The Moon Guided Me Here
- Saddie
- Apr 6
- 34 min read
*This blog post was written over a span of 3 months. I went back & forth on if I should post it or not because it was hard to talk about & I didn't want to look stupid, but literally WHO CARES! I made a video explaining it further ...
Friday, January 3rd, 2025
Every year I pick a word of the year, almost like the theme Of the year. 2025 is “intentionality”.
Two weeks ago I sat at my kitchen table with my cousin, trying to wrap my head around being ghosted again. I spent the week prior going through every single possible reason as to why & I had finally gotten an answer as to why, & now I was sitting there telling her what a relief to know it had nothing to really do with me, people are just fucking weird. Nonetheless, I still couldn't believe this happened again & my cousin had one of the most important conversations we've ever had. It's changed how I move forward, not just with dating, but with everything in my life.
Let's start with the week leading to this conversation. Ace Ventura ended up being such a BUST. My friends have renamed him 3 & ½ (more on that later.) After we said our goodbyes the next morning, I didn't think it was going to be the last time I talked to him, in that way, at least. Aside from him messaging me to tell me he fucked up his car going home, I didn't hear from him. Me trying not to think the worst, I was like “he was going straight to work, he'll hit you up after.” I didn't feel like waiting for that so I messaged him the next morning & he just liked it. Again, I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt so I just let it go. This is all new to me & I don't know what the proper protocol is so I just hit him up again (I know, I know). I was pretty much like “hey, I had a really good time with you. Thank you so much for making it a great experience. I was just touching base to see how you felt about it. Do you see us seeing each other again, because I would like to see you again. Also, the lack of communication feels kind of like a soft ghosting.” That was Saturday night that I had sent that message. He didn't even fucking open it. He wasn't watching any of my stories or responding so I took it for what it was, but also what the fuck???
Of course when something like this happens, the first person you blame is yourself. Like I felt so hurt & used. I couldn't imagine ever making someone feel like this. I went into a spiral, blaming myself, wondering what was wrong with me & then angry at him because what a fucking pussy. I went through all the reasons as to why he could've ghosted, like maybe he didn't like what he saw, maybe I said something wrong? Maybe it was because I gave him pepperoni pizza when he doesn't eat pepperoni, or I got up too many times at night when he was lying on me, like literally EVERYTHING. Every scenario came to mind except for what actually ended up being the reason. I just couldn't imagine him being like that because he just presented himself so differently, I just couldn't think he was truly like that. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had looked up his Twitter, trying to see if maybe I could find an answer for his silence & it just made me feel worse because this guy didn't have the time to answer my message but he had all the time in the world to go back & forth with someone about a stupid video game! My heart feels like it's going to rip out of my chest & you're over here arguing about a mother fucking video Game??? The even worst part is that looking at his Twitter showed how kind he was. His Instagram painted the same picture, that's why I felt so blind sighted with his treatment towards me. I was just so hurt because I feel like that happens to me, I fall for really sweet & kind guys, but they're never like that with me. What a mind fuck.
The following Saturday, a whole week after, I had posted this video of a girl saying how she feels stupid because she uses all the proper tool to make sure she doesn't pick the wrong person & yet, she does & that she doesn't have any place to put that feeling because people say it's just a part of dating. I felt that in the deepest part of my soul because I remember talking to friends about it & they're like “it's just a part of the game” like what??? My feelings aren't a game! Why do we have to put up with this to find someone? Why can't we be honest with each other? It's so frustrating because before he came out to see me, I let him know like “hey, if this is a one time thing, that's totally fine. All I ask is that you treat me with kindness & let me know. Don't make me wonder.” I thought that was a very simple thing to ask for! Apparently my instructions were unclear. Anyway, I posted that post on my stories to vent, fully expecting him not to see it &, out of nowhere, I get a message from him saying “Sorry I took my time with replying. I took a chance & a long trip to meet you & while you're super kind & sweet, I didn't see myself coming back for another meeting after getting back. Sorry to be so cold & ghost you like that & for wasting your time.” My response was “did you decide this before or after we spent the night together?” & he was like “I decided before because I told you I had doubts but after I was sure. I put off saying anything.” He really had the nerve to try & be like “well, I told you I was unsure” like yeah, about DATING again after leaving a long term relationship, not doubts that you fucking liked me! That would've been a completely different conversation & I would've never made fucking plans to meet up with you! Despite his sorry ass responses, I was actually very calm. I think the time passing helped because I, for sure, would’ve dragged him, but I didn’t. I’m so proud of myself & it shows how much all those years of therapy have helped me become a better person.
Since I already had his attention, I was asking ALL the questions because why the fuck not. At this point I was just trying to understand men a little more because clearly I don’t know a damn thing. To me, it doesn’t make sense for someone to drive THREE & A HALF HOURS to see someone they aren’t interested in. Like I’m not sure what it is about men & wasting everyone’s time, including their own. As we delved more into the conversation, it all came down to ego. We physically couldn’t work & it wasn’t anything other than for lack of communication. Obviously that would hurt any man’s ego, but, this might sound crazy, I just didn’t think 3 & ½ was like that! He just seemed like he was more emotionally intelligent than that, but at the end of the day, a man will be a man. I blocked him & just moved on. Thanks for a great night & learn how to fucking communicate.
A couple of days later, I found myself at my kitchen table with my cousin as she gave me tough love. She was tired of me getting hurt by men. She said, “Saddie, at the end of the day, you know exactly what you want. You’re not confused about what you want, you’re just scared. You want a husband & a family, why are you wasting your time with guys who don’t know what the fuck they want? You’re putting yourself in dangerous situations. 3 & ½ seemed like a great guy, but you didn’t learn that through him. You learned that through his Instagram & were piecing together this vision of him who wasn’t reality. You need to be more intentional when it comes to dating or the same thing is going to keep on happening.” She was completely right! I couldn’t keep entertaining the same type of man, expecting different results. I’m afraid of dating as much as the next person, but I know what my end goal is. I want to get married & have children. That’s always been my end goal, yet here I was dealing with guys who “just got out of a relationship & were scared” or wanting to “go with the flow” or the dreadful poly guys. Truthfully, I had to take accountability that I was going for these types of men because I was scared. I’m scared of investing my time into someone & it does not work out. I’m afraid to have children with the wrong person. I’m afraid of a lot of things, but you have to do things scared sometimes or you won’t do them at all.
After taking time to reflect on all of that, I decided to revamp my dating apps. That Saturday night I went through all my profiles & made them as me as possible & detailing EXACTLY what I was looking for & EXACTLY who I was not interested in. The thing with dating apps is that they’re AWFUL. Like yeah, maybe you may find a good guy in there every once in a while, but you end up so overwhelmed by all the weirdos on that app that you kind of give up. For some reason, I seem to be a magnet for conservative men & if you know me, you know I would rather die alone than ever be with a man like that. My messages are usually men saying “can I lay on you” or “you’re not fat, you’re thick”. I don’t have a problem calling myself fat because it is an adjective. I released the negative connotation the word has, but everyone else is still stuck on that. It’s the same as calling someone tall, like it’s just an adjective people!
Within the first 10 minutes of reactivating my Plenty Of Fish account, I get a message from this guy that says: “fat isn’t a problem. You’re perfect.” I went to his profile & I wasn’t impressed, honestly. It’s not that he wasn’t cute, it’s just that he didn’t have much on his profile & to me, that’s an indication that you’re not taking dating seriously so I didn’t even bother responding. POF tricks you when you sign up by telling you to come up with a username, but it doesn’t tell you that you can’t change it & that that’s the first thing people can see when they go on your page. I stupidly put my Instagram name so every now & then I will get a follow request from someone on POF. Sure enough, I get a follow request from that same guy & he messaged me on IG with “the moon guided me here”, a play on my bio that reads “somewhere talking to the moon.” Again, I looked at his profile & he hadn’t updated his page in a year & I wasn’t really too impressed. Although I thought the message was kind of cute, I didn’t accept the request or respond to the message.
Hours later I found myself reading over 50 messages on OkCupid when I get a message from this guy saying “I hit you up everywhere. Also, I know you like big noses so here I am Saddie Saddie.” I was so creeped out, but intrigued at the same time. I responded with “that’s not creepy at all. I don’t remember seeing you on my Hinge” because that was the only place I had put that I liked big nosed, goofy men. He was like “nah, I read your story” meaning my blog. It was the guy from POF who had found me on IG! He talked about how destiny led him to finding me on both sites & I figured since he went out of his way to look for me & message me, I could give it a try.
We switched from talking on OkCupid to Instagram & I made sure I started heavy. I was like “I want this, this & this. Since you’ve already read my blog, do you think you can provide me with what I’m looking for?” His response: “yes, I believe so.” I was very hesitant with him because he had read my previous blog. He had some insight into my brain & my feelings, he had the upper hand. Essentially, he had the perfect blueprint to lovebomb the fuck out of me. I told him I was skeptical with his answers because he knew so much about me & I didn’t know a damn thing about him. He assured me he wasn’t here to waste my time or hurt me. He said “believe me & trust the process. The stars are aligned for us.” I chose to believe him. I didn't want to become jaded after things with 3 & 1/2 hadn't worked out. From that moment on, we became almost obsessed with each other. He definitely came in very hard, saying “My Saddie” & how he was already in love with me. He said all the right things, yet I was still hesitant to engage with him. He didn’t even know me! This was all within the first 2 hours of us talking too. My friend quickly nicknamed him “Pearl Harbor” because of all the love bombing he was doing.
The love bombing should have been my sign to stop talking, but then I kind of got to know him more & I just fell into the trap. He was so funny, genuinely funny. We went from texting to communicating through voice notes. It’s one thing texting, but hearing someone’s voice & how they say things, hearing their laugh - it just did something to me. Our conversations were everything, everywhere, all at once. We would be texting, then sending each other tiktoks & reels. I would mention something to him & he always had an interesting fact to share. There was never a dull conversation with him. It was different than it was with 3 ½ because I was getting to know Pearl Harbor through him directly & he was asking me questions about me with genuine interest. He would remember the smallest details about me. We were talking throughout the whole day & night. The only time we didn’t talk was when we were both asleep. I can see now how texting provided a false sense of intimacy.
I quickly became enamored by him. I mean, this man was already planning our second date before we had even gone on our first date! Something about him & this connection just FELT so different, so right even. So different that I had told my little brother about him & that I had a date. Although I am pretty open online, I’m actually very private with my dating life when it comes to my family. I’m not sure why, I guess they’re just so used to seeing me one way. So for me to have told my little brother about him, I had a good feeling that I wouldn’t be disappointed. I was hopeful.
We planned to meet on the second Wednesday of January in the city. I was going out there with my best friend & he was from Queens so it just made sense. The day before I told him how nervous I was because everything was going so well, so far, & for me, usually after the first date it goes bad. He was like “why? Are you crazy?” I was like NO! People just suck. He laughed & assured me we would be good. He constantly resssured me without making me feel like I was too much. That entire day & night we talked. We stayed up until 4 AM, sending each other our favorite videos & screenshotting our favorite comments. It was so much that my best friend was like “DAMN! Does this man ever let you sleep?!” I have never laughed with a man so much as I did with Pearl Harbor. Even as I write this, I can’t help but tear up because I really enjoyed my time with him so much & it sucks wondering how much of it was real & how much of it was just to fuck with me.
On the day of our date we were still in heavy communication. I switched the location of our date to down the block from the hotel I was staying at & he was so chill about it. Although I was nervous, I was so fucking excited. I was in a hotel room with my best friend, listening to the new Bad Bunny album while getting ready for a date with this really amazing man. My heart felt like it was going to burst with joy! I felt like I was glowing! As time hit 7 pm, I did start to get nervous & of course, I had to let my Close Friends know.
I took one last look in the mirror, put on my jacket & mustered up the courage to go.
At the very least, I looked cute 😌
As we’re walking the 200 feet to the bar, I start having an anxiety attack. “What am I doing? I can’t fucking do this” I’m telling Liz. She’s like “Saddie, you got this. You can do it & you will! You made it this far. Everything will be okay.” I’m freaking the fuck out the entire way, even more panicked when we get into the bar because it’s packed as fuck for a Wednesday.
Shout out to my wonderful best friend for doing life with me 💖🚀🌙
While seated, she orders her food to go & I order us both Casa Migos shots because I needed something to take the anxiety off. We both also order a drink each. I ordered a Tito’s with blueberry lemonade in a small Mason jar, totally not expecting their drinks to be as strong as they were. I text him around 7:20 PM to let him know I was there already. He texts me in shock that I’m there already because he hadn’t even started getting ready, as if our plans weren’t to meet at 7 PM. He had said he was running late, but what the fuck you mean it’s almost 7:30 & you’re not even dressed? I was already starting to get annoyed because I HATE lateness, more than anything, but I was like you know what, things happen. He was originally going to take the subway but ordered an Uber since I was already there & he said his estimated time of arrival was 7:55. Great, I had 25 minutes to continue freaking the fuck out.
My best friend watched as I rolled my straw wrapper in my hand, watching the basketball game going on behind her. As the time approached, she got up to leave & I paid our bill. I explained to the waitress I was going on a first date & she topped off my half finished drink to make it look like I had just gotten there. She was super sweet. He texted me to order him a Jack & Coke as he got there & at this point my best friend made her way to the front. She was only going to leave once she saw him enter the bar. At this point, I’m on the verge of throwing up & I’m shaking. I’m sitting there at the end of the bar, super into this basketball game as I continue rolling my straw wrapper between my fingers when suddenly a deep, sweet voice that I've only heard through voice notes says “hey you” as a hand softly touches my bare shoulder. This moment felt like one of those romcom movies as I looked into his eyes for the very first time. He pulls me up & hugs me & the first words out of my mouth are “oh my God you ARE tall & you smell good, thank God” & he laughs & goes “I told you & you smell good too, thank God.” Here is this 6’5, jacked & tatted man standing in front of me, looking like Andrew Keegan (aka my celebrity crush for my entire life) & I managed to say the dumbest thing! It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t make it a little bit awkward.
He slid into the booth across from me & we just sat there smiling at each other for a bit without saying anything. I had warned him I would be awkward for like the first 15 minutes, but there was no awkwardness in sight. It felt like we had been friends all our lives the way the conversation flowed. He was so sweet & funny. I hadn’t laughed like that in so long, like full teeth, cheeks hurting, laughing. We talked about everything & anything, much like our conversations over the phone. We took a shot of Jack together to toast the night ahead & got another drink together. If you’re counting, I was 1.5 drinks in with my lemonade & 2 shots in, which is NOTHING to me. I used to throw back 4 Irish Trashcans & chase it down with a Liquid Marijuana & still make it out the bar dancing as they played my favorite song. At my company Christmas party, a couple of weeks before, I had taken 5 shots & drank 3 margaritas & had NO PROBLEM. Now I found myself feeling the drinks going straight to my head & other fun places.
At this point of the night, the intensity between us just kept going up. I felt myself get to that point of overly flirtatious & we both were ready to head out. We got the check & I did a silent prayer as he paid the check without hesitation. It’s such a small thing, but I was so thankful he wasn’t one of those guys. I can say a lot about all the men in my past, but them being broke bums is not on that list - THANK GOD! One of the misconceptions/jokes about dating plus sized women is that they’ll give you their whole paycheck, like good luck doing that shit with me baby. Of course I spoil the fuck out of my partner, but my whole paycheck? Crazy work.
Anyways, he pays the bill & we start making our way downtown, walking fast, faces pass & we’re hotelbound. This is how I know I was drunk because anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to walking in the city, my anxiety is on 1000 & I don’t want to talk AT ALL because I’m too busy focusing on 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, ect … Yet, here I was chatting it up with this fine ass man about 50 Cent on my way back to the hotel. I even did the whole singing in the rain scene, swinging around the pole around the corner.
I was even more smiley when I noticed I had started walking on the side of the street & he pushed me in so he was walking on the side closest to the street. I know, bare minimum, but I was like oh my God, A MAN. There’s no better feeling, as woman, than feeling safe & protected & here I had a man who was big & strong & made me feel safe. (She don't want a puppy, she want a BIG DOG). I don’t feel safe around men EVER, yet Pearl Harbor made me feel as safe as I used to feel with Baby Duck. I try my hardest not to compare my future partners to Baby Duck, but there were a lot of qualities I liked about him & I saw them in Pearl Harbor. Aside from feeling safe physically with Pearl Harbor, I felt safe to open up to him, based on our conversations. When I tell you I thought he was different, I truly, truly did.
We make it to my hotel & listen, we’re all grown here. I invited him up because the vibes just felt right. Or it could’ve been the drinks, I don’t know. We’re in the elevator & we’re just staring at each other, all giggly & I notice he has glasses, which he didn’t have on at the bar. I was like “Oh, where’d the glasses come from?” & he laughed & was like “I put them on when I need to see” & I just didn’t even question it. I was only thinking about 1 thing. I’m no better than a man, honestly. Our room was next to the room my best friend & I were staying in so I stash him in one room & I go to my room to freshen up. When I tell you I have never had that much confidence in my entire life, I have NEVER had that much confidence in my life. I walked in the room, stripping off my jacket & top so I could shower. The next morning my best friend was like “bitch you walked in here on a MISSION” & that was a fact. Again, tunnel vision. I had a fine man in the other room & there’s drinks in my system, only one thing on my mind. I switched into more comfortable clothes, grabbed my backpack & made my way back to the room.
When I walked into the room, he was nice & comfortable watching Family Guy & suddenly, I’m like oh shit, this is actually happening. All of a sudden, there was no more liquid courage. I just stood with my back against the door until he was like “are you going to come on the bed?” & I was like “oh yeah, I guess that’s the next step huh.” Any hesitation I had felt 5 minutes earlier was gone as soon as he grabbed me onto him & kissed me. Kissing him felt like the rightest thing I had ever done in my entire life. Like every bad date, every horrible man led me to this moment. I felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world. As things progressed, I still felt great! Like so comfortable in my body. There’s something about a man who knows how to handle a woman like me that I’m like oh my God, yessssss. This man was all of that & more.
At this point I started realizing just how much the drinks had hit me, especially when I slid off the bed & couldn’t get up. As he’s helping me up, I’m apologizing because I’m so embarrassed & he’s being so sweet. I look up at him & notice that his glasses are blinking. In that exact moment, the feeling of safety, the feeling of being the luckiest woman on the planet, left my body. I remember saying “oh my God, you’ve been recording this whole time?” He's like “yeah, but it’s only for me” like it was no big deal. At that moment it dawned on me that I was in a hotel room with a STRANGER who could definitely overpower me if he wanted to. I’ve watched enough SVU to know all the different outcomes this could have. In my next breath I said “okay, just please don’t upload it anywhere. If this ends up on the dark web, I’m going to kill you.” He laughed & said “You need a VPN for the dark web, I don’t have that.”
Now, any person in their right mind would’ve cut the night short right? Clearly I was not in my right mind because I just shrugged off what happened & we continued at it. When we were finished, I was fully expecting him to leave, but NO. He laid his head over my lap & as I rubbed his back, I would shout out accents & he would do them so perfectly. He would’ve laughed me out of my pants again if they weren’t already off. We stayed together the entire night & it was actually so nice? I know that sounds so weird & I can’t explain it. He had wrapped us both under the blanket & when I tell you this man did not let go of me the entire night, THIS MAN DID NOT LET GO OF ME THE ENTIRE NIGHT!!! Like, DAMN, I’m not going to rob you baby. We held hands the ENTIRE night with our hands linked between us as he had his other hand across my stomach, interlocking our other hands together. He slept peacefully next to me in this intense embrace, however, I could not. It’s so hard for me to fall asleep anywhere. I was hot because I was wrapped under the blankets & he was hot & all over me, the lights were still kind of on, & I HAD A STRANGER IN MY BED! I was so over stimulated. Not the most ideal sleeping situation.
I laid awake watching tv while he snored so softly in my ear. If I moved, he would ask if I was okay. If I tried to move my other hand, he would tug it back & we would thumb wrestle. After a bit, I broke free from his embrace to remove my makeup, as he strongly protested. I come back to the bed after scrubbing my face raw with a towel & hot water since, of course, I forgot my makeup remover wipes in the other room like a genius. I come back & sit on the edge of the bed to text my friends that I was still alive. He comes closer to me & pulls me back into him & we’re back in the same position we were before. It was all actually really cute. My heart felt like it was going to fly out of my chest. We did the same thumb wrestle the rest of the night as he slept & I laid wide awake.
It must’ve been around 5 AM when he fully woke up & asked if I had slept at all. I was like “I can’t for some reason” & we stayed up talking a bit. As he fell back asleep, I turned my head to get my phone & I swear I closed my eyes for 2 seconds & the next thing I know, I woke up suffocating in the blankets with the bed empty next to me. I look around the empty room & immediately I grab my phone to text him because what the actual fuck? I looked at my phone & the time read 7:39 AM so I had been asleep for 2 hours. I text him like “you left?” & he said he had left like 30 minutes ago & didn’t want to wake me up. That annoyed me so much, honestly. Like bro, we just had a really nice night together & you’re not even going to wake me up to say goodbye??? I grab my shit & make my way back to my room. I walked in to my best friend still sleeping so I went & took a shower & packed my bags since we needed to checkout in 3 hours. I go & send my little debrief podcast to Debbie & I start giving Liz a rundown of my night, not mentioning the recording because I honestly had compartmentalized it. Everything else about the night was so perfect, I didn’t want to taint it with that. I know, it sounds crazy.
We check out of the hotel & make our way back to Long Island. I had a therapy session while we were in the car. It was my first session since September so needless to say, I had A LOT to fill my therapist on. I knew she would be so proud because I’ve gone through a lot these past months, but I held my own! I gave her a rundown of my night, again, not mentioning the recording. She was so happy I was finally putting myself out there. She was happy that I hadn’t let 3 ½ get me down & immediately dusted myself off & tried again. All good things! I get home & am still feeling on cloud 9 because Pearl Harbor & I are still talking, even talking about the next time we would see each other. I took a nap feeling like all was good.
When I woke up later that night, I woke up from a text from him saying he had been asleep on & off all day. I filled him in on my day & had followed up with asking his thoughts on the night. I didn’t hear back from him, which was odd considering we were constantly in communication. I’d see he was posting on his story, which actually didn’t bother me because I was working on not letting that affect me. People don’t owe us every second they’re on the phone. The following day, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being ghosted. I just thought “not again, please.” Throughout the day I started to feel weird. The memory of being recorded started to escape the drawer I had shoved it into. I went out to dinner with my cousin that day & I had told her everything. She tried to keep calm, but I felt the anger radiate through her body. She said “text him again, you’ve got nothing to lose” so I texted him again just saying “hey, I can’t help but feel like the communication between us has really changed, which is weird considering that’s not how we were before.” An hour passed, no response, but he had posted on his story again. I’m not sure why, but I just kind of went crazy in the next text I sent him. I sent him the screenshots of our very first conversation where I said I’m taking my time with him because I don’t want to end up hurt & his response was “I’m not here to hurt you mami” & a bunch of other things he had assured me of. Do you remember Hilary Duff’s speech to Chad Michael Murray in A Cinderella Story? “ I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere down inside of you, but I can’t wait for him because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless & disappointing.” I should’ve sent a gif of her walking away with her thumb in her pocket for the added effect. It wasn’t exactly that, but it was close to what I had sent him.
He didn’t even open my message until the following day at 6:04 pm & by 6:14 I was blocked on everything, even Tiktok! I was so shocked because what the fuck? One of the things I had said to him before our date was that if at any point he felt like this wasn’t what he was looking for, to just let me know. I’d rather we be upfront with each other. He was just like “of course. I’m not on that weird type of timing.” You could've fooled me buddy!!! I had never felt so used than in that second that I saw I was blocked. I was beating myself up & blaming myself for sleeping with him on the first date, that I fell for his words. There were so many emotions running through me. I would stay up all night, losing sleep, talking to him & here I was losing more sleep, except it was because I had stayed up crying the entire time.
The next day I went to work & just sat at my desk crying. Thank God it was Sunday & I was working alone so I could cry in peace. I felt awful, not understanding what was wrong with me. Poliwag had ghosted me, 3 ½ had ghosted me, & now here I was with Pearl Harbor ghosting me. This one stung more than the other 2 combined because I didn’t see it coming. Everything had gone so well! At the very least, I thought he would’ve been man enough to have a conversation with me. Nothing, radio silence. All those feelings in me, feeling so unwanted & discarded, I just wanted to be with someone who wouldn’t hurt me. At that moment, I wanted to be with someone who, I felt, cared for me so I texted Baby Duck with a simple text: “I need you.” He responded immediately & he came to me within the hour. I just needed to distract myself from everything, but my heart wasn’t in it & he’s always been so in tune with my emotions, he knew something was wrong with me. I broke down & he just held me as I cried & tried to explain to him what had happened. This was the second time he held me as I cried over another man. He tried to make me laugh & was like “oh, so this is why you haven’t been hitting me up” like sir, this isn’t about you right now! Let’s stick to the subject at hand. Him being him, he had to give me his 2 cents about how disgusting men really are & how they’re predators & will tell you anything just to get what they want. He must’ve held me for like 20 minutes while I cried & said “it’s okay, Saddie. You made 1 mistake.” & I started crying even harder because it wasn’t just 1 mistake & he was like “okay, the only mistake you told me about.” He did everything he could that day to make me laugh & smile. It felt really nice to just be with someone who knew me & didn’t just want to use me. That day I came home feeling even worse because I felt like I was using him to get over someone else, which didn’t feel right.
I spent the following weeks being a complete mess. There wasn’t a day that passed where I wasn’t crying my eyes out. I would check my phone, hoping to see he had reached out. I felt so sad & pathetic. I actually don’t think I’ve ever been this down bad for someone. Not in this way, at least. It was just too much. Then I ended up missing my period & learned my IUD had shifted & I couldn’t remember when that could have possibly happened. I had already scheduled myself for STI testing 2 weeks after & now I had to schedule a pregnancy test too? It was all too much. Of course when you think there’s a possibility that you may be pregnant, that’s when you have ALL the symptoms. It was to the point where one day I had ordered chinese food & I couldn’t even stomach it. The smell alone had sent me running to throw up. That had never happened to me. I always said my first child would be named Sage & all of a sudden, that name was EVERYWHERE. It was so insane. My dreams were all over the place as well. One night I had a dream that I had twins & was EXHAUSTED & saying to myself “I wish I would’ve waited” & the very next night I would have a dream that I was envious of someone else having twins & wondering when my time would come. I was also facing the decision of “what if I was pregnant?” I am 100% pro-choice, but what would happen when the time came for me to choose? I’ve always wanted to be a mother, it’s one of my dreams. Would I be able to mentally go through an abortion? But how could I bring a child into this world in this way? There’s no way I would ever allow a man who had treated me in this way anywhere near my child, regardless if he was the father. Needless to say, I was a complete wreck the following weeks.
The Friday morning of my testing, I was so anxious, I couldn’t even sit in the room. I was shaking all the way back from the bathroom, with the cup of pee in my hand. As I sat in the room, waiting for the doctor, I just started bawling my eyes out. I had never felt to fucking sad & lost in my entire life. I always thought that the first time I would ever take a pregnancy test, it would be with someone who loved me or, at the very least, cared about me. Not with someone who had discarded me like a napkin he blew his nose in. My doctor came in & told me the test was negative but because it was really early, she would send for it in a blood test just to make sure. I spent the entire weekend an emotional mess waiting for the results because the pregnancy test aside, I was also praying to God I didn’t have anything either. It’s such scary times out there & you can’t trust ANYONE, clearly. My test results came on Monday & everything was all good & I was able to breathe a big sigh of relief. If I would’ve gotten anything, I really would’ve hunted him down & made his life a living hell.
You know he had absolutely destroyed me when I told my little brother everything that had happened. I felt so ashamed as I told him, but he was so kind. He was just very upset because this guy had hurt someone he loved so much. He was ready for war, as was I. A part of me feels like I knew he would be. I wanted this man to hurt as much as I was hurting, by whatever means necessary. I wanted to take a baseball bat to his kneecaps. I knew all I had to do was say the word & all those things could happen. I just couldn’t do it. Those things seemed nice, in theory, but I couldn’t do that to him. My brother checked on me every day & reminded me every day. There’s an episode of The Sopranos where Dr. Melfi finds out information about the guy who raped her & she had an opportunity to tell Tony. She fought between what the right thing to do would be, but no matter how much she wanted revenge, she couldn’t have Tony kill him because that wasn’t the right thing to do. That’s how I felt.
Things got so bad for me that my boss noticed. He pulled me into his office to discuss new projects for the off season & was like “Saddie, you just seem like you don’t want to be here anymore & you’re very withdrawn.” I just broke down crying & he was like “what if you took time to recharge? Like all of February?” which is never something I thought I would hear my boss say. I declined the offer because I felt like I needed to work to get through it. I spent the next couple of days thinking about it & decided to take the offer. Time off to focus on myself completely sounded like the right thing to do.
Monday, February 4th, 2025
This week (the first week of February) I remembered something my therapist had said when I first spoke to her about my night with PH. She told me I should post him in the Are We Dating The Same Guy? facebook page to see if anyone else had had issues with him. I was so nervous about it, but I did it because I needed to know if he had done this to someone else. I posted anonymously & put a little blurb about what had happened, keeping it very brief. I wasn’t expecting anything, to be honest, & then 2 women came forward sharing their experiences with him. They all said he was mad aggressive when he drank & other concerning things. It’s crazy because my first instinct was to do was defend him because I had not seen that side of him. He was nothing but sweet to me, which left me even more confused. I honestly don’t know why I had posted him in the group. I, for sure, wasn’t thinking he was going to see it, which is kind of dumb because there are over 300k+ members in that group - someone was bound to know him.
Imagine my surprise when I got a message from him an hour later saying someone brought the post from the group to his attention. My initial reaction was to ignore it because FUCK YOU! I haven't heard from you for almost a month & NOW you want to hit me up? Obviously he was upset & embarrassed about the post, I get it, but at the same time, you didn’t give a fuck about hurting my feelings so why should I care about yours? But I did because I had started to like him (or the him he pretended to be, I’m still not sure). One thing about me, I’m going to seek some closure. Some people wouldn’t have responded, but I needed to know why he chose to be so horrible to me when I was nothing but kind to him. It wasn’t like with 3 & ½ where I could see how I was putting in more effort. There was reciprocity when it came to Pearl Harbor & I. We matched each other's energy so perfectly so him doing what he did really made me question every single thing I had ever done.
We ended up talking the rest of the night, trying to understand where the other was coming from. I guess I can respect the fact that, in this last conversation, he was still kind & respectful. Whether I got through to him or not is a different story & not really my problem anymore. I got everything off my chest & I felt so much lighter & able to move on, instead of questioning “what if?” I stopped questioning what was wrong with me & realized him ghosting me had nothing to do with me & all to do with him. That’s usually the lesson I learn after getting ghosted, yet I still take it so personally. The devil will not reach me next time, even if he is disguised as a 6’5, jacked & tatted beautiful Colombian man.
Saturday, March 29th, 2025
The rest of February was spent just resting. I did only the things I wanted to do & it was GREAT! Everyone should be able to take time off & I’m so lucky my boss gave me the chance. I journaled a lot & reflected on the past couple of months & realized where I need to work on myself more. I started seeing my weight loss doctor & began better taking care of myself. I already had started when I started my Semaglutide shots, but now I was on an actual plan.
I don’t like talking about weight loss because it opens the door for people & their unsolicited advice. As a person who has been on every single diet since she was 9 years old & started getting professional help, I can say that most people are misinformed. I’m sure they mean well, but I’m not listening to anyone except my doctors. I originally went to see my doctor for weight loss surgery & I was nervous & excited. After meeting with him he informed me I was not an ideal candidate as the risk factor is too high because of my weak lungs (thanks Covid). Most people would be discouraged, but I left that appointment feeling very encouraged & hopeful because my doctor was so kind & took the time to create a plan for me. More than anything, he believes in me. As much as I don’t want to disappoint myself, I don’t want to disappoint him either! For the first time in my life, I found something I can stick to & have been seeing results. I can’t wait to see how my journey continues. I have a goal in mind & it’s not to be thin. I know it bothers people when I say that, but I don’t aspire to be thin. My goal is to be strong. I want to have children & I have to be the best version of myself. That’s my ultimate goal, not thinness.
Saturday, April 5th, 2025
So here we are, Saturday, April 5th, 2025. I started writing this blog post on January 3rd. At that time, I was feeling all the amazing things that come when you’re speaking to someone new. PH came right after 3 & ½ that he became long forgotten. After everything that’s happened, I feel like I forgot he even existed, but I learned a lesson with him & it’s when someone says they’re not ready to be in a relationship, believe them - no matter how perfect of a match they may seem.
Pearl Harbor’s lesson for me was a very hard & painful lesson. Although we’d only been talking for a short time, it was quite heartbreaking, actually. I had made a promise to myself after 3 & ½ that I would only deal with guys who showed genuine interest & were intentional. He pursued me, I didn’t even have to do anything. There are many lessons I learned with PH, I guess the main lesson was to be more careful who I put my trust in. There were so many terrible ways my story with him could’ve ended. I’m lucky it ended the way it did.
I will admit, I do miss him from time to time. Well, the guy he pretended to be with me. I know, I know, it sounds so stupid. “How could you miss someone who did you so dirty?” I can’t explain it, other than he became part of daily life. I would see something I wanted to show him or something that we had talked about would come to mind. The moment together that replays over & over in my head, like a horror movie I can’t turn off is the one with his head in my lap. His face beaming with pride that he was making me laugh so much is something I can't get out of my head. I remember laughing so much & thinking to myself in, that moment, this felt great, as if we've been together forever & it was just another night together. In this case, I hate that when I remember the bad, I also remember the good. I wish I could just remember the bad so it would hurt less. I actually ended up taking a picture of that moment. It was my "proof of life" picture I had sent my friends.
Three months later, it does hurt less. All these lessons I learned since December have shaped the woman I am turning into. It's shown me what I'm made of. They've been hard, pretty lessons, but I guess, in the end, it's all worth it because it gets me closer to what IS meant for me. None of those guys were meant for me. Realistically, I couldn't see myself with any of them, long term. It's hard to admit that out loud, but now I'm super locked in & super strict on what I do want. I'm not wasting anymore time with anyone. I've actually been talking with different guys & I can now tell within the first couple of conversations if it's going to go anywhere. So far, none of them have, which is okay with me. Like my cousin said to me the other day, the trash will take itself out. At least it's before anything else happens. Being a late bloomer, I didn't really have any experience until I was 27, then I was attached to someone for 4 years. I didn't really start actually dating & experiencing other people until last year. I feel like I crammed a lifetime of experience into a year, so yeah, I did do a lot, but I gained a lot of knowledge & I know better. It'd be so embarrassing on my part if I went through all of this & kept doing the same thing. Now that I know better, I have to do better.
So where does this leave us today? I am focusing on Saddie. What is in Saddie's best interest? What does Saddie need? I cannot be anything for anyone if I am not anything to myself. The best thing I can do for myself, for anyone, is to be Saddie. I'm still learning who Saddie is & the more I learn, the more I love. When it comes to my future partner, he will have to add to my life, he will not complete it as I am whole as I am. For so long I thought my life wasn't complete because I didn't have that special someone, but what if they never come? I still have myself. I still have my family. I still have my friends. I will still have everything that comes with being Saddie. When I have kids, I want them to be proud that their mom never settled because I wouldn't want them to settle. I see so many people around me who have settled & are so unhappy. It makes me sad because the world is so awful, at the very least YOUR life should have joy. I wish to create joy in my life every single day, big or small.
Lastly, to all my wonderful friends who have reached out to me throughout this whole time, thank you. I feel like there aren't enough words to express my gratitude to our friendship. The kindness extended to me when I felt I didn't deserve it. The many times I fell short as a friend because I found myself paralyzed in depression to respond when you reached out. I am working on being a better friend & I have wonderful examples to follow. I know unconditional love is real because my family & friends choose to love me every single day, through all of my mistakes. They never make me feel hard to love. Thank you, from the deepest parts of my heart & soul.