A Facade Only Gets You So Far
Snow is beautiful as it falls because everything looks so serene, so cozy, but after a couple of hours it turns into disgusting slush, cold & numbing. Some people are like snow. It's only befitting that it's snowing outside & Vicente Fernández is softly playing through my headphones as I write this post about how feelings for some people should be treated like snow: shoveled into a pile & wait until it melts away. It would be so much easier if we could use a flamethrower for both, but only time can get rid of both.
I am a VERY emotional person. I know this, we all know this. I cry at everything. I cry happy tears, sad tears, angry tears, sappy tears. I used to think crying made me a weak person but it's a part of who I am. It's how I show emotion & it helps me release my emotions. You know that feeling after you've cried your eyes out? I always feel like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I love listening to songs that embody my emotions, whether it be sad or happy. I'm known to listen to sad songs when I'm happy. I just love listening to songs that make me feel something. There's something about the line "por tu maldito amor, no puedo terminar con tantas penas. Quisiera reventarme hasta las venas" that's hitting right now because it's embarrassing how I would've given everything in the world for the person I loved to have loved me back. I'm so thankful I'm in a different state of mind these days because this would've absolutely destroyed me 8 months ago.
How long is heartbreak supposed to last? How long is it supposed to last when it was one sided? I think I am at the point where I am actually okay. Of course there are some days when a song comes on & it brings me back to a very specific moment in time & I feel like my heart is shattering. Sometimes I see something that I want to show him but then remember I've cut off any contact (other than work) with him, for my own well-being. Thankfully these moments are getting lost in between good days. The Universe said "bitch, you're getting the FUCK over him & moving the fuck on" but like damn, did she have to be so harsh? I'm sure there was another way.
Let's go back to the middle of December. If you remember from my last post, I was already starting to get over FQ (that's what I'm calling him for the purpose of this blog.) He was displaying very questionable qualities & I was like "damn bitch, you really think like this? 🤢" Now I know he was showing out for someone else at work. Looking back, this is all a blessing disguised as a lesson. See, where I fell for his kindness, generosity, & humor - things he stopped displaying a while ago, his ego, greed & lies attracted a different type of person. A lower calibre person, you can say. When I thought of him, never did I think of what he could give me. I didn't care how much money he had or his "power". I just loved how I felt around him. I love how he encouraged me to always do better. I was already a great person when we met, but my feelings for him made me that much better so for that, I thank The Universe for allowing our paths to cross.
Honesty is so fucking important. It is very hard for me to open up & trust people because all my life I've been neglected & lied to. They say betrayal never comes from strangers, it comes from those you love & that's a fact. I've been going to therapy weekly for the past 8 months & it's helped me better my relationships with others & myself. It made me learn to not take things so personally, but I will never NOT take someone lying to me personally, especially when it took me so long to trust someone. The moment you decided to lie to me, you said fuck me, that I wasn't worth the truth.
So long story short, I've known this person for a while but was never close to them. I brought them into my safe space on the request of someone I love. I was hesitant but I really do like helping people when I can so I did. It was definitely a rocky couple of months in the beginning but we worked through it & became close. I felt like I could trust her & I opened up to her, included her in my circle, & asked for her advice when I needed it. I explained to her my feelings for FQ & how hard it was being at work, knowing I had to see him every day. Her response was always something like "you could never guess because you're handling it so well." I should've known something was up when she started asking me every other day how I felt about him. I didn't think anything of it, I just thought she was checking in on me. There were times when I had questioned if there was something going on between them but I was like "Saddie, you're crazy. She would never do that to you!" If there's anything I've learned in these past two years is that if someone says they would never do anything to hurt you, it means they're going to hurt you 10x more because bitchhhhhh, she just proved to me that there truly are fake, grimey, disingenuous people in this world.
I found out there was something really going on between them on New Years Eve. Here's a tip: if you're going to be a sneaky bitch, let your best friend know so they don't accidentally expose you. Even after I found out, I kept quiet because I wanted her to tell me. I gave her so many chances to say something but she didn't. The final straw for me was when she was trying so hard not to show him in her IG stories but I don't think she knows about reflections. Nonetheless, I blocked her & started acting like she didn't exist at work. I decided I wasn't going to put any more energy into our friendship. She had the nerve to text me saying she didn't understand why I was so hot & cold with her & when I told her that I had found something out & I wanted nothing to do with people who lie, she began to attack me, trying to use all the shit I had confided in her against me. She was deflecting, blaming me, gaslighting me & still denying there was anything to find out. She's lucky I'm in a better place because the old me would have dragged her & not gave a fuck about her feelings but the new me knew she was speaking of a place of hurt & knowing who she is so I just told her I'd be here whenever she decided to tell the truth.
Imagine my surprise when I'm having a wonderful Monday morning last week & I get a text from FQ confirming everything going on between them? I already was 80% convinced it was true & my feelings were at 50% with him but I would be lying if I said it didn't break my heart reading that text. Top 10 worst moments of my life. I literally left the office, crying my eyes out, which added another layer of embarrassment to the situation. So many things were running through my mind, #1 being to quit on the spot because I would be damned if I was stuck working with both of them in the office. I've said this in past posts that, at the end of the day, FQ didn't owe me anything, but at the very least I thought we were friends & the way he went about things & who he did things with proved otherwise. Now I'm not saying she owed me anything but I thought she was my friend too. Like knowing the history of what I went through & you chose to move like that? I've never asked for anything from this person & I've helped her with so much through the five years that I've known her & I was met with this disrespect? Straight up bird behavior. The silver lining in all of this is that I don't have to ever see her again because my boss thought it would be best if she didn't come back if he wanted me to stay. AS HE SHOULD because there was no comparing who the better employee was anyways.
I definitely am a believer of things happening for a reason & being in the right place at the right time. An example being as I left the office to go cry upstairs in peace, I was stopped by someone who talked me out of making a mistake based on my emotions at the moment. Sometimes you need someone to talk some sense into you but also not invalidate your emotions. He was like "what did you come here for?" I was like "to cry, obviously" & he was like "no, you came here to make money, not fall in love." I was like "okay, true but I still feel so heartbroken & sad" & he was like "that's okay. You can go home today & cry but you come back tomorrow & make your money." I honestly was so taken back by the whole conversation because he was so right like was I really about to let a bird get in the way of my money? Absolutely not. It was a real turning point because on one hand, two people who I thought were my friends, betrayed me, making me question how I could trust people & showing how fucked up people can be. On the other hand I had someone taking time out of their day to make sure I was good & made sure I didn't do something I would regret later. Anybody else would have just let me pass by crying & minded their business but they didn't. So like yeah, I absolutely have the best coworkers. My one coworker has known everything from the beginning & helped talk some sense into me these past couple of weeks to lessen the blow. My other coworker knew I was heartbroken & made sure I ate when it was the last thing on my mind. Even my boss was very understanding. When he called me into his office to see how I was holding up, I was ugly crying, like Kim K ugly crying. I hated being one of those people who couldn't control their emotions in a professional setting but my office has violated so many HR rules, I didn't care anymore. I remember telling him how hard it is for me to open up to people because shit like this happens & he was like "I'm sorry to hear that, but I want you to know that despite this, there really are genuine people out there who are not out there to hurt you & love you." That shit made me cry even more. I was just a pool of tears the whole day.
Looking back, it wasn't the fact that they were together that hurt me the most, it was the fact that I questioned my judgement & doubted myself. I felt like I could trust this person & when I started feeling like something was going on, I shut it down because I didn't think she would do that. I blamed those thoughts on my mental illness & felt like a terrible person even having these thoughts about her because I thought she was a genuine person. Turns out I was fucking right!!! I'm never going against my gut instinct again because it's never been wrong. I was also angry because I felt like I couldn't trust how I read people. Here I thought they were both good people & she turned out being one of the most manipulative, fakest, vapid people I've ever met & he ended up being a huge disappointment. I guess I can blame myself for this because I romanticized him into what I thought he could be but in reality he was just a regular guy. Part of me wants to warn him about the snake pit he landed himself in because he does not know who this person truly is but that is not my place. He will have to find out on his own like everyone else has with this person.
I wrote everything above 16 days ago. These 16 days have been a roller coaster & I contemplated posting anything. Part of me doesn't want to give people energy but the other part of me wants to let it out. Honestly, it's not fair that I always have to be the bigger person in every situation. People go their whole lives fucking over people because no one tells them they're fucking wrong. We need to normalize telling people they're scum of the earth. We need to normalize telling people off because then they think they can keep on going in life treating people like shit. Enough is enough. Fuck those type of people.
Last Tuesday was my day off & the energy I felt all day was amazing. I hadn't felt that great in so long. I was dancing around my house, living my best life. It was the highest I've felt without taking any drugs. Around 5 pm that day I saw something that sunk me & I just couldn't stop crying. I cried for hours, like soul-crushed, gut-wrenching crying. Do you know how hard it is to cry quietly? I didn't want anyone to hear me because I was embarrassed for the reason. I took Nyquil to knock myself out so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore, at least for the night. It only worked for a little because I was up at 4 AM & laid in bed, crying my eyes out, until my alarm rang at 5:30. I cried in the shower, I cried while getting dressed, I cried when doing my makeup. Do you know how hard it is to do your makeup when you can't stop fucking crying?! I cried at work. I just cried & cried & cried. I had an appointment with my therapist at 11 that day & I literally just cried the whole time. I told her I didn't know why I was crying so much when I felt fine the day before. I told her I felt so stupid for crying over something like this when I know there are much bigger things in the world. She told me it was okay for me to cry because I was grieving for something that could have been. I was grieving for loss of friendship. It was hitting me hard because I was trying so hard to avoid it because I "didn't want to give it energy." Well, guess what? Solange was right: you can't smoke, drink, sex it away. You literally have to feel through these emotions. There's no other way to heal, unfortunately.
Since then, I've been okay. So okay that at my weekly therapy session, I didn't have much to say to my therapist because it was a good week! It's crazy how time works because just the week before I couldn't stop crying & felt so low & this week I felt like I could do anything. I even decided to start talking to FQ, slowly. Look, we have to work with each other. I initially told him I didn't want shit to do with him if it didn't have to do with work but it just made things really awkward in the office for everyone. It was to the point where if I was playing my music out loud & he started singing along to it, I just wanted to change it. Like no bitch, you don't get to enjoy shit around me. Be miserable. Will it ever be the same as before? Hell no because I now know what type of person he is & there are no more rose-colored glasses to hide that. I definitely don't trust him but I'm not going to waste my energy hating him. He has enough problems to deal with.
Time is very weird & it's crazy how much can change in so little time. The person I was last month is completely different than the person I am today. The person I was last week is completely different than the person I am right now. This week I feel like I can conquer the world. I've never felt so sure of myself as I have this week. I've been doing things for myself. I've been taking more risks (not big risks because I'm still me, come on.) I've just been enjoying life a little bit more & not taking things I can't control too seriously. I'm learning how I want to be treated by people, I'm learning what I like. I'm just learning more about myself & tapping into my femine energy more. I've always been big into astrology & things of that nature but recently I started getting into crystals & I bought a couple to start me off & I can't wait to explore more. I've started meditating any time I can to help center me because Lord knows, life's been stressing me the fuck out lately.
Pretty much, these days, I'm trying anything that will bring peace & love to my life. I promised myself back in October that I would be living my life on my terms & I feel like this situation gave me the wake up call I needed. I don't need anyone to make me complete - I am complete on my own. I don't need to worry about the opinions of others, only my own. If I want to do something, I'm going to do it. I'm so tired of living my life with regrets & letting my anxiety get the best of me. A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about all the concerts I missed out on because of anxiety or because I didn't have anyone to go with. Everyone who knows me knows concerts are my happy place. I am truly myself, truly in my element. Sometimes I get so fucking mad at myself but then I remember this quote I saw on IG about how you wouldn't be at this place in life if you hadn't gone through A, B & C.
This year has had a couple of bad days but it's been very eye-opening, so far. I've learned more about myself than I have in the past two years. I would say for the past year I've slowly started deprogramming my mind on what society expects me to be. I always thought it was best to hide, be invisible, because I wasn't thin. I didn't want to stick out because I was bullied enough in school all my life but not when I was invisible. Newsflash: THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY FOR ME TO BE INVISIBLE. I'm going to stick out, there's no place for me to hide so I might as well be the person *I* want to be. I don't have to make myself small so people will accept me because the right people will accept me & the rest can fuck off. Once I started thinking like this, I swear no one could tell me shit. I feel so fucking powerful. This is truly when I started tapping into my divine feminine energy. I started feeling my emotions & trusting my inner voice. I started taking charge of what I wanted my life to look like. I've never felt this level of confidence in my life. I know I have a long way to go but I'm soaking every step in.
One thing I'm trying to decondition from is what I've been taught about sex, from growing up in a somewhat religious household & a misogynistic society. I've always been told to wait until marriage to have sex, been told about all the bad things that can happen if you're not careful. Seen how women are treated as if they're worth nothing because they've had sex meanwhile the same men they slept with are patted on the back. People already talked about me & I didn't want to give them any more things to talk about. For the past couple of years I've been more open minded when it comes to sex. Women deserve pleasure as much as men & they don't have to be married. Women don't owe anyone their sexual freedom. I can say all this about other women but for myself, it was a different story.
I always had my whole life planned out & The Universe laughed because nothing ever came out as planned. I thought I would be married with kids at 23 & here I am at 27, a virgin & never been in a relationship, heartbroken over someone I was never in a relationship with. But I say things happen for a reason & I believe because at the same time I started feeling lost, The Universe put someone in my path who has opened my mind like no one else. Maybe it's because I was ready for this step that makes everything easy with this person & I feel comfortable & safe to do things with. There are no expectations of this going anywhere more than friends & I think that's what makes it easier. There's no judgement. It's a little insane how chill this all is.
But I'm not going to lie & say it's all perfect because I'm still me & I still get in my head. I tend to self-sabotage when things are going great & I overthink on things that don't warrant it. As a person who has been sexually abused, intimacy scares me. I still flinch when I am touched & I cried the first time I went to the OBGYN. But with this person, I feel very safe & that is the most important feeling for someone like me. I don't feel judged, I don't feel pressured & we move on my terms which is like the bare minimum but sadly, not many people do the bare minimum. I remember when I first considered moving forward with all of this & wanting to say no because I felt like I at least had to be in a relationship to do things like this but who says that? Who says I have to be married? Who says I can't enjoy myself? There's literally this person who respects me & I feel safe with, what else do I need? There were some days where I would be like "oh my God, I'm such a whore 😭" & he'd be like "I promise, you're not." But so what if I was??? Anyways, God bless this man for the patience he has with me & all the times I've tried to sabotage a good thing. I don't know what the future has in store for me in this situation but I am grateful The Universe put someone like him to help me discover this new version of myself.
2021 has been filled with a couple of bumps in the road but it's also opened new doors. I've been thinking of what I want to accomplish this year, what I want to do, who I want to become. I started writing a little 2021 bucket list & a vision board because we're manifesting love & happiness every day around here! Who knows what next month will bring - I don't even know what tomorrow brings. All I know is that I want to keep pushing forward. As much as I don't like being heartbroken, this heartbreak needed to happen to continue putting myself first because I was losing myself to a false narrative. We're not doing that shit ever again because I deserve soooooo much better.
As always, thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I had people reach out to me this past month about how they enjoyed my posts & they've seen how far I've come. Sometimes I forget people actually read my posts! Also, thank you to everyone who has checked up on me. I tweeted so much about the ex-loml & when everything happened, so many people reached out to me. Not once did they invalidate my feelings. That shit means the world to me. Forever grateful of the support system The Universe has given me.
Love you all ❤
PS: check out my new tattoo & it's meaning!
My IG caption: All of my tattoos are inspired from a specific chapter of my life. This tattoo is dedicated to the current chapter of finding myself bc I've never truly known myself ✨🌻 This tattoo has a couple of different meanings. I took the inspiration from my favorite Mac Miller album, "The Divine Feminine" & added a daydreaming cupid 💘 bc he is the god of desire, attraction & affection. Plus, he is so cute 😍 Shout out my artist @pickleflavoredchapstick for the idea of cupid in the middle & doing this beautiful piece on me 🙌🏼
The Divine Feminine album is my favorite bc, on the surface, it looks like he's just talking about honoring & loving women, which it is, but The Divine Feminine also signifies the Universe. In an interview he said "Treating the world how you’re supposed to treat a female is awesome. The more you make love to it & the less you try to fuck it, the better it all becomes for you. It’s a deeper experience with life. I’m trying to cuddle the world after sex, not keep the Uber running & dip out." Once I started appreciating life, even the hard lessons it taught me, The Universe started returning the good energy.
The end of 2020 &, 2021 so far, has brought lots of healing to my inner child. I've also discovered different versions of myself I never felt like I deserved to experience bc of what society had led me to believe. I'm so excited to learn more about myself & expressing my inner Divine Feminine 💘💫💘💫💘
The usual photo dump. Also dyed my hair almost black 😄🖤