past 6 months has been a time of a lot healing, a lot of changes to my inner circle, to what I have decided to invest my energy in. My goals have shifted a bit & new goals have brought a whole new meaning to what I want in life. I've been heavy on manifesting what I want from my life as of lately. I'm trying to be more open about what I want with The Universe. I used to be really hesitant when it came to expressing out loud what I wanted because I felt like I did not deserve to have any good things come my way. I was in such a dark place that just the thought of any happiness coming my way, made me die of anxiety because of the fear it could be taken away at any moment so I would rather not have it than to lose it. Now I am speaking my dreams out into The Universe with no hesitation because I fucking deserve it all! I've been through too much to not be able to reap the benefits.
This summer I've dealt with a lot of change & loss in those around me. These people aren't dead, but losing them feels something like a death. Sometimes you love people but need space from them or your paths lead in different directions. A year ago this would have been extremely devastating to me & I don't believe I would've been able to deal with it. Now I know I could survive this. There's no bad blood, it's just giving people the space to feel how they feel & space from you. A year ago I would've felt offended that someone would feel this way towards me. Today I know things happen for a reason & we will all be alright. We are all villains in someone else's story & I am okay with this.
With this new sense of emptiness, it's important for me to say how much closer I became with others around me. My cousin & I have always had a good relationship but once I opened up more with her, I felt much closer & she began inviting me out - which, let's take a moment to acknowledge the fact that I have actually been going out & not letting my anxiety get the best of me anymore! I appreciate the invite, the thought that someone would enjoy my company. That's the thing with depressed people: we still like to be invited, not excluded. My rock during this time has been my best friend. God bless her soul because she is one person who has never left my side. She has seen me at my absolute lowest & has been with me at my happiest. As a matter of fact, many of my favorite memories have her in it & I wouldn't have it any other way!
Living our best life at Veranda:
In my last post, back in April, I had just begun healing after having my heart ripped into tiny little pieces. What truly helped me get over it was letting go & kind of throwing myself into the world instead of hiding from it. I literally got a life. I began going out more, interacting more & just trying to see the brighter side of things. I went to see my favorite bands live, I began to socialize outside of the house & I just began to create a life of my own. Slowly, I began to feel less awkward & then one day I noticed I had walked out into the world without worrying what the fuck it was thinking of me. I began to do better at work & not being this shy, quiet person. I was actually voicing my opinions & taking charge of my world. I guess there was a reason for me to go through all this shit because I came out stronger than I ever thought I would. Like Saddie from 2 years ago would've NEVER thought she would reach this mindset, especially not at this weight. I always thought I had to be thin to have confidence but here I am, sort of confident & trying to live my best life.
Now, I know some of y'all are wondering what happened with my crush. I don't even know what to call it anymore. I wish I could say it disappeared but it hasn't. He makes me feel like what the beginning of Fireflies by Owl City sounds. I had this unnamed playlist on Spotify I would randomly add songs to until one day I realized I was adding songs that reminded me of him. I'll link the playlist right here:
I think I felt something like love when he was singing along to my favorite Bryan Adam's song recently. Music is my love language. It's weird to feel such intense emotions towards a person. The type of emotions that makes you write poems at 4 in the morning or saving a video to show them the next day. I have never felt this way towards someone & I think the reason behind it is because of how I feel about myself when I am around him.
This quote reminds me of him because having feelings for him introduced me to another part of me. A part of me I never knew existed.
I have never had a man (who wasn't family) show me such respect. I have never had a man, ever, be so kind. This is all just with us being friends so I know he is an actual good person! He asks my opinion on things when no one else asked or is paying attention to me. He tries to cheer me up whenever I am in my own head & the way he is with others is what made me actually pay attention to him. He also always stops what he's doing to kill bugs for me. I once saw a tweet that said: "if you want to stop having a crush, ask him his opinion on social issues." Okay, I did & we have similar views & even in the points we didn't agree on, he understood where I was coming from. He makes me see life with an open mind. I thought I was open-minded until I met him & I saw the world in different shades of color.
Honestly, I'm not sure what the future holds for me when it comes to love. In a perfect world I already met the man of my dreams, but this isn't a perfect world. Sometimes I wonder how I lived my whole life never knowing him until now. Like there was almost a chance that we almost never crossed paths.
A poem I haven't stopped thinking about since I read it:
What I can say is that meeting him has made me realize what I look for in a partner & I will never, ever settle for some half-assed type of love from anyone - EVER.
& to the right of my non-existing love life is my wellness journey. I wish I can say I've lost a ton of weight but I have been gaining & losing the same 6 lbs. I feel like I'm still struggling with trying not to eat my feelings & get on a steady eating schedule. Not even getting severely sick for 3 weeks straight after coming from El Salvador made me fucking lose weight. It's weird because when I came back from El Salvador in August, I took a body shot & definitely noticed I lost inches but the scale told me to try again when I went for my weigh in. I decided to do a before & after shot.
Before & after shots actually give me a lot of anxiety, to the point where I didn't even begin taking them until I had lost some weight. Even posting them right now is terrifying because once it's on the internet, it's out of your control. But I also think posting it will show people how fucking far I've come to reach this point.
As of right now, I am down 103 lbs. It's a bit embarrassing for me to admit the first picture is not me at my biggest. It's actually me down 45 lbs. Posting this is me at my most vulnerable. But I'm trying to be more vulnerable in life.
I want people to know that when you read my blog, you're reading a real person's feelings. What led me to become this way, how I almost died because I didn't want to deal with trauma from my past that it caught up to me. I also want them to see this journey isn't all about weight loss because what good is weight loss when you don't fix what's within? When you read my blog, you are seeing the progress of someone getting their life back when it was almost cut short. This is why I put so much effort in healing & learning how to forgive for my own sake because holding on to all that resentment, all that anger, all that sadness, led me to this. But learning to undo all the resentment, all that anger & all that sadness led me to where I stand today.
I think healing is a better look for me:
I am learning how to love myself & open myself up to the world instead of cowering within myself. Some people think I am too open but this is me admitting my flaws & when you can admit your flaws, no one can use them against you. I'm learning to take control of my body, doing what I want to do with it without giving a single fuck about what anyone says. I'm learning to put myself first in many situations which is still foreign ground to me but I am learning. It's almost like I'm looking at the world through new lenses. Everything looks so new to me, so full of possibilities. I have so many new goals I want to crush & I actually look forward to doing something that'll get me closer.
I wake up every day with such gratitude in my heart that I have been given another chance to experience life. Grateful for those around me who are constantly cheering me on. Grateful for The Universe bringing people who have taught me lessons that have helped me become the person I am today. Whenever I begin to doubt myself, I just think back on all the times I almost gave up & how, if I would have given up, I would not be where I am right now & that is EVERYTHING!!! I am learning to live every single day with more gratitude in my life because it makes me strive for more.
Lastly, I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read my blog. There are actually people who are subscribed to this. Like y'all get this sent to your email as soon as I post it, that's wild to me! When I post it on Twitter, I get so much love & people DM me saying how much they enjoy reading my posts which I am so thankful for even having the opportunity to do so. Thank you for actually giving a fuck about what I'm saying. I can't wait to be able to use this blog as a way to showcase different sides of me to the world.
Until next time, which is hopefully very soon,