It Was Good Until It Wasn't
Saturday, November 13th, 2021 - 2:24 pm
Hi! I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been 7 months since I last wrote anything & a whole lot of soul searching & life changing stuff has happened since my last post. I have a separate post on everything that’s happened since April so today I’m just talking about life recently. Honestly, I have all these feelings & thoughts that have been dying to get out of me which compelled me to write today. Lately I’ve been having issues expressing myself & it’s hard feeling misunderstood by those you deem important in your life. This most likely isn’t going to be a perfect post but it will probably be one of my most vulnerable posts yet.
Lately I’ve been feeling so fucking emotional & overthinking even the smallest things. I’ve been in weekly therapy for over a year now & I know I’ve done amazing with working on not overthinking every little thing. I’ve learned good things can happen on the other side of fear. I’ve learned to take more chances, in all different aspects, but myself especially because I deserve all the great things! One thing I’ve been struggling with these past two weeks has been overthinking everything & the fear of being too much for those around me. I wonder why God makes me fall for men who are so unkind with my heart. I wonder why I continue to let them play with my feelings because the small amount of happiness they give me does not outweigh all the shit they put me through. I used to let people treat me however because I thought that was all I deserved, then I realized I deserved a lot better. It’s helped me a lot this past year. Honestly, getting Covid & almost dying definitely showed me what’s important in life & one of those things is me! I lived the next 6 months after leaving the hospital with such gratitude for life & appreciation for myself & what I went through. Nobody could tell me shit! So how did it go from that to feeling like a used up napkin, discarded in the middle of the street, constantly being run over by the passing cars in the pouring rain? Good question!
Without saying too much, out of respect for the other person, it’s been a fucking trip, mostly on my side. I was involved with someone for a while & honestly, it was such a great time. The thrills, the butterflies, everything. It was fun, it was a distraction. I guess it’s true what they say, God just sends you people when you least expect it. I didn’t expect this person AT ALL & I didn’t expect him to be so great. In all honesty, he is great. I am the problem & I can admit that I fucked everything up. I tried so hard not to get attached that I just came off as if I didn’t care when in reality, I cared so much & still do.
He came to me like an angel in a dream … literally! That’s how it started because I never noticed him in that way before. It’s like the background character that becomes part of the main cast because he had been there all along. It was around this time last year when I had a dream of him & it was such a sweet, simple dream. I was walking along a terracotta brick alleyway filled with full, green trees by the marina. I wasn’t lost, but I didn’t really have a set destination. As I stopped to pick a street to walk down, he appeared & asked where I was going & if I would mind if he came with me. He grabbed my hand & led the way. I woke up so confused because, before this dream, I only saw him as a friend but something about that dream shifted to something a little bit more than friends. When I look back, that dream was like a message from The Universe as to what was to come.
I've always admired him, even as just friends. He was strong in all ways, thoughtful, nice, & he was so smart. It’s true what they say about never judging a book by its cover because I never expected to enjoy him so much. He had all these ideas & knew how to execute them. He knew how to stand his ground & get what he deserved & would always encourage me to not let people take advantage of me. Most importantly, he wasn’t a liar, even when I didn’t want to hear it. This was all while we were just friends. I never pursued the feelings I had developed after the dream because I didn’t think someone like him would be interested in someone like me.
Then one day in December, we just happened & I feel as if it’s when I started actually enjoying life. It sounds a little insane but let me explain. I’ve always been an anxious person, always in control, everything was so serious with me. He showed me there is more to life than worrying, that life can be fun & how to have fun. I don’t want to give all the credit to him because I put in the fucking work to get to where I am today, but I will say he has played a really big role in my growth over this past year. I felt like sunshine around him & I wanted to feel like that all the time so I switched my way of thinking. I used to shut down when faced with something I didn’t like but I didn’t feel like he deserved that so I started working on being better on how I communicated, not only with him but with everyone else in my life. He was such a good person that I strived to be great as well. Life felt so fun.
We went from having fun to it all of a sudden being weird. I know it was because of me. I was so afraid to show any attachment to him that I just came off as a bitch. I started overthinking EVERYTHING & questioning why the fuck he was even wasting his time with me, every time I made a comment because technically, he really didn’t have to deal with any of my shit but he has always been so patient & gentle with me, something I have never been used to anyone doing with me, let alone a man. I knew I was pushing him away & I just couldn't stop.
Saturday, December 11th, 2021 - 5:55 PM
You know, I felt he was very emotionally unavailable & I grew frustrated because I felt as if I was putting in all the work but I wasn't. I became scared because it went from this fun & carefree feeling to something a lot more stronger & suddenly he was everywhere. He was there when I closed my eyes at night, in every dream, he was in every song I heard, in every word I wrote, in every sign I read. Signs of him were everywhere & I couldn't escape him. It was like a strong gravitational pull. Whenever he came around me, my mind would turn to warm honey. My mouth felt like I had taken a giant spoonful of honey because I couldn't talk, couldn't form complete sentences. Everything with him was soft & sweet, at least in my mind. I remember the first time we held hands in September (yes, first time because holding hands is too intimate for me but we're growing). I've never liked anyone touching me, forget about holding my hand, but there we were. I just stared at how beautiful our hands looked locked together. I remember feeling that strong gravitational pull with our hands locked & looking into his eyes & feeling super anxious but calm at the same time. I don't even know how to explain it. It wasn't that lustful feeling you get at the pit of your stomach when you know shit is about to go DOWN. It was more like butterflies dancing around your heart on the first day of spring after a long, brutal winter. Suddenly, I didn't want to do anything but hold his hand in mine. You couldn't tell by looking at him but he has the gentlest touch & I just never thought it was possible for that to come from a man. Sadly, that was the last time we held hands because everything just went downhill from there.
One of the pros about being in therapy is being self aware & learning to hold myself accountable. One of the cons about being in therapy is being self aware & having to hold yourself accountable. Everytime I wanted to see him, he was busy. Everytime I texted him, I got no response. In reality, I knew he was busy & I'm the worst texter so I know how that is. I'm not making excuses, I just know how it can be. I remember the first time he told me he was busy I went home & cried because I felt so rejected, EVEN THOUGH I SAW HE WAS REALLY BUSY. But nonetheless, in my mind, he was done with me. I remember my therapy session that week had been all about this. I was like "well if you didn't want to be with me, you could just tell me, not fucking lie" & my therapist was like "where did you get that he didn't want to hang out with you ever? He just said he was busy." I was like wow, you're right Rachel. Then I was like "but he never texts me back!" & she was like "these days if someone isn't texting back immediately, we think the worst. This was never a problem 15 years ago. Maybe he isn't a texter." I realized I was doing the most & I began to relax.
October came around & it was more of the same. At this point I started to feel like I had done something wrong & started analyzing my every interaction with him. I would beat myself up for saying the stupidest things. My mood started shifting & I felt the distance slowly start to take its place in our lives. I remember how fucking awful I felt when he forgot my birthday. It's not the fact that he forgot, because my own mom forgets my birthday every year, I was upset about how upset I got by it, almost like "damn, I'm really hurt he forgot my birthday because I actually have feelings for this guy, aside from sexual." I had therapy that day & there I was, crying my eyes out on my birthday. My birthday always brings up weird feelings because I feel like I'm never in the place I want to be. I want the kids, I want the husband & here I was on my 28th birthday, crying over a guy that I wasn't even asking to be in a relationship with, just to remember my birthday. Then I was crying because I felt like I was just wasting my time & energy on someone who didn't give a single fuck about me. I picked myself up & decided I would try not to let it affect me & enjoy the rest of the day & then there it was: a beautiful plant waiting for me. My heart felt like it was going to explode like fireworks outside of my body. I'd never received a more beautiful gift. I had never been a plant person until he came along & bought a plant last year. Flowers, yes, but plants you had to keep alive. Suddenly I was a plant mom (although she died but she came back to life!) When I saw the plant on my birthday, I could not stop smiling. I named her Olivia after my absolute favorite One Direction song called 'Olivia'. There's a specific part in the song that starts at 1:38 (which I have tattooed on me) that reminds me of the scene in Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory where the whole forest is edible & magical. I always said I would name my daughter Olivia, God willing. Olivia is still alive & thriving on my desk & everytime I look at her, I smile because I will never forget the feeling I felt when I saw her for the first time.
November came & I was blocked. The feeling I felt when I found that out made me want to crawl into a hole & cry. I wanted to know what it was that I did so wrong to him. I felt discarded. I literally sat at my desk trying not to cry & there I was, upset again because CLEARLY he wanted nothing to do with me so why was I so upset? I remember being so mad & being like "why can't he just be honest & instead of ghosting me?" but there I was, in silence, because I was too afraid to ask anything of him. Just move on, I kept telling myself, but it wasn't that simple. It was a mistake, he said, so we moved on but it just didn't feel the same. The next week I was blocked again, or so I thought & I remember being so angry because it wasn't like I was asking anything of him for my personal gain. I was angry with myself because my therapist has been telling me for WEEKS that I should have a conversation on where we stand so that I'm not constantly overthinking things. I kept telling her there was no way that was going to happen because I didn't want to scare him & the thought if having this conversation with him made me want to throw up. Her exact words were: "eventually you're going to get tired of the run around & you're either going to explode & regret what you say or you'll never have the conversation & spend your whole time wondering what if." At that point, I grew tired & exploded. I didn't say anything mean, I just sort of word vomited in his DMs & realized a little too late that it was not what I had thought. I felt so crazy. In that moment I totally forgot you can unsend messages on Instagram 😭. But either way we were back to normal. It's a little ironic that when we were just friends we used to talk about everything & now we barely talk, we just swipe things under the rug.
One Friday night in November (the day before I started the beginning of this blog post) I went to hang out with my friends. I explained to my guys friends what had happened & they said I was toxic. ME!!! TOXIC!? I realized they were fucking right. I had been trying so hard not to be toxic that I became toxic. I had ruined something so great because of it. Like this started as something to release stress from both our lives & here I was adding unnecessary shit into his life. He didn't ask for that shit so I can see why he sort of distanced himself from me. Anyways, through the night we were exchanging stories of our terrible love lives & someone had said they were sleeping with someone they felt nothing for. Now, I'm not slutshaming at all because I'm all here for doing whatever you want but that's just not in me. I am such a fucking simp, it's not even funny. LORD, WHY DID YOU PICK ME TO BE A SIMP??? I couldn't imagine having sex with someone who didn't give me any sort of butterflies or could have me melting with simple eye contact. Give me all the passion! These thoughts played heavy in my mind throughout the night. Next thing I knew, it was 3 AM & I was writing a 4 page letter (or text) to him after multiple shots of Casa Migos & liquid Marijuanas. My intentions were not to send it. I usually write in my journal but I wasn't home so my phone was the next best thing. The liquid courage made me do it. I woke up at 6 AM & realized I had sent him my notes & I felt like dying of embarrassment. I didn't even read what I wrote until the next day because I was too embarrassed. You know what? It wasn't even bad! Here I was thinking I had said something so horrible to him, meanwhile it was me praising him & letting him know what an amazing person I think he is & how I'm sorry I've ever made him feel as if he was less than amazing.
He completely ghosted me & I never felt more confused in my life. Here I was, finally expressing my feelings to someone & I was met with silence. It was as if I wasn't even worth a response. I felt so fucking sad. I spent that Saturday & Sunday listening to All Too Well (Taylor's Version) on repeat, just crying at my desk. I cry a lot & it just so happens to be at work, apparently. Towards the end of that Sunday I decided to take the following days off to give myself a chance to breathe & cry, honestly. I spent Monday in my dark room, listening to music & crying because I felt so worthless & stupid. I felt stupid for being so vulnerable with someone & them completely stepping over that. I realize it may have been a lot to someone who is not used to people being as open as I am, but I would have respected him more if he told me he wasn't interested because, at the end of the day, I wasn't even asking him for a relationship. I just wanted to let him know that I thought he was amazing because life is so short. People deserve their flowers while they can smell them.
Here we are, a month later, in December & everything has changed for the worst. What's worse is that I miss him in ways I never knew was possible & I have to see him every day. These past two weeks he's been in almost every one of my dreams & they've been so pure & intimate, never sexual. He's been my protector in all of them & I've never felt safer, ever, than in my dream. He comes to mind with every song I listen to because he would always make fun of my music taste. It's hard missing someone you see every day because what can you do? You move on, I guess. I spent a month writing & thinking. I couldn't force myself to post anything because I was still trying to see how I felt. I think by posting this blog post, this is a way of me letting go & letting God take control. I can't force him to feel any type of way about me.
The Universe sent him to me at the time I needed him most in my life. I was so sad & broken & he (literally) held me together until I fixed myself. For this, I thank him. For all the beautiful times we spent together that helped me escape reality, for all the laughs we shared & smiles on my face this past year, I thank him. For pushing me to be a better person & showing me what to look for in a partner, I thank him. For making me feel like one of the most beautiful girls in the world, I thank him. For showing me that not all men are garbage, I thank him. There is so much love in my heart for him & it has allowed me to pour love into everything, everyday, & for that, I thank him & am most grateful.
This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to write because it's finally admitting something so beautiful in my life has come to an end & it feels like I am mourning the death of someone close to me. Tomorrow is the start of a new week & I can only hope that better days are to come. I know eventually I'll be okay but for now, I'll just let sadness linger a little longer.
Wishing love all ways, always.