Doing Shit I Really Shouldn't Do
My hands still have the burn marks when the bag got so heavy. It tugged on the skin until it ripped it open, losing all control as I let the rope slip through my fingers, forcing me to drop it. I held on until the very end, afraid letting go would expose everything in the bag I had fought so long to hide.
I have this bad habit of not letting go, even when it's in my own best interest. I question why I would ever want to be with someone who doesn't think twice about hurting me. Someone who doesn't think twice about using me. Then I'm left there, stunned, wondering what I could've done differently, what I could have said differently. Would this have played out differently if I looked differently? So many things run through my mind, until I reach the part where I question if I'm good enough. I reach the part where I wonder if I'm such an awful person for the men I pick to treat me like shit. What I did to deserve this treatment when all I've ever done is try to show them there are many different forms of admiration. I would go to the ends of the earth for a man who treats me so amazingly, yet I find myself stuck in a revolving door of men who don't know what they want, but at the very least they know they don't want me. At least not in any other way except as a science experiment, an ego boost, an ear to listen to them, or a supporter. You can ask a man for nothing except for time & he will still manage to give you nothing.
There's a Mary Lambert quote that's stuck with me since I read it a couple of years ago where she said “I only know how to exist when I am wanted.” For so long, I put my worth into what I could do, who I could be for other people. A better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better employee - but it wasn't until the past 4 years that I started to put my self worth into a lover. I didn't know who I was outside of being the person everyone needed. I began chasing the high I got from being desired. The feeling of someone looking at you like you're the most beautiful woman in the world. The feeling you get when all their attention is on you & no one else exists. You know, THAT feeling. Many men desire me (not on some cocky shit, it's just been my experience), but very few see me as anything other than a warm body. It took me a long time to realize desire does not mean respect or love.
My love is unconditional. I love people how I wish to be loved, but sometimes it can be too much (although, I'm learning my love will never be “too much” for the right people). When this happens, I wonder if I am too much to ever be loved. If I miss the signs of someone loving me because it's not the way I've envisioned it. Sometimes I wonder if the kind of love I seek truly exists or if I have to settle for someone who can only love me in their own love language. Will I ever find someone who will love ALL of me & all my thoughts. I feel like the officer in the Titanic movie when he's looking for survivors to put on his lifeboat, “is there anyone alive out there?”
You're probably wondering how I got to this point. In my last post in December 2020, I was just entering the world of dating & relationships. I look back on that post & want to hug that Saddie, for she had no idea what she was in for. It marked the beginning of a 4 year relationship that made me question my sanity, but, worst of all, my self worth. Looking back, I can say being with Baby Duck allowed me to grow into a better person. Because I loved him so much & wanted to make things work, I went the extra mile to get out of my comfort zone & unlearn everything I've ever known. So yes, I can say that I would not be the woman I am today without all the lessons I learned from the past couple of years. Sometimes though, I wish I would just fucking listen instead of wanting to learn from my mistakes on my own! Would've saved me countless therapy sessions trying to decipher everything.
December 2020 was the beginning of something beautiful. Something that bloomed organically from a friendship. Because I was SO new in the dating scene, I felt it was easy to allow him to take the lead. He was older than me & we were friends so I trusted him. I wish I had been more sure of myself back then, because I would've never allowed myself to be treated like an abused puppy. Dogs are one of the most innocent animals because even when they're abused, they still seek their owner/abuser. It's like Stockholm Syndrome. I wasn't ever physically abused, but I would be kicked down, gastlit & made to feel bad, & yet I still went back every single time because “he was having a bad day” or “he didn't really mean it”. Eventually I just became used to hiding how I felt in order to maintain the peace. If he had said something that hurt me, I would just keep it to myself. It felt like my feelings didn't matter & it became all about him. How he felt, how he wanted to be pleased, when he decided to see me or talk to me. I knew it wasn't a normal relationship from the beginning, yet I didn't really know how much being in this weird situationship/open relationship thing would take a toll on me throughout the following years. Again, looking back, had I had more confidence in myself, I would've never put myself in this situation. It's definitely a hard lesson I had to learn to make sure to never allow myself to be in that sort of situation again.
It wasn't all his fault. We tend to play a part in our own misery & I am no stranger to that. I would always be afraid to ask questions in case the answer wasn't what I wanted to hear so I would just drive myself crazy thinking of ALL the different scenarios that would've been solved by having those difficult conversations. My intimacy issues never allowed him to get close to me, always keeping him at arm’s length. Afraid what he would see if he got too close. It was almost easy being with him because I knew he wouldn't push me on that too hard & at the time, I was completely fine with not letting anybody in. It wasn't until the 8 months of us that I started truly standing up for myself & taking back my power. I stopped letting him walk all over me & talk to me crazy & imagine my surprise when he actually changed the way he acted with me? I was kicking myself for not speaking up all of these years!
I'd say the last 5 months of us were some of the best months of my life. Not just because of him, but because there was something in me shifting. I couldn't quite explain it, but everything just started aligning for me. I started prioritizing my health more. I had stopped drinking & smoking because I wanted to make sure all my decisions were made with a clear mind, not under the influence. I had started hanging out with my friends more & just enjoying my life more & more. I was outsideeeeeeee lol. How different life is when you decenter men & have other things fulfilling you, that bring you joy. Because of that, I was able to enjoy our last 5 months together because I wasn't taking him seriously anymore & just enjoying our time together.
The end came out of nowhere. We were on good terms. He was here every day & then he was gone. It's easy when you see each other every day, the effort is making it work outside of it. We had tried a couple of times to connect & they fell through both times. That's The Universe saying it's time to let it go. I still wasn't ready for it. At the very least I had hoped we would stay friends, after everything we had been through, after everything I did for him. It didn't end up that way though. He blocked me over something that had nothing to do with me & it was such a slap in the face. I had defended him through everything, risk losing my job for speaking up at how unjust everything that had gone down was & he knew this! Yet, you block me? It triggered something in me, replaying everything from the past couple of years in my mind like a horror movie. How could I have let this man get away with treating me this way all these years? My friends always tried to tell me, in the nicest ways possible, but I didn't want to hear them. I thought I could ~change him~, but a man is only going to change if he wants to. In the end, I was forced to let go. When The Universe wants people out of your life & you keep trying to hold on, it's going to keep beating you in the head until you let go.
Since I wasn't taking Baby Duck seriously anymore, my therapist suggested online dating. To be fair, she suggested this many months before I had decided to do it, but at the time I wasn't ready. Now with my new pep in my step, I ventured into the world of online dating. I was overwhelmed with all the possibilities, but I was able to narrow it down to 3 apps: POF, OKCupid & Hinge. I set up my profiles to display my personality as best as I could & made sure to include pictures that showed all of me. My biggest fear was meeting someone & them thinking I was trying to catfish them. Like no, no, I'm going to make sure you know I'm fat because if it's not your thing, then we won't waste each other's time! Uhm, boy was I not prepared to be overwhelmed. I immediately became inundated with messages. Some were very nice & sweet, but the majority were just creepy. That's the problem with dating apps - people just say whatever they want because it's not in person. You're gonna tell me you'd walk up to a stranger & say “God, I want to stick my dick between your breasts”? Whatever happened to “hello? My name is …” I was MORTIFIED, to say the least.
I spent April weeding throughout all the weirdos. I think the hardest part was trying to have a decent conversation with a man. All it ever took was 2 or 3 questions for it to start getting weird. It wasn't until the end of april that I ended up matching with Navy Man on Hinge. I always say I don't have a type, but this man was definitely my type: tatted up, jacked up white boy with blue eyes. Straight off the bat, he said “Hey beautiful. What are you looking for because I'm just looking for someone to have fun with. My work schedule is heavy & I don't really have time for anything else”. Now, normally that would've had me running away, but he was so beautiful I was like sure, why not! I had never done anything like this before & I had only ever been with one person so I wanted to do it just this once. The thing is that, I'm not that type of girl (no shade to anyone who is! I'm just mad anxious lol). I need to know someone before anything & he was not trying to do all of that. I had to bid Navy Man farewell & it was kinda sad because I know he would've tossed me around like a rag doll.
I posted this in my Close Friends after bidding Navy Man farewell:
May came the Dominican crusade, flooding my inbox. Seriously, it was insane. I matched with Business in the middle of May. He was cute & funny. Not gonna lie, I matched with him because he was part of a union & all I could think about was a conversation I had with my coworkers where they said, as you get older, you look for important things like men with pensions & insurance lol. We got to texting & he was going away & I was going away & I had jokingly said “looks like the next time I'm free is June 15th” & I never heard back from him. No loss there. Literally 2 days later, I matched with Disney. He turned out to be a terrible person. I learned with him that I should stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. If you're saying questionable shit at the beginning, you're gonna say more crazy shit as we go on.
Disney started off really nice, respectful. He was very cute & he was into a lot of things I was into, as far as astrology & shit. Within the first day of us speaking, he was speaking on marriage & just like textbook love bombing. I've been in therapy long enough to know that ain't it so I easily put him outside of the relationship category & more into the fwb category because he was still interesting to talk to. It wasn't long before he “accidentally” sent me dick picture. Now, as a women, I've gotten my fair share of unsolicited dick pictures. I almost passed out. I didn't even know they came in that size. Immediately I was like “& where the fuck is that supposed to go? Because it ain't anywhere over here!” He apologized, but things just kept getting weird. I feel like once sex is mentioned, they can't think of anything else & all of a sudden, all the interesting went out the window because that's all he wanted to talk about. It seemed like every week there was an excuse why we couldn't meet. He had disappeared Memorial day weekend & I'm not stupid, I really couldn't care more because we were just talking. He said he was “going through some things” & that he wasn't in the “right headspace” to go on a date, but that we could meet at a motel parking lot & “If the vibes are right, we could get a room.” I remember reading that message at 4 AM & cursing his ass the fuck out at 4:03 AM because in what world do I give off motel? Not even motel room, MOTEL PARKING LOT??? Baby, my perfume costs more than one night at a motel, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. I was like “how are you not in the right headspace for a date, but in the right headspace to fuck? & what the fuck do I look like laying up with a man I do not know?!?! Are you crazy??” That should've been my first clue to stop entertaining it, but alas, I like to learn things the hard way. He apologized & we started talking Normally again.
We ended up making plans to meet on June 8th, the day I got back from Philly. We were both so excited & were talking like 24/7 leading up to it. Now, we're both consenting adults & we had swapped photos back & forth so I had no nerves when it came to meeting him because he knew what he was getting himself into. So imagine my surprise when he asks for a particular video & when he gets it he responds in such a terrible way. I remember sitting in my room crying my eyes out because I didn't know what I did wrong. I had made sure he knew what he was getting himself into to avoid this exact scenario. The conversation just kept getting worse & worse because he kept saying how great I am, but that I had “more rolls” than he thought. He finishes this awful conversation by saying “I'm still down for head” AS IF!!! He really thought he could break me so that I could prey On that insecurity. Thankfully, I was amongst all my friends & they didn't let that happen. Get you some friends that will concoct A whole plan to get the men who hurt you jumped 🩷
See for yourself what type of loser The Universe sent me LOL.
I came back from Philly with a bruised ego. I was still replaying everything in my head & everytime I looked in the mirror, all I could hear were his words. Sunday, June 9th I get a text from who else? BUSINESS! He was texting to make plans to meet on June 15th LOL. I was like “wow, didn't know you were interested since you never responded” & he was like “how would you feel if you're hitting it off with someone & they say ‘sorry, we can't meet for another 4-5 business weeks’?” (Hence the name business). Part of me didn't want to even bother, especially with another Dominican man, but part of me kind of needed that ego boost so I agreed to meet with him that Thursday. I was so paranoid leading up to it because of what happened with Disney, that I was sending him pictures from all angles like “this is what I look like” because I wanted no doubts when we met. He was like “are you trying to get me to cancel? Because I definitely still want to see you.” That threw out all the anxiety in my body & I was ready for Thursday. Again, I'm not a hookup type of person so I had to get help from the pros.
Me, the day before we're supposed to meet:
Thursday comes, I've shaved my entire body, I smell like vanilla & I am fucking ready for this. My cousin & friend are coming along to make sure I don't end up on a documentary. 10 minutes away from where we are supposed to meet up & he texts me “you're going to hate me, but I'm not going to be able to make it.” I literally could not stop laughing because, if This isn't a sign from God saying “you're not meant for this type of life”, I don't know what is. We call our friend was going to meet us & instead we go out to eat at our favorite place. Jackson Hall has seen us at our worst & at our best. I drank a margarita the size of my face & I was okay … until I wasn't. Once again I was wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't even get a man to hook up with me. Once again, my friends were there to remind me that there's nothing wrong with me. It wasn't meant to be. At the very least, I still had Baby Duck so things weren't so bad, right? In a matter of a week I lost Disney, Business & Baby Duck lmao. Alexa, play Lookin For The Hoes by Sexyy Red!
Me, the day we were supposed to meet, drunk outside of Jackson Hall.
You can imagine how I felt about myself. I vowed to delete all the apps & just focus on myself. I did delete the apps & then my therapist said I shouldn't give up on it & to stick it out until at least September. Here I am in August, wishing I had just kept them deleted. I just don't find men that interesting lately. They all don't want anything serious, only casual. Don't want to do dates. Can't count how many times a man will invite me over to his place within the first couple of hours of us talking like sir? I could literally rob you! Men are for real the weakest links.
For sure giving all that a break right now to focus on myself because right now, no one seems more worth the attention than myself! I have so many things I want to do that don't involve a man & I'm so excited for them. I am doing my very first poetry reading at the end of the month! I have a Catfish & The Bottleman show for my birthday! I want to join a pottery class! So much to do! Oh yeah, & finally not be scared of driving lol. Working on that as well.
I had people on my IG vote & these are the 2 poems I will be reading. Baby Duck was the muse for these.
Anyways, If you've mad it this far, thank you! 🩷 I stopped posting because I felt like it wasn't doing much for me & then my friends would ask me why I stopped. I never had a good reason. I wrote a lot of posts that I meant to post but never did. Maybe one day to see what was going on in my mind back then. I think I'm going to do videos here as well, like I do on my Close Friends on Instagram. I don't know. There's so many possibilities! Definitely more poetry. I appreciate all the kind words whenever I post anything Anywhere. When people tell me their stories because we can relate, it Makes me feel less alone. I can't wait to see what the rest of the year brings! 🩷
Love, always in all ways,
Saddie 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
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