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  • Writer's pictureSaddie

Remembering What It Feels Like To Fly

2020 has been the year of intense emotions & energy. Just when I thought this year was going to bring me nothing but pain & stress, December came around & showed me what living actually is. It turns out I’ve been missing out on so much. As I sit here writing this post, I can't help to reflect on all the things I had planned for 2020. I wanted to go out more, HA. I thought I would be with the loml - HAHAHA. So many other things planned that never came to be & somehow I am ending this year happy. Genuinely happy & it feels so good. Iain Thomas said it best: “Everything has changed & yet, I’m more me than I’ve ever been.”

It's been two months since I posted last & I'm not going to lie, it was a rough November. I cried so much, but looking back it's as if I was shedding the old me because December turned around in ways I never expected. November I dealt with picking myself apart & asking The Universe why I wasn't good enough for someone, why I didn't deserve to be happy like everyone else. I just kept questioning why this was happening to me & what I did to deserve this. All I saw around me was everyone happy & here I was sad. It truly felt like my life wasn’t going to get better. It's crazy how perspective can change EVERYTHING.

In the beginning of November I was dealing with matters of the heart, amongst other things. I pretty much lost the person I loved & had hoped I would have a future with. I felt like I didn't even deserve to be sad because we never dated but the hope & possibility of "what if" broke me in ways I didn't know possible. Do you know how hard it is to try & get over someone you have feelings for while having to see them every single day? Every day, since July, I had to walk into work & act as if my heart didn’t feel like it was shredded into a million pieces. Now imagine having to see the person you love flirt with everyone around you except you. He should’ve just taken my heart out of my chest & put it in a blender. It’s not like I could say “please stop, this is hurting me.” It’s not like I could stop talking to him because it would make things weird. It’s something I had to deal with in silence. Seeing everything happening around me had me feeling extremely insecure, as if something was wrong with me. I already had trust issues with people claiming to be my friends & betraying me, it felt like it was happening all over again but I was still in this weird mindset that I didn’t have the right to feel this way because he was never mine to begin with. I must’ve listened to every single sad song ever made in November.

I started asking The Universe why *I* wasn't good enough for him? What could *I* change for him to choose me? It hurt that the person I prayed for would choose everyone else in the world but me. You know what The Universe did? It changed my perspective. It was all of a sudden too because I remember one day, out of the blue, I asked myself "what the fuck makes *him* worthy of me?!" What did I look like begging for someone to see me as a human being with actual feelings? Matter of fact, what did I look like begging a man for anything period? I sat & thought to myself, "am I in love with him or the idea of him that I created in my head?" Everything looks perfect when you have rose-colored glasses but when you take them off, you see their true colors & truth be told, the version I created in my mind was way better than him in reality. I tend to see the best in people & that's what I focused on with him. That's not to say he's not great because he is. He is one of the sweetest men I've ever met, he's funny & he cares for people. The way he treats people is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. But there were certain things he'd say that I would ignore because no way would that come out of my baby's mouth! I refused to give it thought. Some of his actions were questionable as well & driven by ego & greed which, for me, is such a turnoff. He's also kind of afraid of his own shadow. I'm not saying a big, tough man but I would like to feel somewhat protected by my partner. Everyone has flaws so I'm not about to sit here & drag him but flaws can also come as red flags. Once I started peeling back these layers, the perfect version of him that I created started to disappear & now what's left is me seeing what he is & what the situation is. We probably never would've worked out honestly. Unfortunately for me, I still look at him & have strong feelings for him. Today I caught myself smiling at everything he said & I was like oh hell nah, let's reel this back in. I appreciate my feelings for him though, because I remember there was once a time when I thought I would never be able to feel something like this. For this reason alone, I am grateful for this person.

So where did this leave me? I started facing reality, taking my meds, focusing on myself. I started saying no to things I didn't want to do & only doing things *I* wanted to do. I stopped second guessing myself, from decisions in my life to what I posted because honestly, who gives a fuck? I also lost 12 lbs this month. It's a miracle what can happen when you actually eat instead of starving yourself so a guy can like you. December showed me I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to & I don't think I've ever felt this way. I walk with a little more pep in my step these days & I love it.

December also made me confront a lot of unresolved trauma & learn how to move forward from it. I have been through so much in my life, things I've never spoken about. Things I've been afraid to talk about out loud. I have never been comfortable with any sort of male attention because the only male attention I've gotten has been negative & awful. If there was any positive male attention, it was superseded by my traumatizing past. For some reason this month has brought A LOT of male attention. I'm talking about guys constantly hitting me up, even some wanting to buy me things. At work I was even getting gifts & compliments that made me so uncomfortable. It's all just been overwhelming. It's easy to ignore people online but in person it's completely different. I freeze & don't know what to say & it has nothing to do with the guys (although there have been instances where boundaries were crossed). It has all to do with the fact that I am terrified of men because I don't know their true intentions. I've had to come face to face with the reasons why I feel like this & start to move forward because my first instinct is to run when things become too much. I've ruined many connections out of fear.

One of the resolutions I did for my "golden year" birthday was to be more open to new things & experiences, fuck anxiety. Being anxious all the time has hindered me in so many ways & I'm just so over letting it control me. Because of my past, I've never, ever allowed myself to get close to anyone in a physical way. I didn't think I would ever be ready, to be completely honest. My body had been through enough, without my consent. The thought of intentionally letting someone in, & them possibly hurting me, made me sick to my stomach.

They say things happen when you least expect it & I'm starting to believe this to be true. If anyone in my family is reading this, I'm sorry but you knew this eventually would happen. Two weeks ago I experimented for the first time with someone. Nervous doesn't even begin to describe it! Like I couldn't stop shaking from the nerves. It wasn't that I didn't want to do anything or felt pressured, it was just so new to me. I am incredibly grateful & lucky this person has been nothing but respectful of my boundaries & I consider a friend. Also, what does this say about society that someone being a decent human is so weird? Like this should be the norm, not an anomaly! Anyways, I find a strange comfort with him that I've never felt with anyone else, which is odd because never did I see this happening when we became friends. He's also not even my type so there's that. I think with any situation like this, it's easy to focus on your insecurities but I can say, for the first time ever, I didn't even think twice about my body. I think I was more insecure in the fact that I was inexperienced but he was so chill about it. Even when my awkwardness & doubt started to creep in, he assured me everything was okay & I couldn't have asked for anyone better, honestly. I used to think I had to be a certain size to deserve this type of respect but I was sleeping on myself & it took a real man to show me that.

This experience has definitely opened up a different side of me, a side I'm super excited to explore. I'm not going to lie, the internalized misogyny is REAL. I felt like I was doing something wrong when this is literally the most natural thing. Maybe I'm not doing things the "traditional" way because I'm not in a relationship with this person, but what is traditional anyways? There's not a rule book on how to do things & as long as it's consensual & respectful, that is all I care about. I know my friends are a little worried I might be getting in a little over my head, especially so soon after heartbreak. But I can honestly say I am okay. I'm not putting pressure on myself or the situation, just being fully present & enjoying the moment & experiencing different versions of myself. I have no other expectations & that's okay!

So that pretty much wraps up my 2020! A lot of lows but ending with highs & the highs were so worth it. I have so many plans for 2021, pandemic aside. March is looking like the month I get surgery, which I'm equal parts nervous & excited for. I still have 25 lbs to lose but I know I can do it. I'm so close! Aside from surgery, I'm very excited to just fully live my life for me & experience it. ALL OF IT. I am ready for it & I claim all the blessings The Universe has to offer me. I will continue loving people & giving them their flowers because, regardless if it didn't work out with the ex loml, loving him made it easier to show love to other people. Imagine the type of love I had for this man, the love I could have for others? It's all love around here.

As always, thank you to all who take the time to read my posts! ❤ There are so many people, some I've never even met, who support me & show me love every single day & I wonder how I got so fucking lucky to have an amazing support system! I can't wait to continue writing about the new experiences The Universe has to offer me & having y'all along for the ride!

Happy New Year! I hope 2021 brings us ALL the blessings, happiness & love ❤

A photo dump. You can see the genuine happiness in these pictures 💖😌

Here's to more pictures & tattoos in 2021! 💖


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