If The World Was Coming To An End, I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes Without Feeling Like I Lived.
*This post was brought to you by the playlist Power Ballads 4 Powerful Bitches by Yesika Salgado & the banyan tree interlude by Machine Gun Kelly*
You ever think of the exact moment in time where you questioned your entire existence? Like who really am I? What am I doing here? Lately I've been having these mini existential crisis episodes & I don't know what The Universe™️ is trying to tell me. It's like on the first day of school when your teachers ask you to share an interesting fact about yourself & all of a sudden you can't think of ANYTHING interesting to say. I always said I would be 100% honest in my blog & I feel I've been truthful. I've talked about things I've never talked about with others. But I feel like there are some topics I've stayed away from because I was embarrassed but this blog is about me & my experiences & what I'm really going through.
Now, I'm not about to sit here & say there's nothing interesting about me. I think I've reached the point of my journey where the things I love about myself outweigh the things I dislike about myself. I happen to think I am fucking amazing & am so proud at how far I've come. With that being said, I have nothing to show for my life, in terms of experience. Like, have I truly lived?! No, I haven't.
These thoughts came in full force last night while playing a game with my friends. The game consisted of answering extremely personal questions about your experiences, feelings & thoughts. You had your typical questions like "if you had 3 wishes, what would they be?" "What is your favorite scene from a romcom that you would want reenacted by your partner?" (OBVIOUSLY mine is Heath Ledger singing on the school steps while running away from security in 10 Things I Hate About You.)
Then it delved in deeper. If you couldn't or didn't want to answer the question you would have to drink. After the 4th round of taking a drink, I realized I legit have no experience in anything any normal 26 year old would have. I was so happy to be with my friends but found myself, once again, in my head.
Thinking back, I know why I am the way I am. I've lived my life on survival mode for the past 24 years. I've known no other way to live. I have seen the worst in people & have worked really hard to protect myself from being hurt. It's worked, but at what cost? I think of all the people I've pushed away who've shown any interest in me because the thought of anyone being nice to me is terrifying because no one has ever been nice to me without wanting something. Everyone who is ever hurt me had started off with being nice to me. For so long I felt like people who showed me any type of kindness had a secret agenda. It wasn't until this past year where I actually started letting people into my life. I just couldn't continue living like that. That's what we call GROWTH 💫
As I sat there in my cousin's living room that Saturday night, I listened to everyone answer their questions, jealous at the fact that they're able to say they've had a whole life. Even their embarrassing stories gave me a glimpse of everything I've lost due to trauma, depression & self sabotaging over the years. One of the questions asked was "what's the most dangerous thing you've ever done?" & I couldn't even answer that because I've always lived my life with so much caution. I've always been scared of getting in trouble, getting hurt, etc. My life has consisted of trying so hard to please others, trying so hard to lose weight so people would treat me differently & just trying so hard to be "good". Where has that gotten me? Nowhere!
Not having experiences in anything makes it hard for me to get through life sometimes. I spent the ages of 17-23, some of the most vital social skills building years, being extremely depressed, anxious & isolated. Because I lost those years of lessons, I feel it's hard for me to understand people. I spent the earlier part of Saturday talking to my cousin & best friend about this specific guy & they're looking at me like I have two heads because they feel he's interested in me & I'm like "guys he's just being nice!" I've spent my whole life being told I was ugly & undesirable that when people show genuine interest in me, I feel like they're playing a joke on me. I also even question if they actually like me or if they're just being nice. I will convince myself that they're just being nice because the possibility that someone can *actually* like me is a foreign concept to me. I just started liking me so I still have a hard time thinking people feel the same.
As humans, we crave intimacy. We crave love, we crave human touch. At the very least we crave attention. As someone who received the wrong kind of attention, the thought of the attention on me is mortifying. As someone who has been touched against their consent, the thought of someone touching me has me almost in tears. As someone who is used to being betrayed by those close to me, intimacy is something I can't even think about. I NEVER craved any of that … until I met the loml.
As many of you know, for the past couple of years (embarrassing, I know), I've been crushing on this one guy who I refer to as the loml. Sometimes I feel crazy. I feel absolutely insane. There are times when I feel this is very one sided. There are times when I don't think it is. I think back to this one time last year when we were at an event together & he could've sat anywhere else but he chose to sit right next to me, our legs touching. We talked in soft whispers as he asked me to look something up on his phone. As I went to reach for his phone, he grabbed my hand & our fingers interlocked. We looked into each other's eyes & back down at our interlocked hands. It felt so natural & the first time I ever felt comfortable being touched by another human. I spent the rest of the night with my head on his shoulder or letting his hand rest on my leg. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but I used to flinch whenever he attempted to even put his hand on my shoulder.
That feeling I felt that night was something I've held on to. I've sat with it. I've broken it down. I've analyzed it in all different directions. I've replayed all our conversations. I've thought about the way he looks at me. When I replay the moments in my head, I remember smelling the alcohol on his breath. I then think back to the droopy look in his eyes when he's looking at my eyes to my lips. I remember how he gets a little jealous when I mention the name of any other guy. I remember how he opens up more when he drinks & I feel so lucky that he chose me to listen but then the next day he says he doesn't remember anything from the night before. I don't say anything because sometimes I feel like I've dreamed it all. I don't say anything at all because a little part of me is scared I won't get anymore moments like that with him, which kind of sounds pathetic.
It's so pathetic, it makes me so angry. There are really tears coming out of my eyes because it makes me so angry that I've allowed myself to get to this point. I deserve someone who will like me everyday instead of just when they're drunk. In the movie Perks of Being A Wallflower, there's this scene where Patrick is seeing Brad in secret because Brad doesn't want anyone knowing he's gay. He has to be drunk in order to be with Patrick & although it hurts Patrick, he's still with him because he loves him. That's exactly how I feel. I can't help but think of all the little forms of intimacy between us happened when he was drunk. I can't help but feel if I was smaller, it would be easier for him. I know I deserve so much better, truly I do. I understand that this has nothing to do with me. I just had the unfortunate luck of falling for someone who was impossible to be with from the start. But this is where my lack of experience comes in because other people would know this situation was not it. NOT ME! I'm still sitting here with rose colored glasses, hoping one day he will wake up. Having feelings for men is so ghetto, I would not recommend. Ironically, Love Hurts by Nazareth has been playing while writing this. Bye Universe! 😭
Honestly, I think about everything I've gained from this situation. I've learned what I want for myself from others, like how I want to be treated. I think of how happy I feel when I'm around this person & they push me to be a better person. I think about how much this situation has helped me grow & added more to my character development. Although I'm sad because I'm unsure what the future will bring, I'm glad I can see there were a couple of positive things to come from this. Important thing here is growth! 💫
The couple of weeks before my birthday I get hit with a bunch of strong emotions. I feel like I'm never where I want to be, like I'm running out of time. I LOVE birthdays but my birthdays are always miserable because of this. This year threw everyone in a loop because of the pandemic & that made things 10 times harder. But this pandemic made me realize how grateful I am for everything & everyone I have in my life. Sometimes I forget that there are people who genuinely fuck with me, no agenda.
I will say that I was still in a depressed state up until recently. I've just not been eating, not looking after myself, spending money so recklessly because I've just been in limbo. I had stopped going to my monthly doctor visits at the beginning of the pandemic which had helped me hold myself accountable. I literally threw myself into working 60-70 hour weeks because I was trying to avoid facing my life. I didn't want to feel anything & if you're busy all the time, you don't get a chance to. But it started catching up to me. I decided to start back up with seeing my therapist on a weekly basis. I finally decided to see if I could get the ball rolling with another doctor for surgery. I just started moving different.
During my televisit with potentially my new surgeon, he gave me the disappointing news that I would have to start the process all over again. The 6 monthly visits, all the clearances, as well as losing another 100 lbs. I was fucking devasted honestly. The appointment was during work & I remember sitting in the conference room crying my eyes out, trying so hard not to let anyone hear me. I knew I'd have to start some things over again but not everything! I was so mad at myself. I was saying the most fucked up things to myself. I hated myself for feeling like I gave up earlier in the year. I felt this way for the next couple of days until I had to come to terms with it. There was nothing I could do but keep going forward. I can sit here & cry & give up or I can just move forward. After telling all this to my therapist at our last session, she encouraged me to keep going. So much so that she made me (highly recommended & gave incentive) to buy a scale to hold myself accountable & get over my anxiety about weighing myself. She even made sure I made an appointment with a nutritionist she's been trying to get me to see since February. All of this to help me reach my goals because, up until now, I knew what I wanted to do but I didn't have a solid plan. This made me excited. I'm so grateful to have the privilege to have an amazing therapist & the privilege to be able to afford her. I'm so happy to have an amazing team supporting me ❤
The month of my birthday always consists of me thinking of what I want to accomplish in this new year of life. I never write it down or say out loud so it gets lost in the abyss. This year I am turning 27 on the 27th, my Golden year! There are many things I want to accomplish like finally getting over my phobia of driving (I'm absolutely TERRIFIED!) *insert joke of being a virgin who can't drive here*.
I want to experience more of LIFE. I want to go on dates, brunch with my friends, just experience things normal 27 year olds do. I want to know what it's like to have "normal experiences." I want to have fun & actually enjoy what life brings to me. My goal this year is to focus on myself & do things I want to do. Experience life how I want to experience them. Baby I want it all!!!
In the perfect world the loml would be there beside me as I experience what the world has to offer. But we do not live in the perfect world & he is still a man & men are idiots. I know one day, whether it be him or someone else (😉😜), will see I am great! Like, I know I'm great but I would love to have a partner who thinks I'm great as well. One day! For now I'll just keep working on myself & listening to love songs with my head in the clouds …
As alway, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for reading my posts. They're usually all over the place & I tend to second guess when posting them but I have only ever gotten words of encouragement & love from all my posts. I appreciate it all!
PS: The usual end of the post photo dump!