Maybe One Day You'll Call Me & Tell Me That You're Sorry Too
*I never know what to title my posts so today's post is brought to you by both Harry Styles albums.*
It's been two weeks since I've last updated & 25 days of quarantine so far. One of the things that's been helping me get through this is thinking of finally reuniting with my friends once we're allowed outside & my signature white girl pose can make a comeback.
In all honesty, staying home isn't the hard part. The trying part is my mind. When you're alone, with no distractions, you're forced answer difficult questions about yourself. Being quarantined has forced me to face things head on instead of finding ways to escape as I usually tend to do. I wish I was better able to handle things like others but I am still trying.
Quarantine has brought up a lot of anxiety from my childhood that has followed me all my life. I've had to beg my family to take this virus seriously which triggered memories of me begging my dad to stay home so he wouldn't go out to drink, something I am now dealing with my brother. Having to beg someone to take your life into consideration when they're acting reckless & seeing them disregard your pleas is hurtful everytime it happens. You would think I would be used to it by now.
Substance abuse is something I've dealt with my entire life & has been the cause of the majority of my anxiety. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. Always worrying about the person you love leaving & never coming back. Always worrying when they do come back & wondering which version of them is going to walk through that door. The yelling & crying. Waiting for them to fall asleep & staying up all night to make sure they are still breathing & aren't choking on their own vomit. Having to clean up the vomit before they wake up. Them acting as if nothing happened. Having to do this every weekend since you can remember. Things finally get better & the cycle begins again, except it's repeating with one of the two people you love the most & hoped this curse would have left alone.
For a long time I have tried to avoid it. I did everything in my power to ignore it. I would work long hours, every day if I had to, to get away from it all. Then I would go home, straight to my room, or somewhere I could eat my troubles away until it was safe to come home. Then I would only have to worry about making sure they were alive, taking turns between the two rooms. There is no avoiding this when there is nowhere for you to go. But the problem is there's nothing I can do or help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I have to learn to let go. I think the phrase is "let go & let God."
Letting go is not something that comes easy to me, which is kind of funny because I feel like I have no control over anything so how can I let go when I'm not in control of anything? I've always observed everyone around me, taking notes of what not to do so I wouldn't have to learn things the hard way as I've seen others learn. I guess you can say it's cheating the system because I never had to personally go through these situations but knew what route to go to get the desired results. I remember talking about this guy I met to a friend awhile ago. I was telling her how I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him & hopefully things would work out between us. I remember her telling me no one meets the person they're going to be with forever, if there even is such a person. She said "it wasn't fair" if I met my soulmate in my first time without getting my heart broken "like everyone else" before meeting the guy of my dreams. I'm not sure why this conversation comes to mind when I think about what I'm currently going through, maybe it's about not cheating the system & actually going through things instead of observing? In this case I am learning to let go instead of trying to control everything.
I know I deserve the best & it's not what I've been getting. I've allowed people to treat me as an option because, for a long time, I felt that was all I deserved. I felt "lucky" that someone was even paying attention to me when all he was paying me was DUST. I have allowed people to "love" me in secret because they were afraid to love me out loud in fear of what those around them would say. I allowed it because when you've never truly known what love is, you'll accept anything that looks like it. Anyone can say all the right things in secret but I deserve someone who will let the whole world know they are in love with me, not a fucking coward. I deserve someone giving me flowers without asking or telling me to get over things that upset me. I don't deserve someone being hot & cold with me, leaving me wondering how they truly feel about me. I don't want someone who is unsure of how they feel about me. I deserve someone who is like "YES, she is the one!"
I am finally letting go of feeling as if I don't deserve someone who will treat me right. I tend to self sabotage a lot because I feel as if I don't deserve good things, whether it be friends, my physical health, or in my love life. Also the trauma of growing up where everyday someone told you how disgusting & ugly you were. As soon as someone showed any interest in me, my guard would go up because I was unsure if it was genuine. I've had guys ask me out only to later find out it was a joke amongst their friends. It is a feeling that never goes away. But I now know there was nothing wrong with me, there was something wrong with them for treating people that way. I deserve all the good people who come to me because I know I am a good person. I want someone who will choose me because it just makes sense to them. In the words of Meredith Grey:
Anyways, aside from all the life decisions I've been making, I still have my day to day trials & tribulations. I wish I could say I was one of those people who have been working out & eating right the whole time during quarantine but no. I've been so depressed this whole time, my quarantine has consisted of Netflix. I've started & finished a lot of series. It numbs me when I'm tired of thinking. I just started Breaking Bad which I've been told helps with heartbreak & depression so we're giving it a go. Also have been feeling really nostalgic so I've been watching Rugrats & Hey Arnold! in between. Helga's love for Arnold is a whole mood.
I've also slowly been getting back in my journal, even if it's just a couple of sentences. Today I actually wrote something I am proud of because I didn't overthink it too much. I always struggle with sharing my writing but here it is:
hat Is Your Favorite Song? By that I mean what is your favorite song when you're happy? Does it make you want to dance? Or is it the one that reminds you of a time you felt free? What is it that you do to unwind at the end of the day? Do you reach for the bottle with liquid the color of your eyes? Do you walk in the shower, hoping the hot water washes away the worries of the day? Maybe you blast the radio as loud as it can go to block out the noise in your head? What is your favorite song when you're sad? Is it the one that makes you cry like Rose did over Jack? Or is it the one you scream out until there's nothing left inside? What is your favorite movie? Is it the one where 2 people meet at the right time & live happily ever after? Or is it the one where the lion cub becomes king? Maybe it's the one you used to secretly watch with your mom about the women who ran their world & created their own happiness? What is your favorite song when you're in love? Is it the one that makes you feel like you can conquer the world? Or is it the one that makes you feel like home? What is your favorite color? Is it the hues of blues in your favorite shirts? Or is it the caramel swirls in your hair? Maybe it's the shade of red you turn whenever someone compliments you? All these questions are pieces of the puzzle that is you. The puzzle I've spent years trying to put together. The little pieces of you that make me fall in love with you.
I'm still not sure if I was talking to myself or the loml.
I'm struggling with eating right now because some days I eat everything & other days I'm not eating at all. I'm trying very hard not to eat with my emotions but I'm a very emotional person so we're struggling but I'm determined to fix that as well as work out more. I'm trying to be one of those people who gets serotonin from working out because Lord knows I need all the serotonin I can get! So this upcoming week I have 3 goals: work out more, eat better & regularly, letting go on things I can't control & focus on what I can control.
We're in the middle of a pandemic, why am I talking about all of this? Because I have nothing else to do but think. But talking about it helps. Sometimes I don't have the words to talk about it with those around me so I just dump everything in a post. Sometimes I publish it & sometimes it stays in the drafts. I'm deciding to publish this because its another way to connect with others during these long periods of isolation.
If you've made it through this whole post, thank you! Whenever I post I'm not sure what the reaction will be, if any, but there's been nothing but kindness that comes from it. I'm not sure what I am so worried about I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read anything I write, even when I ramble like this post.
Until next time!
Sidenote: there's like 2 additional Ross gifs randomly & I can't fix it at the time of publication because the app is glitching so ignore that! Thanks!