Oh, What A World
I wish I could describe the blissful day today has been. The intense sense of peace I've felt all day has felt like nothing I've felt before. It's been me, Kacey Musgraves' Golden Hour playing softly through my headphones & my dog. To be fair, I'm recovering from a minor procedure I had done on Monday but, despite the cramping, I feel good. Smoking weed for the first time in awhile is probably helping too, adding to this hazy feeling of in-between.
My life has a soundtrack. Every month is a different album, every day in that month is a different song. I find myself listening to one song off an album & all of a sudden the whole album makes sense. It's like it finds me at the perfect time. Divine timing. March's soundtrack has been Golden Hour & it's slowly taken over April. It fits so perfectly in my Golden year of life. It makes sense because I've begun living my life like a movie, with me as the main character. I've begun romanticizing the little things in my life because life is too short & I've wasted too much of my life hating my life & myself. Golden Hour makes me feel like I am in a romance movie, filled with dancing under starry night skies in the summertime, sunflowers & the smell of cologne intoxicating me. I'm manifesting a whole lot of love for this summer & the rest of my life.
Lately I've been feeling as light as a feather, as if the clarity I received these past two months has lifted this dark cloud from above me. So many things transpired after my last post & I had to take time to soak everything in. When I began writing my last post, I had no idea how many people were going to read it. I usually get a decent amount of views on my post but never did I think my last post was going to be viewed over 200 times. I felt kind of exposed, to be honest. Like, yes, I know I'm posting on the internet but all of a sudden there were people I didn't know reading my personal thoughts. It's hard to explain honestly. It's like when I share my posts on my IG or Twitter, it's to people I know. What I also didn't expect was the amount of love & support people showed me. So many people reached out telling me they sided with me because they know I didn't deserve any of this shit. I had friends who I'd had falling outs with who heard what happened & were ready to fight the world for me. I had people reach out & hold space for my feelings, never once making me feel like I was insane.
To be honest, it was all very overwhelming at first. So many emotions were rising to the surface, one of them being humiliation. Like yes, I post on the internet so anyone can read but this is my little corner of the internet where no one bothers me. It sort of felt like I had displayed my humiliation for the whole world to read about but there really was nothing to be ashamed of. I'm a person who had very strong feelings for someone & got betrayed by someone I thought was my friend. It says more about what kind of person they are than who I am. This will be the last time I mention any of these people because I feel like I have worked hard these past two months to move forward from the situation. To keep it short & sweet, my post was read by the other parties in this situation & they felt some type of way. Some people feel I should apologize but why? I said what I said & I meant what I said. Everything I said was true. I was called obsessed & jealous & you know what? Yes, maybe I was obsessed but jealous? Honey, never that. Maybe I was obsessed with the fact I thought I found someone nice in this world, someone, who I thought, treated me with respect. I guess I was obsessed with the feeling this person brought out of me because it changed my views of life. Looking back, I was not in love with him, I was in love with the feeling. I read this quote a while back that said "you begin to realize how ordinary people are once you stop liking them. You realize it was YOUR love for them that made them extraordinary." If that ain't the truth. I also stopped feeling ashamed of my feelings when I realized some people feed off of your feelings for them. It feeds their ego. At one point I felt like I wasted so much time, energy & feelings on someone who didn't deserve it but in reality, I showed kindness & love to someone & poured it out into the world. Sometimes, you don't end up with the people you wish you would've & that's okay. I know I will look back at this moment in my life & thank The Universe for not letting us happen.
This is where the door closes on this chapter & opens another door where I pour all that love & energy into myself. I want love & light in my life? I'm going to be the love of my life, I'm going to be the light of MY life. I want to be respected? I'm going to respect myself by not putting myself in situations that will not get me closer to the person I want to be. This past month has been all about healing through my feelings instead of starving them of attention & pretending they don't exist. I spent so much time analyzing the situation & wondering what I could've done to change the outcome, but there was literally nothing I could've done. Once I came to terms with this, everything started just falling into place for me. I began viewing myself different because I started pouring these feelings into myself. I feel like this whole month The Universe sent me messages letting me know I'm on the right path & I've been soaking it all in. I've found peace in things that used to bring me pain & chaos. I've begun living in the now & not holding onto the past & worrying about the future. It has made a world of a difference to my life.
So what's happened in these past two months? Growth. New opportunities. New experiences. I lost 10 lbs which brings me 18 lbs closer to my next goal! That's rad. I'm no longer a virgin. Virginity is a social construct & I've always had mixed feelings on its meaning. Like I "lost my virginity" sounds as if I lost a part of me, but in reality I've found a new part of me. I'm discovering what I like & don't like & it's so exciting. I'm working on pushing past the little bit of shame I feel because I'm still trying to decondition my brain from "the right way things are supposed to be done." Everything happened naturally & not once did I feel pressured. If ever I felt uncomfortable it was because I was overthinking things & living in my head, not in the moment. In those times he gave me space until I was ready. I'm glad I waited so long because it could not have been with a better person. If you would've told me three years ago this would've been the person, I would've laughed in disbelief.
Because I'm me, I literally took this picture after & sent it to the group chat after my 🚨🚨🚨 text. Underneath this hoodie was a t-shirt with a scene from Harry's Watermelon Sugar video so yes, this was all very Saddie. No regrets.
If I'm being honest, this all scares me. A good kind of scare. Great things are on the other side of fear & I am witnessing this to be true. I used to be afraid of being alone with any man, & I still am, but with him I don't feel that fear. I know The Universe put this person in my life to teach me lessons & challenge my thinking. Before this all gets misconstrued, I fully understand where we both stand with each other & this is all for fun & I respect what it is. I wouldn't want anyone thinking I was obsessed because if he told me we were done, I would be okay. Sometimes I find myself questioning why he chose me to experience this with because this man is SO fine, there are so many other girls he could have. I expressed these thoughts to my therapist at our last session & she asked me why I didn't think I deserved a person like him being interested in me? Why did I think he was out of my league? She said sex is more than just "hey, I think you're hot, let's bang." There's a chemistry to it, a science to it because most people can't just have sex with anyone. I never took chemistry but I'm pretty sure what we have is chemistry. I mentioned this to my friend as well & she almost smacked me for even saying it & was like "what have I told you? Whoever you let into your life should be honored because it's a privilege to fuck with you." When these thoughts begin to creep through my mind, I remember the intense, burning sensation I get in my stomach when we make eye contact & those thoughts melt away. Y'all ever been turned on by eye contact? I never knew it was a thing until now.
I still have a lot to unlearn about what I've been taught about my body & unpack the trauma I've experienced because I do find it having an impact on our time together. I've stopped shaking when I'm close to him & I don't flinch as much whenever he grabs my hand. I've yet to kiss him because that's just a whole other level of intimacy I'm not ready for. Shit, I still get extremely nervous texting him. I know, make it make sense. I'm definitely still getting used to him touching me in any way without me freaking out. For example, the last time we were together, he was caressing the area between my stomach & my hip, an area I struggle making peace with the most. I remember stopping & questioning like "WHY??? OUT OF ALL THE SPOTS?" But he wasn't doing anything different than as if he was holding my hand or stroking my face. Like did I think by him not touching my roll, it would be as if it wasn't there? He sees me, ALL of me, & is still into me. I need to stop thinking he's going to run away when he realizes I'm fat as if he doesn't see me & knows my whole body feels like a giant marshmallow. As much as it may seem like this is about him, it's very much about me. Being with him has led me to discover parts of myself I never knew I had in me. I've learned to appreciate my body so much more & have begun to embrace my feminine energy. Who knew a man could bring that out? Only time I will give credit to a man, even though I know it'll hype his big ass head up.
Of course, just as I started getting excited about embarking on this new journey, The Universe said NO MA'AM & put a stop to it. It's like before Covid hit, I had finally started going out & living a ~normal~ life & then it shut everything down. Like damn! You couldn't even let me enjoy it a little bit more? So rude. That's how I felt when my period started acting up & I ended up getting the news from my doctor that I might have trouble conceiving. When I tell you I felt like my whole world stopped in that instance. Not that I was trying to, I had literally just lost my vcard three days before, but if you know me, you know all I've ever wanted was my own little family. I've always wanted to have kids so being told there might be a chance I couldn't, it was like my dreams were being crushed. The reason I was going for weight loss surgery was because I knew it would improve my chances to have babies. Like yes, I'd be smaller, but the end goal was always babies. I remember coming home that day, crawled into bed & cried for hours. The week after my appointment I was super depressed. I felt like what was the fucking point of anything anymore? On top of that my doctor wanted to perform a D&C to make sure there was nothing worse going on, just as a precaution. Like bitch, what was worse than the news you gave me??? The therapy session after that appointment was intense because my therapist knew the devastating impact this news would have on me. She knew what my dreams were & thank God for her because she walked me off the ledge because I was ready to spiral.
I mentioned earlier how The Universe sent messages to me this month to assure me I was on the right path. Because a D&C is considered a surgical procedure, I had to do a bunch of presurgical testing to make sure I was cleared to undergo the procedure. During presurgical testing, I met the sweetest doctor & team. I've had the worst experiences when it comes to doctors because they automatically assume I have all these issues meanwhile I have asthma (which people of all sizes have) & lupus (again, people of all sizes have.) But during presurgical testing, the doctor came in & asked the usual questions & I don't remember what brought about the conversation but he was telling me how he battled his weight all his life & I was like "great! Here we go with another before & after story" but it wasn't. He told me how he understands the struggle & never judges his patients & he tries to teach his staff the same, those who don't understand what a life-long struggle it is. He told me about his family, who struggled with their weight as well. One specific person he mentioned was his aunt who died almost 15 years ago. He said during her eulogy, not once was her weight mentioned. Her laughter, her kindness, her love for others, that's what was mentioned. He says he thinks of her often & her weight is never the first thing he thinks of when he thinks of her. When I tell you I cried my eyes out as he spoke because it was true. When I think about my favorite people, I don't think of their weight or looks. I think of how I enjoy laughing until I can't breathe with my best friend on the way to our next adventure. When I think of the person I'm intimate with, I think of how I love when he smiles so big, it reaches the corners of his eyes & his laugh fills the entire room. If I could think like this of other people, was it so hard to believe that people thought similar of me?
I ended up leaving that appointment with so much confidence & clarity, knowing I had needed to hear something like that at that exact moment. I was already getting to that point in my life but the conversation just further drove it home. It's really hard learning to love your body when everyone & everything around you is telling you it's wrong. I don't know about y'all but when I like myself, I tend to take care of myself better. If tough love worked on fat people, there would be no fat people because people are very cruel & for what? Like does it make you feel better about yourself? Anyways, the first step was following more people who looked & were shaped like me. It was like creating a live pinterest board! We are what we consume & I stopped following people who made me feel bad about myself. I'll never forget how I felt when I first saw a picture of a fat woman with tattoos all over her body. I was in awe because I had always wanted tattoos but said I would get them when I "got skinny." It changed my perspective & here we are, 9 tattoos later & in love with myself more everyday. I love looking at pictures of myself & seeing how badass my tattoos make me look. I love seeing women who look like me living their best life, in whatever way that may be. I love hearing stories of women who look like me having amazing sex with their partners because I never thought it was a possibility for someone my size & now it's something I'm getting into. Once I started seeing more people who looked like me living life on their own terms, I stopped hating myself & it feels fucking amazing. I used to feel ashamed if I liked myself because I felt like I didn't deserve to. Now y'all are going to get all these selfies & see how great I look!
This is probably one of my favorite ones because it was taken after a therapy session & you can see the glow coming through. No filter can do that.
Monday I went in for my D&C, & at my previous appointment, my doctor & I had agreed the best thing at this time was to get the Mirena iud. Oral birth control would not help me & would make me gain weight & we needed something that would target the exact area so here we are, the day after placement. The first day they said it would be uncomfortable because of the cramping. The second day has been a whole lot better & I've just been resting as much as I can. I would love to say I got Mirena for all my wild escapades but it's really to regulate my period. So sexy, I know.
Some people say I am very open about everything - I'm pretty much an open book. I talk about things that make others uncomfortable & sometimes I'm embarrassed but then I remember that growing up, I wish more people had talked about things like this. These days people try & make their lives seem so perfect. The overfiltered pictures, the zoomed in pictures so people think you're living this luxurious life & for what? What is the point for flexing for anyone? I'm not afraid to show the bad in my life because out of the bad comes lessons that led me to the good in my life. I also think of the times where I've opened up about my depression & had so many people reach out to me about how they've felt the same way & don't feel so alone or when I tweeted about issues with my period & this girl dm'd me asking me questions because she was dealing with the same issues & she was scared. So yes, I am open about everything because at the end of the day it is me. I've spent my whole life being silent, carrying shame & I'm done with that part of my life. I don't want to be quiet. I don't want to blend in with everyone else. I think of where I am at this point in my life & it excites me. It thrills me that 16 year old me would think I'm cool as fuck. Even 25 year old me would think I'm cool as fuck. 9 year old Saddie can finally be at peace knowing that 27 year old Saddie is doing everything she can to make her feel safe while living life on her own terms.
This is usually where I thank everyone for reading my post &, I mean it every single time, that I truly appreciate anyone who takes time out of their day to read my posts. I want to send an extra big thank you to every single person who reached out to me from my last post. So many kind words & support from people I never even talked to. Love from people who I haven't talked to in so long but checked up on me to make sure I was okay. The love & support definitely helped me during this time & made me realize how truly lucky *I* was because I had all these people who GENUINELY fuck with me, showing me all this love because of the person I am. Let me show you what it looks like when people actually fuck with you as a person! 😌
As always, love you all. Until next time 💜
The end of the blog post photo dump! Pretty much just my face with all my new nose jewelry 💫💜
Even got a lil tattoo I've been wanting for awhile 💜