Never Too Much

To quote the late, great Luther Vandross: “You must have known that I had feelings deep enough to swim in.” This week I found myself floating in the middle of the ocean that is my emotions. I’ve been excited, anxious, sad, & everything in between. It’s left me wondering, what does it mean when someone says you’re “too much”? Too much flesh? Too much emotion? Too much soul to handle? I think back to all the times I’ve been told I’m “too much.” When I was younger, it was when I became so overcome with my emotions & didn’t know yet how to properly express myself. In my teens & 20s the term was used towards my body. Too much skin, too many rolls, “you’re beautiful, but your weight, it’s too much.” At a very young age I learned to bottle my emotions to make myself more palatable to those around me. I became more aware of the space I occupied & made sure to blend in as much as I possibly could. All to avoid being perceived as “too much” ever again.

Things like this creep up on you. At first you don’t think anything of it & then one day, you’re afraid of telling someone they’re hurting you because you don’t want to be told you’re “doing too much.” You’re afraid to express your love to people because it’s too much & it’ll scare them away. You feel too much, You don’t know how to love something, someone, a normal amount. I don’t know what it’s like to love someone a little bit. When I love someone, it consumes my entire being. One of the best things about me is that there is not a single thing I wouldn’t do for someone I love. It is also a curse because I always, somehow, end up with someone who doesn’t know what to do with that love, or just doesn’t care for it. It’s how I found myself stuck in a soul sucking relationship for 4 years.

Back in February, my therapist asked me to write down all the qualities I was looking for in a partner & how I wanted them to treat me. I wanted someone funny, someone kind, someone who felt lucky to have me. Who enjoyed music as much as I did, who had the same family values as me & who is soft & warm. I described this person as “someone who feels like sunlight on my skin.” I remember reading her my list & she was like “so why are we crying over someone who doesn’t fit those qualities?” She ate me up with that one, not going to lie because it’s true! Why am I crying over someone who just filled me with tears & anxiety? Not to be crude, but the sex wasn’t anything to write home about either so really, what was I really missing out on? It’s sad to admit that it took me several months later to really get it through my head that this connection wasn’t doing anything for me. I just couldn’t let go.

We play a part in our own suffering. We keep ourselves in situations we have no business being in in the first place. We don’t leave at the first red flag, thinking the person can change if you just loved them more, if you did whatever they wanted in order to keep the peace, if you weren’t too much. I should’ve left the first time I was disrespected. I convinced myself it was a one time thing. As time went on, I kept making excuses: “oh, he’s dealing with a lot.” “I’m sure he likes me, he just doesn’t know how to properly express it because he had such a rough life.” 

Being on the other side of it, none of those were valid excuses to treat someone as if they were too much, as if they didn’t matter because I’ve always been dealing with a lot. I’ve also been through a lot, but none made me want to treat people like shit. If anything, it’s made me a kinder person because I never want someone to feel like this. Someone’s feelings are so precious, someone sharing their heart with you is such a privilege. I can’t imagine handling it without the utmost respect & care it deserves. 

So you’re probably wondering what triggered all of this. The most surprising place of all … Hinge. A couple of weeks ago I decided to download Hinge again & went in with zero expectations, especially after my short stint with Poliwag. Poliwag was a guy I met on Hinge back in July who was pretty normal, you can say. He was poly & remember when I said we play a role in our own suffering? I really just be doing shit for the plot. He was definitely opposite to what I was used to & it was a nice change, honestly. I thought everything was going well. We finally met after talking for a bit & hung out a couple of times after, which, I thought, went well. Then he kissed my hand & forehead & ghosted me the next day. 

Anyways, this time around I updated my profile in the most unserious way because expectations were very low, like deeper than hell low. Now, to know me is to know I LOVE a man who can make me laugh & I LOVE men with big noses so the obvious thing to do was put a prompt that said I’m weirdly attracted to big nosed, goofy men. Once again, the weirdos came out to play. Some guys would be like “I don’t have a big nose, but I’m goofy 🤪” like sir, please exit stage left. I felt myself being super nitpicky, like “this guy can’t spell” or the incorrect use of an emoji would throw me off. Once again, I responded to none - until there was one. He seemed to be more on the normal side & he was hot so I bit the bait.

I’m still trying to figure out what exactly it was about him that made me actually respond to him. I think it all came down to timing. The week before I had finally had enough. I told Baby Duck that every time I think of him, I think of disappointment. I’d never talked to him in that way because I was always afraid it would mess us up, but I was so fucking over him treating me like a doormat. I was so over letting him treat me like a doormat. It’s like, how many more times was I going to let him show me what he really thought of me? He thought he could disrespect me, my time & I would still be there? FUCK THAT.

To be fair, the reason Poliwag ghosting me didn’t phase me as much as I thought it would was because I hadn’t really ended things for good with Baby Duck. I had left the door open so he could continue dragging his feet on the doormat of my heart. It also wasn’t fair to Poliwag because I was constantly comparing him to Baby Duck. He was the complete opposite, in all ways. He was nicer, he paid an extreme amount of attention to me, we bonded over music. Everything that Baby Duck deprived me of, Poliwag had come up strong with. At the time, I thought that’s what I wanted. Seeing the bigger picture now, I see Poliwag came into my life to kind of give me an idea of what exactly it is that I wanted from a person & for that, I’m thankful. Don’t get me wrong, I think ghosting is such a bitch move. I will literally never understand how men lack so damn much in the communication department & I just know the God I serve wouldn’t want me with a man like that. Again, rejection is God’s protection. 

The week before Thanksgiving I felt like I finally had space in my heart to connect with someone. I wanted nothing more to do with Baby Duck because I had finally reached the point of disgust & I felt confident I'd be able to give someone a fair chance. I think what drew me to respond to Ace Ventura, aside from the timing, was that his profile was different than most. He just had this soft vibe about him, like golden retriever vibes. He passed the nose test & he was funny so we exchanged IGs & have been talking ever since. 

It’s hard talking to someone new, even harder when you kind of have PTSD from a psychologically torturing relationship. I don’t want to bring any of that into a new connection, & I don’t want to ruin a new connection by not having an open heart & mind. It’s also hard speaking to someone new because when do you decide the connection is not for you? Meaning if they don’t respond in a timely manner, is it justified to say “yeah, this isn’t for me?” or is that me being nitpicky & self sabotaging because I’m afraid to meet someone new? Because I’ve dealt with someone who was just so bad at communicating with me, I want to be open & straightforward off the bat. I’m always afraid it will sever a connection, but the right person will appreciate my open communication. 

Anyways, not only did I have the fear of my open communication & feeling like I was being “needy”, I had the added pressure of meeting on a dating app, meaning they didn’t really know what I looked like in real life. I can put all sorts of pictures on my profile so you can see I’m nowhere near small, but you just never know & after dealing with the horrible things Disney Villain said to me, I was even more hesitant. I kept sending Ace Ventura pictures & videos of me like “I just want you to know what you’re working with & if it’s too much for you, we call it quits right now.” I didn’t want to open myself up to someone who wasn’t absolutely into all of me. 

The picture that sparked this whole post was a very classy lifted shirt bathroom selfie where you could see my bra & my stomach, leaving no room for imagination of what I actually looked like. Fully expecting it to be a lot for him, I sent it to him with the caption “too much?” & his response brought tears to my eyes. He said “Not too much … I’m blessed.” I’m not going to lie, that shit made my heart flutter so much, it felt like it was going to fly out of my chest. That comment made me feel so safe to open myself up to him in ways I had not been able to with anyone else, not even Baby Duck after 4 years. It’s so hard going from dealing with a man who is so cold & distant, borderline mean, & self deprecating to a man who is so soft spoken, so sweet, so gentle & so kind. & hey, some men are nice until they get what they want, but I have to believe that Ace Ventura is just a kind, gentle soul. If I go into every connection thinking they’re hiding something, I will never be able to connect with anyone. All I’ve ever wanted was to feel safe with someone & have someone bring out the softness in me. I leaned into his softness &, so far, it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. 

I don’t like talking about someone if I’m still currently dealing with them, out of respect for them. I will just say we had a nice first meeting. He was even sweeter in person, which I didn’t think was even possible. He made me feel so safe & my insecurities went out the window. I felt like our conversation flowed smoothly, except for the expected awkwardness of first dates. He’s also so fascinating to me. Definitely the most interesting man I’ve spoken to. I’ve never felt so comfortable to be myself with someone I had just met, if I’m being honest. It was such a wonderful experience, 10000/10. My only complaint is that I wish we had more time together.

Please don’t mistake this with me planning our wedding. If I’m being honest, all of this terrifies me. Opening myself up to someone & not knowing how it will end is so terrifying, but this is the only way I will ever be able to get what I want in life: doing things scared. I don’t want to put any pressure on anything. To know me is to know I can be delusional sometimes, but I don’t want to rush or force anything. I want to just enjoy someone’s company & see what can blossom from it organically. I can only just continue being myself in hopes the person appreciates me for me. I poured so much love into someone who didn’t appreciate it, imagine what my love would feel like to someone who actually appreciates it? Again, I’m not saying Ace Ventura is The One. In the brief time we’ve had together, he has opened my eyes in different ways, the main one being that there are guys like him who exist. That what I want is out there & that I’m not asking for too much from The Universe. Also, he said I felt like the warmest hug he’s ever had & I’m sorry, there’s literally no going back to a man who doesn’t speak to me in that way ever again! Absolutely not! Y’all know I don’t even like hugging so to say he had me internally giggling & kicking my feet is an understatement. Every person I encounter teaches me so much about myself & brings me closer to what I want out of this little life of mine.

When I think of how I love & how I want to express my love, moving forward - with no fears, I think of my favorite Luther Vandross song, “Never Too Much”, which ties this whole post up: “You are my shining star, my guiding light, my love fantasy. There’s not a minute, hour, day or night that I don't love you.” That’s how I want to love & that’s how I want to be loved - very much, that loving me is never “too much.”

Love always, in all ways,

Saddie 🩷✨️

PS: Here's a little behind the scenes of before my date this week that I shared on my close friends' story. Could you tell I was nervous? I've always enjoyed documenting my life & I'm starting to get a lot more comfortable in front of the camera.

Also what I wore when we met, taken 10 minutes before he came & 10 minutes after I was hyperventilating & my best friend had to calm me down: