I Never Fall In Love Then You Showed Up & I Can't Get Enough Of It
I'm not sure if it's the caffeine flowing through my veins right now or the notification from Facebook letting me know that I "have memories to look back on" that is giving me intense anxiety. It's most likely the caffeine because I can't seem to stop shaking as I swipe open the notification.
As a millennial, my whole life has been documented on the internet, from Away Messages on AIM to my most recent tweets. I was a lonely kid & always alone growing up so the internet has been my friend through it all. It's, ironically, where I am comfortable being my truest self. I have made amazing friends through it who have supported me in ways I never thought would be a possibility to me. I love the connections I made because of the internet.
But this isn't a post about how much I love the internet. This post is about a certain Facebook memory that caused me to have a mini existential crisis on this beautiful, sunny Tuesday.
10 years ago, it was perfectly normal to use Facebook like Twitter; updating your status frequently, no matter how stupid it was. I cringe at some of the things I used to share because I used to try so hard to pretend I wasn't like "most girls" 🤢
On this particular day 10 years ago, I thought I met the boy of my dreams. I remember this day so well, right down to what I was wearing. It's funny how memories work. I can't remember much of anything from four years ago but I can remember everything from this day a whole decade ago. We became each others support system for the next three years of our lives. At the time I thought he was the best thing to happen to me, as if the bare minimum was all I deserved. I thought he was great because he was the only person who listened to me, or who I thought listened to me.
I remember feeling grateful that he would confide in me with all his problems & how we would fall asleep on the phone at night. I was always there when things got rough for him but the moment I began to talk about what I was going through, I would be met with silence or "I'll call you later." When I look back to this time period of my life, I want to hug that Saddie for thinking all she deserved was a boy who wasn't even interested in her, just used her until he couldn't anymore. I thank that person for teaching me that I deserve so much more in life.
Once our friendship came to end, it felt like my world was turned upside down. This was around the same time I dropped out of college for the first time & a couple of months before That One Night In October. I remember thinking how I was never going to find someone else who would "understand me." I am so thankful it never worked out. I am a huge believer in things happening for a reason.
TW: The next part is going to briefly mention sexual harassment & abuse, depression & suicidal thoughts. Please read at your own risk.
When That One Night In October first happened, I remember feeling so ashamed & it brought back all the memories of what I had gone through as a child. Memories I had tried to block for so long. In those two years following that night, I remember going to sleep every night hoping never to wake up. I didn't want to live anymore. Everyday meshed into the next & it felt like there was no end to the suffering. This is what happens when you keep something bottled up for so many years. The scars & damage I did to my body is a constant reminder of what I went through all those years. I honestly never felt like I was going to get through those years …
Imagine my surprise when I found myself on the side of recovery. One thing that is not mentioned a lot about people with suicidal tendencies is that we don't really have a back up plan. Like I really did not expect to live after the age of 22 so I'm unsure of what I'm doing with my life at the moment. I feel like I've been stuck in limbo for the past three years. I know I'm moving forward but I'm not sure if I should go left or right.
These past three years I have been putting in the effort to heal my inner child. I've been able to recognize my flaws, what parts of me need work, what parts of me were perfect all along. I've had to check myself numerous times so I wouldn't go back to previous coping mechanisms. I've had to leave my ego at the door because there is no such thing as ego when it comes to recovery. I've had to come to terms that what I really know is nothing at all. This journey has been very emotional, to say the least.
But this journey has also helped me dig deep inside of me & recognize my values in life, how I see & speak to myself. I used to hate every single part of myself. I could never see how anyone could ever truly love me because people only ever said awful things to me. It didn't matter that three people said I was great when there was a person at every corner I turned telling me I was disgusting, I was ugly, I didn't deserve to live. When I first decided to commit to healing, I remember my therapist at the time told me to take a picture of myself everyday. Don't delete it. Look at everything about myself & say all the things you like about yourself. I remember thinking it was bullshit because for the first couple of weeks I couldn't find a single thing I liked about myself. Not one thing!!! Literally everything I saw in my pictures were attached to comments people had made about them.
When I couldn't automatically find something I liked about myself, I began to fake it. I began to say things I wish people had said to me instead like "I love your curly hair." "I love your smile." "I love your laugh." This turned into an awakening because I found myself asking WHY THE FUCK DID I CARE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKED ABOUT ME??? Half the time people don't even like themselves so why should I care if they liked me?! Everything after that point became about ME. I had to live with myself for the rest of my life. How could I be a shifty person & live with myself for the rest of my life? How could I hate myself for the rest of my life? I hate that saying "if you don't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to love you" because it makes it sound like people who don't love themselves, don't deserve love BUT I think once you start to love who you are as a person, you won't go seeking love you think you deserve because when you don't love yourself, you think you don't deserve to be loved the right way so you settle for the worst.
I used to think that the only way anyone would ever accept me would be if I lost a ton of weight & had a lot of money. It took me a long time to realize that I love who I am as a person & because of that I am comfortable enough to be myself & that attracts the right people in my life. Not everyone deserves my energy & I am grateful I came to that realization.
I was a nervous wreck when I posted my last blog post talking about what I had gone through. I was actually terrified of exposing myself with something I hadn't even spoken to my therapist about. Needless to say I did not expect so many people to offer me their words of support. So many people shared their stories with me. I was also so angry because so many people shared their stories with me. To think that all these beautiful souls have had to deal with something so heinous made me so sad but it helps to know you're never alone & when you think nobody understands, there is, sadly, a whole army of survivors.
The day after my last post went up, I stopped taking my anxiety medication. I had started taking it back in June when I had returned to work & I couldn't survive my days without it. Last month I felt I didn't need it so I came off of it & I've been raw dogging reality ever since. It's been a whole month off of my anxiety meds & I actually feel fine.
I feel like I'm finally coming into the person I am meant to be, whoever she is. Most days I wake up & I'm excited to go to work. I feel like I'm not afraid to speak up for myself anymore. Since the last time I posted I got a mothafuckin raise! Money isn't everything, honestly, but it makes a difference when you're able to focus on other things instead of surviving. I feel like I'm so over apologizing for taking up space in this world as if I don't deserve to be here like everyone else.
Today was my day off & I spent it watching movies, drinking an absurd amount of iced coffee (I only allow myself to have coffee on my day off & one Sunday a month), & performing WAP in front of a live studio audience (my dog). There was this one line in the movie I was watching that said "are you living or are you existing? I spent my entire life giving it away. I think I'd like to keep the rest to myself" & my mind has been stuck on that for the past couple of hours. Am I living? What does it mean to actually live? I know I'm just starting to live. I know there is so much more to life than these four walls. I know there is so much love for me to give to the world, to my friends, to my future partner & kids. As I said before, I truly believe things happen for a reason. There is a reason why I went through everything I went through. There is a reason that this point led me to that point that led me to the exact moment I am in right now. I have to believe that The Universe™️ has greater plans for me. I have to believe that the life I'm manifesting is making its way to me. I feel like I am so close to getting the life I want because I now see myself deserving of it. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be happy & I deserve peace.
If you made it this far, thank you, from the absolute bottom of my heart. I began writing these posts for me, to document my journey through it all. I never expected people to be able to relate to anything I wrote. Never did I think being so open about my life would be part of my healing process but it's been so healing.
We are entering my favorite part of the year: the fall! My 27th birthday is in two months & I'm not sure what I have planned for my next trip around the sun but I hope it is filled with lots of blessings. I am going to continue manifesting the love & life I deserve, as well as a couple of more tattoos 😉
Anyways, until next time ✌
PS: I've been writing so much during quarantine & after quarantine. I'm still so shy to share my poems but I wanted to share this one because I literally woke up at 5 AM to write this & I had totally forgotten about it until I looked at my notes today. It was inspired by a poem I read on IG that I can't remember. Honestly, I'm not sure what love is but I can say that whatever I am feeling is making me into a better person. Even if nothing comes from this, the growth I have done because of it will be worth it. Enjoy! ❤
What Is Your Favorite Song?
By that I mean what is your favorite song when you're happy?
Does it make you want to dance?
Or is it the one that reminds you of a time you felt free?
What is it that you do to unwind at the end of the day?
Do you reach for the bottle with liquid the color of your eyes?
Do you walk in the shower, hoping the hot water washes away the worries of the day?
Maybe you blast the radio as loud as it can go to block out the noise in your head?
What is your favorite song when you're sad?
Is it the one that makes you cry like Rose did over Jack?
Or is it the one you scream out until there's nothing left inside?
What is your favorite movie?
Is it the one where 2 people meet at the right time & live happily ever after?
Or is it the one where the lion cub becomes king?
Maybe it's the one you used to secretly watch with your mom about the women who ran their world & created their own happiness?
What is your favorite song when you're in love?
Is it the one that makes you feel like you can conquer the world?
Or is it the one that makes you feel like home?
What is your favorite color?
Is it the hues of blues in your favorite shirts?
Or is it the caramel swirls in your hair?
Maybe it's the shade of red you turn whenever someone compliments you?
All these questions are pieces of the puzzle that is you.
The puzzle I've spent years trying to put together.
The little pieces of you that make me fall in love with you.