No Better Time Than Now

“There's no better time than now” they always say. As if that's going to magically undo all the worry lines from my forehead & bags under my eyes from sleepless nights. Aside from all the horrible things happening in the world that I can't control, I find my own little world tilted off its axis. It's crazy how in a blink of an eye, everything can change. How the support system you once had can crack, revealing the rot. It's almost comical how trivial some of my worries were in the beginning of May to what worries me now, at the end of June. Sometimes I wish I could go back, but I know this chapter in my life is needed so that I can continue in my pursuit of being the best version of Saddie I can possibly be in this lifetime. 

As much of an open book as I am, there are some things I never speak about. I can write about all the times I've gotten dubbed, all the embarrassing things that have kept me awake at night & everything in between. I can write about all the awful dates I've been on & how much weight I've lost until my fingers cramp up, but there's something I've not really talked about because then it makes it real. As long as I don't talk about it, it's not happening right? I won't have to confront my feelings about it. Unfortunately, you cannot run from your feelings. I know this, I'm big on feeling my feelings! I can feel my feelings when it comes to my issues with men & dating because it's like buses: one leaves & another one comes in 15 minutes. It's not the end of the world when things end with a guy (even though, in the moment, it does feel like it). What I do have trouble with is all the feelings that come with my dad being sick. I only have 1 dad, there's not another one of him coming. I struggle with the many emotions that come with having a sick parent: worrying about them all the time, anger because you wish they would've taken better care of themselves, grateful because whatever time you get to spend with them means the world & then fear. The aching fear you feel at the bottom of your belly when you get a phone call in the middle of the day that your dad has been rushed to the hospital because he had a stroke at work.

Ever since I was a little girl, the death of my parents was always at the core of my fears. It didn't help that my mother always put herself & my dad in harm's way. I feel like I don't remember a life when I didn't worry about something happening to my parents. Before it used to be at the hands of others, the thought of it being caused by sickness didn't really cross my mind. Somehow I don't fear death for myself as much as I fear the death of my family. I think it comes from a selfish point in me because I don't want to imagine a world without them. I know it's part of life, but I just can't. 

That fear has paralyzed me from even visiting my dad in the hospital. I couldn't face him because I knew I would break down seeing him like that. To me, my dad has always been this strong, hardworking man. I've learned my strong work ethic from him & how if you're on time, you're actually late. I got my sense of humor from him & his empathetic nature. Seeing him hurting is something I couldn't face. I remember when I woke up from my coma, my brother told me that while everyone else was crying & in shambles, my dad kept a brave face & would remind everyone that I am strong & would get through it & here I am, 4 years later, alive & well. Breaking down would feel like I was letting him down so I kept my distance. I spoke with his doctors every morning & spoke to him everyday. I took care of all the things I could control on the outside & kept it together. I threw myself into work to the point of exhaustion. Then night time would come & he'd call me to ask if I was coming tomorrow to see him & I would say “yes, I'll be there” & we would say good night & I would cry myself to sleep because I knew that was a 

lie. I felt so guilty lying to him & I felt like such a terrible daughter. I just couldn't do it. Again, out of selfishness. 

I recently got really into Star Wars (shoutout to my favorite comedian at this time, Troy Bond) & in The Phantom Menace, Yoda says “fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” All this guilt, all this anger, all this sadness caused me to isolate myself from the world. Since his stroke, my life has been work & home, home to work. My dreams are of running to do lists & dosages of medications. I find myself getting angry at my dad because I get flashbacks at when I was little & I'd beg him to stop drinking. I would bargain with God like “if you make my dad stop drinking, I promise I'll lose weight.” Other kids would wish for toys & a puppy when they blew out their birthday candles, while I wished for my dad to stop drinking & my mom to stop hearing voices. Now that I'm older & understand the human psyche, I know it's not that simple, but the little girl in me brings out those feelings of frustrations I felt many moons ago. I try to let those feelings pass through me because they are still valid. Two things can be true: I can love my dad with my entire heart & be mad at him at the same time. I'm trying to release the anger I feel towards both my parents because it has never gotten me anywhere. It serves no purpose in my life except to make my Lupus flare up.

I said earlier this month that it feels like between work & my home life, it feels like I have 2 kids fighting over who gets my attention. The last time I really had a night out was when I saw Rauw Alejandro in Boston back in May, before my dad's stroke. I feel like that was the last time in my life as I knew it. Life happens right? During this difficult time, so many people reached out to me to check on me, to ask me if I needed anything, to send me something simply to just make me laugh except for some of the most important people in my life. One of the saddest feelings in the world, honest to God. Following the sadness I felt, I just further pushed myself into isolation. I just couldn't bring myself to respond to anyone. I felt like I didn't deserve it. I already was feeling like a shit daughter, let's add a terrible friend to that list. I had a friend constantly reaching out to me from across the fucking country & internally I was like “why would you want to be my friend? I'm such a terrible person!”

I felt like I was so focused on who wasn't there for me, I didn't realize how many people were there for me, who loved me for me, shortcomings & all. As I'm writing this, I have tears in my eye thinking of all the kind souls God has brought into my life, who respond to my silence with their love. I strive to continue being a person worthy of that love & to give that love as it has been given to me. My life has changed drastically, my worries are different now. I don't have time for ANYBODY who makes me question my place in their life. This goes for family, friends & romantic partners. I only have energy for the people who make space for me in their lives as I do them. I no longer feel the need to perform to be seen. I no longer wish to perform to be loved. If you love me, love me for who I am, not what I can do for you. 

Bringing it back to “there's no better time than now” because my coworker said this to me last week when I told her about this guy from Hinge I started talking to (we'll call him Cerave). I told her how I really shouldn't be thinking about dating right now because I have a lot going on & she said “if not now then when?” I was like, you know what? So true, but I fucked that up because I told him that I was in my busiest time at work (100% true by the way!) & that I had a lot going on & couldn't meet him immediately. Although he seemed understanding, that was the last I heard of him, which it is what it is. Like hold on, I would've made time for you Cerave! Give me a minute, damn. 

Ghosting still feels awful, but in my year of dating, I've learned that God has bigger plans. Someone who is meant for me will not pass me. We all have options, I never want someone to feel like they're settling with me just as I don't want to settle with just anyone! Every time I thought I wanted things to work with someone, God showed me why it wouldn't have. Take Pearl Harbor as an example. There was a time when I thought we were perfect together (before he violated me) & the other day I stumbled across his Tiktok (okay, okay. I went snooping on my spam, SUE ME). Anyways, I was looking at the things he was posting & was just so turned off & gave myself the ick because why did I ever think we were a good idea??? I mean men really are garbage because they will pretend to be your perfect person (doesn't help he read my blog beforehand) & then the mask falls off. He had reposted this one video where it was like “when being nice gets you used & not loved” & another one that said “when you finally get the girl you want but realize you love the chase more than her”. I remember seeing that & feeling angry, then just sad for him because I know those feelings come from hid abandonment issues. He could've had someone who loved him for who he was, but I feel like God took me out of that equation real quick because he knew that would not have been a healthy relationship. I would've spent my entire being taking care of him & his emotions while abandoning my own self. I see that now & I am grateful to my creator for not putting me through that. 

Every person that comes along my way shows me what I don't want in my future partner. I don't want someone who would rather blame the world for being fucked up then doing something about it. I don't want someone who can't control their drinking. I don't want someone who doesn't know what the fuck they want. As a man, specifically MY man, you need to be able to be strong minded & patient, kind & sweet. I know, I know, SHOCKING to hear those words coming out of my mouth because I don't like men like that, which is even more frustrating when I give a guy a chance & they let me down like YOU ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT & THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?? Disrespectful as fuck. Don't get it twisted, I don't like men but I will like MY man. The person I choose to be the father of my children is something I don't take lightly. I used to be like “IF I get married, IF I have kids” & I stopped talking like that. WHEN I get married, WHEN I have kids they will know that I have prayed, I have longed & I have loved them before they were even in existence. I think after my pregnancy scare earlier this year, it further cemented my want for my children, but with the right person. There's this song by Halsey that pulls at my heart strings & I say a prayer every time it comes on. Some of the lyrics go “& when you decide it's your time to arrive, I've loved you for all of my life & nothing could stop me from giving a try, l've loved you for all of my life.” It keeps the hope alive inside me that I will have a happy ending.

You're probably wondering how we got from my dad's health to babies & I promise, it all makes sense. My dad's health has brought up the thoughts of life & death. How I pray every day he is able to see my children grow up. I know everything in God's timing & I'm not rushing because I don't want to pick the wrong person. Life must keep going. I can't let fear stop me from living my life. I can't let the fear of abandonment stop me from finding someone to share my life with or else I am no better than those who hurt me. 

If you're a person who lives with depression, you know the time after a depressive episode is like an apology tour & the time you start rebuilding your life after the tornado. So here I am with my Hey Arnold backpack filled with apology letters, a hand truck full of bricks & zip ties, eager to see what the future has in store for me. All I know is that I plan on making this summer as sweet & soft as possible ✨️

Wishing everyone a sweet & soft summer ☀️✨️🌻💖

Love always, all ways,

Saddie 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷