On The 12th Day Of Quarantine My True Love Gave To Me

You ever watch those movies where it starts on a really chaotic scene & it pauses with the narrator saying "hi, you're probably wondering how I got here." That's how I feel like life is going for everyone these days. We're all trying to see where the fuck we went wrong.

If I had to use a picture to describe my mood, this is what it would be:

***Disclaimer: this blog is called Being Saddie & is about me. This post is about how I'm dealing with all this but please don't take it as me not recognizing the privilege I have of being able to quarantine. I'm very grateful for all the doctors, nurses, janitors, truck drivers, grocery workers, farm workers, & everyone out there working every day to make our lives function to the best of its capabilities & putting their lives on the line to save lives.***

Three weeks ago I went back to working full time, was back on track with my wellness, making strides with my mental health & taking steps on getting out of my shell. The thought of spring right around the corner had my seasonal depression disappearing with each passing day. I felt very optimistic about the future, which isn't something I've ever felt before.

It was around the first week of March when people began to freak out about covid-19 here. Surprisingly, I was still relatively calm. I found that during the beginning of it all many of us who deal with anxiety on a regular basis were calm. Someone said those of us with anxiety are always worrying about the worst case scenario & live with those chaotic thoughts on a daily basis that this is nothing new, the rest of the world was just catching up. Regardless of everyone freaking out, I was going to work as we were still open. I can't really say when it happened but it was from one day to the next where the calls just came pouring in, with clients cancelling their events. It wasn't until around March 16th when I saw just how serious this was but I still tried to remain optimistic about this because I knew that once I started to freak out, there was nothing to stop me. Later on in the day I received a call from my pulmonologist saying I was considered to be immunocompromised because I have been hospitalized with lung issues in the past & have asthma. He advised me on what I should do if I was experiencing symptoms. This caused me to be a little more cautious but not panicked. What caused me to panic was the next afternoon when I felt myself come down with a slight fever. That was all it took for me to take a step back & decide to voluntarily quarantine to not put myself or others at risk.

My first day of quarantine was Wednesday, March 18th. Today makes 12 days of quarantine, without leaving the house for anything, except for 15 minutes on Friday when I had to go to the bank. Other than that little trip to the bank, I have not left my house or seen anyone aside from my family & I am losing it. To be honest, I was a bit confused as to why I was feeling like a caged animal when nothing really changed from my life except for not going to work. There was even a time in my life where I didn't leave my house for two whole years so why was I going crazy? I think it has to do with the work I've been doing on myself. This past year I've worked so hard on stepping out of my comfort zone, socializing with others, even going out to places I would've never gone to a couple of years ago. As I had mentioned earlier, I had began working at the office full time & if you know me you know I LOVE my job. I love getting ready for work in the mornings & going to work because it took me a long time to get to this point & it was something I never thought I'd have. It also helps that I have really amazing coworkers who have treated me better than my own family has. Work is my safe haven as my home life is rather chaotic so taking that away from me felt like punishment so I already went into this quarantine upset.

The first couple of days I tried to keep myself busy & treated them like regular days off, avoiding the news & anything that had to do with covid-19. I've watched so many shows & movies, I've lost count. I've rewatched all three seasons of On My Block so many times, which is one of the signs I know my sadness is creeping through. I usually obsess over a movie or show during a depression episode. In 10th grade I missed 90 days of school that year & every day was spent watching Hairspray. First year of college was Law & Order & Criminal Minds. By day 5, I had Cardi B's "coronaVIRUSSSSSS" on repeat in my head & the fear of getting sick began. I was so worried, I ended up having an anxiety attack & falling asleep for hours. If you've never had an anxiety attack, I envy you. The first time I ever had an anxiety attack I was 16. I didn't know what it was, all I know is that my whole body felt numb & my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I was rushed to the emergency room where they ran all types of tests just to find out it was an anxiety attack, thankfully. That's how intense they are! I pretty much knocked myself out with anxiety.

I woke up to a text from my boss saying my job was closed indefinitely per New York state requiring nonessential businesses to close down. That caused another anxiety attack because I know myself. I know what happens when I am isolated for long periods of times. Seasonal depression & regular depression fucked me up so bad during January & February to the point where I almost quit my job because I was so unhappy, not even my one happy place could fix it. Not even my favorite person could say the right things, as much as they tried. By the time March rolled around, I felt happy because my favorite season was on it's way & all the flowers would be blooming & I had so, so many plans! Hearing that my one happy place was shutting down kind of spiraled me a bit, I wasn't even thinking about how it was going to affect me financially. Another anxiety attack. It had been months since I've had an anxiety attack & covid-19 decided to bring it with her. Aside for worrying about the decline of my mental health, I worry about my physical health. I am very afraid of catching it as it is a respiratory disease & I suffer from two on a daily basis. I worry about my dad getting it as he is diabetic & still going to work since he is considered an essential worker. I worry about my mom getting it as she is also considered essential. I have to also deal with constantly arguing with both my brothers & dad about going out. I'm scared they're going to bring it into the house & I'm going to get it. Unfortunately, with everything going on, I had to stop seeing my therapist because I just couldn't afford her anymore. It sucks because I felt like I was finally making progress! I had been sticking to a meal plan I could work with, finding different ways to cope besides food.

Losing my job, my therapist, my plans, the crippling fear of getting sick, being stuck with my family (the major cause of my anxiety), & long periods of isolation have caused me to revert back to bad coping skills. Although I haven't cut my hair yet so progress! I am trying so desperately to not let this all get to me. I am trying to remember that this is all temporary. I am trying to remember that I have a lot of people who love me & who I can reach out to. I try to remember I am not alone. I try to remember what my therapist said about worrying about things that haven't happened yet. I try to remember to not be so hard on myself for not sticking to my meal plan because tomorrow is a new day. I try to remember I can't control anything except for my perspective of things. I think of the quality time I get to spend with my dog & family. I think of all the shows I finally have time for. Maybe I can find new music to get into. Maybe I'll finally decide to organize my life. I try to remember everything my therapist told me. I try to envision when we are able to go back to work. When I'm able to go sit by the water. When I'm able to go on Target runs & ice cream dates with my best friend. When I'm able to go for drinks with friends. My first concert after quarantine. Thankful for having a house to quarantine in. Thankful to have food for my family. Thankful my loved ones & I are healthy so far & praying it stays that way.

Praying, praying, praying. I have found myself praying so much through this all. Anyone who knows me knows I hate organized religion but I do believe in God. I have a weird relationship with God because I question why he makes innocent people suffer. I remember praying my whole childhood, praying for the hurt to stop, praying for everything to get better but it never did. I felt like he never listened to me, no matter how much I prayed, no matter how good I was. My feelings of The Universe & God are very complex but lately I have found myself praying for everyone around me, praying for some miracle to end all of this because there are so many people suffering & dying over this disease. I'm not sure if he hears me but I keep trying.

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It's currently 2:30 AM & the days just kind of all mesh together but Sunday still has that Sunday feeling. I'm listening to my playlist with all the songs I love to sing at the top of my lungs because I needed a little burst of happiness right now. Most of them are love songs & the hopeless romantic in me is fully soaking in every word. I've spent the earlier part of the night watching videos about nipple piercings because I've lowkey been wanting to get mine pierced because it's something way, WAY out of my comfort zone. Although after much research I have decided against it ... maybe 😁. I'm definitely getting two new tattoos to add to my half sleeve when this is over.

The majority of the night has been spent thinking of what I've learned so far about myself & how I'm going to use this information moving forward. I definitely want to enjoy life more. I think about all the days I wasted, not going out because I was afraid of people looking at me, saying something about me. I think about if something were to happen to me, there are so many things I've left unsaid. Like, will I ever have the guts to tell the guy I've been crushing on FOREVER how I feel about him? Probably not yet, let's be real. I am so afraid it is unrequited love & don't know what I would do. I already feel foolish for having these feelings, I'm not ready to add another level of embarrassment. My favorite poem at the moment describes exactly this feeling. It's called "Unrequited Love in 9 Parts" by Sabrina Benaim.

My 3 favorite quotes are:

• "1) The question hangs a hook through my pink cheek. How did you do that thing that you did to my heart?"

• "5) Her name is a wooden ship to try & force it into his glass bottle. Heart would only break her."

& My absolute favorite:

6) A montage of all the times I wished you had taken my hand & then, when you didn't, & the moment passed a montage of all the places I wished myself far far away to: Portland, Barcelona, basically any place I have never seen your smile.

I know after everything is said & done, we will all be changed forever with this pandemic. I feel like we will all come out a little stronger. As a society, we see who actually makes the world go round. It's kind of exciting to see that people finally realizing what you've been speaking about before & how we all want change, for everyone. After all is said & done, I know I will definitely be changed. Sometimes something drastic has to happen to make you open your eyes & see what was missing all along. I can't wait until this nightmare is over. Catch me listening to YHLQMDLG at ignorant levels all summer 2020 & beyond.

Until then, I will be in my room rewatching On My Block for the umpteenth time because I am living for Jasmine & Ruby together ❤

& can we talk about fucking Spooky? 🤤😍

I would gladly risk it all for him.

As always, I appreciate everyone taking the time to read anything I post. I write posts not expecting anyone to read them & then I get messages from people being so supportive & kind so thank you from the deepest corner of my heart 💖💖💖💖💖

Love,

Saddie