Honestly, I started this blog post 2 weeks ago & have rewritten it for the third time already. My fear had gotten the best of me & kept me from publishing anything I wrote. Given all that's been happening around the world lately, especially this past weekend, I decided to write about what it's been like for me these past couple of weeks - no smokescreens.
The past couple of weeks have been extremely rough on me, mentally, emotionally & physically. My depression slowly crept back up on me & then hit me all at once. As a person who has suffered with depression for a long time, it's just one of those things that's always taking space in the back of your mind. I've been blessed that these past 2 years have had more good days than bad days, where I didn't even give my sadness a second thought. I guess I started feeling the symptoms come out during the beginning of December but didn't really get a chance to acknowledge it because the holiday season kept me so busy. It wasn't until after the craziness of the season came to a stop, I found myself isolating myself from everyone, leaving me alone with my own thoughts.
It's hard to believe we are almost a month into 2020, although January feels like it's gone on forever. The energy around the new year gives me so much anxiety. Much of this has to do with my own expectations & time frames I've set for myself. I feel like I'm rushing to get things done or as if I've failed some life test when things aren't done "in time." I know we shouldn't compare ourselves to others, & I've been doing a lot better with it, but it's hard when everyone around you is celebrating these big milestones & you feel like you aren't even close to getting there. I know The Universe has it's timing for everyone & my time will come, but it doesn't make the ache of missing out hurt any less.
Lately I feel like I'm one comment away from going completely insane. I don't feel like anyone understands what I'm going through so I just shutdown & hide. I don't want to talk to anyone because I feel like I'm such a bother & the thought of someone finding me annoying when I'm trying to talk to them about what I'm going through is enough for me to burst into tears. I 100% know this is my anxiety making shit up but it doesn't make it stop. These days, putting my thoughts into sentences that make sense is almost impossible.
Almost as if a sign from The Universe, the song playing at the moment I'm writing this post explains almost all my emotions better than I ever could: "Am I wrong for being lost? The pressures of being boss exhausted every bone in my body, I can't walk. I don't talk, I scream. I don't stop to think. I'm so close to the dream that I can't go to sleep ... I still smile, but feel so fake. It’s no sun, the clouds are opaque."
Today was an awful day from the beginning & is one of the reasons why I'm writing about it because I'm just E X H A U S T E D. I woke up excited to go to my monthly weigh-in because I knew I was eating better & just felt it in my body that I was losing weight. I had gained 8 lbs between November & December & I was fucking crushed because I had been juggling the past 5 lbs this whole year & here I was adding 8 more lbs, taking me further away from my goal.
After 2 weeks of the flu, I started meal prepping, making sure not to skip meals & just moving more. I had been seeing my therapist on a weekly basis & together we would come up with different ways to do better. I left every session confident I had the tools to tackle the next day. Imagine my disappointment when I stepped on the scale & I hadn't lost 1 fucking pound! I stepped off of it immediately & felt as if I was having an outer body experience because I saw them taking my blood pressure but my mind just became completely numb. Like there was no way I had worked so hard for this & I felt different! As soon as they put me in the room to wait for my doctor, I bawled my eyes out. Like an ugly, can't breathe kind of crying. I was so frustrated & at that moment, I wanted to quit. I told my nurse I didn't want to come back, I didn't care. What is the point of working hard when things like this happen? How is this fair? It just felt like another blow to my already fragile soul.
There are only 5 people in the world who know this about me but I am doing all of this because I want to have kids. Soon. As in, within the next 2 years soon. All these tests, all these appointments, all my therapy sessions, finding the motivation to get through the day - I'm going through this because I want to be the best version of myself for them. This is all for me, yes, but also for them. I've wanted to be a mom for so long. I've dreamed about it & for the longest time, I felt like it was something that was never going to happen to me because I didn't deserve it. I was also embarrassed to say I wanted to be a mom because people make it seem like your life will be over. "Travel, experience life, then settle down" are things we are taught growing up. If that is what you choose to do, I am so happy for you. It wasn't until my second therapy session this year that made me feel less ashamed for wanting this. I remember sitting there, embarrassed I had said it out loud & thinking I was going to feel judged but my therapist made me realize these are normal thoughts & I have not stopped thinking about that feeling. Now here I am, announcing this shit on the world wide web, speaking things into existence.
On my way home from the appointmen, thr thought of quitting was there but I just can't. I have invested so much into this because I want this so bad & I deserve this. My only proud moment of today was talking myself off the ledge, for once.
After spending all my morning crying, I spent the remainder of the day ... crying at my desk. This whole day has had me in a pool of tears, between seeing sad posts everywhere to just my own thoughts, I can't seem to escape the tears. I'm a sensitive person in general. The way I soak in someone's mood & notice the changes can have me in tears, as it did today. I even tried to blame it on my hormones but it's not. I think it's just pure exhaustion. I'm so tired of holding everything in that any little thing is bursting open the dam of my emotions & I'm just letting it all out. I came straight home to write this & I've cried about 5 times while writing this, but I'm so relieved so be writing this & letting it out into The Universe & letting it take over. Whatever happens, happens.
If you've read this far, thank you. I started this blog for me & didn't realize how many people actually read it & check in on me & share their stories or give me advice. Everything has always been love when people comment on my posts which makes me want to cry, but happy tears! My goals for this blog are just to write more on it, about everything. I want to share not just my blogs but my poetry, my short stories. I want to write a children's book. I want to write a book. I want to get back into singing, singing everywhere. I want to meet all my friends from all around the world who have showed me love for the past 8 years. I want to see Harry in concert. I want to introduce new ideas into my job. I want to dance - like dance as if nobody is watching & not be afraid dance. I want to be in Santorini with the loml looking off into the sunset with a piña colada in my hand. I want to have 3 or 4 or even 5 kids (I'm sorry to the future father of my children, but I have had their names picked out since I was little. You can pick their middle names.) I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
At the beginning of this post I felt so sad & writing everything I want to cross off my bucket list showed me all the amazing things I can make happen. It reminds me of all the people I love & who show me nothing but love. I am going to make it my mission to get closer to my goals daily & I hope, more than anything, to make myself proud.
We're doing better 2020 & beyond.
PS: Below you can find the beginning of the post I was originally going to publish if interested.
Let's Catch Up
Life is very weird. Three years ago, to this exact day, I had no idea what I was doing with my life, much less if I even wanted to continue living. As awful as this may sound, it's as real as it gets: you don't make any plans for the future when you are unsure if you're even going to have a future. Flash forward to 2020 & I have so many things planned for the future, I can't stop thinking about them. The thought of them is what keeps me going.
So much has happened in the past four months since I updated last. First things first: I turned 26 in October! I may or may not have had a mini cry session realizing I am closer to 30 than I am to 20. When I was decluttering my room a couple of weeks ago, I found my 4th grade yearbook where I said I would be a teacher, married & have three kids by the age of 23. We can all take a moment & laugh at little Saddie.
At the end of September I got a new tattoo! When I tell you I have been thinking of this tattoo since March & I finally got it, I was so happy. One of the reasons it took me so long to get it was because I was so afraid of what my family was going to say & then I woke up one day like "I don't care" & got it. Hey Arnold was the show I used to watch on repeat when I was little & Helga's love for Arnold was something I always loved. I decided to get her famous locket (a twist on "heart on my sleeve") on my arm & made it my own with my favorite picture of Arnold. In the show, the locket is engraved with "Arnold, my soul. You are always in my heart. Love, Helga G. Pataki," so I had "Always in my heart. Love, S" to make it mine - a dedication to all the poems I've written this past year. My tattoo artist killed it & I love it so, so much.
Anyone who's ever gotten tattoos will tell you they're addicting. Your first tattoo is very thought out, down to the placement. After your fourth tattoo, you get a tattoo just because you like it, without it having some significant meaning. I can say tattoo #6 was a little bit of both. It was 3 days after my 26th birthday & I was sad. I had plans to go to the Bad Bunny concert & those plans fell through & I was feeling just awful. I had gone to get my Arnold tattoo touched up when I had asked my artist how much a little gingerbread man would cost. Now, before I had asked her, I told myself it was meant to be if 1: I had enough money in my bank account to do it & 2: if she had time to do it that night - considering it was already 10 PM. Not only did she have time to do it but she also wasn't going to charge me that much because she was already set-up from the touch up. Even as I was sitting there waiting for the gingerbread outline to dry, Liz & I kept looking at each other like "you're really doing this!" This was the first time I got a tattoo without caring or even thinking about anyone. That's the story of how Gingy came to be. If you know me, you know I love Christmas, baking & hot chocolate. He was meant for me. Again, Heather killed it!
Because I know people will ask: my love life is still non-existent. I am so new at this & sometimes I feel like I misread signs until I say them out loud (or tweet them) & then I realize that I'm not crazy about this. I'm also too afraid to actually shoot my shot so here we are, just playing checkers or whatever people do. I want to be honest & say that for the latter half of the year, I wanted, more than anything, for this thing to become something because I needed an escape from my life. As if he were my knight in shining armor. I know it sounds really stupid because I should be saving myself! I should want to be a better person for myself, not for him. There was one point where I was like "he doesn't like me because I don't look like or have x, y or z" & was thinking of ways to achieve those things. I had to take a step back & be like "REALLY? We are not losing who we are over a man (no matter how amazing he is) when we just found her!" Clearly I had myself fucked up. Now, this doesn't mean I have given up, but it's not a priority. Honestly, this whole thing would be a lot easier if he was an awful person. Why did I have to be blessed with great taste?
Here's a the typical end-of-blog-post selfies: