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  • Writer's pictureSaddie

Hello September.


It's been awhile since I last updated. I posted one earlier today that I wrote a month ago & was hesitant to post it but it's interesting to see how much my life changes from month to month.

Today is Monday, September 3rd, 2018. I'm excited to see what this new month will bring me because I feel like I have been putting things out in the universe so lets see if they come to me..

August was an intense month for me. Work was INSANE. I worked 14 days straight, sometimes 12 hour days when I realized that I needed a break. I decided to take the last week of August to myself & to take care of the things I haven't been able to because I've been at work. 

What did I do on my first day off? I watched Netflix all day. I know - BORING. It was great. (By the way, please watch To All The Boys I've Loved Before because it is such a cute movie & I'm obsessed.)

This past Monday I had my monthly weigh in. I lost 3 lbs this past month. I'm trying to be positive about it because I had lost 11 lbs in July so to have only lost 3, I was kinda upset. I know exactly why it happened & I can't blame anyone but myself. A positive thing that came out of this weight in was that I am 92 lbs down & we have begun talking about a surgery date which makes all this even more real. I am aiming to have surgery by the middle of January.

Lately I've been under a lot of stress & there's a lot going on & I feel like I can't handle it. I learned my dad was getting sick during the middle of August. He's a diabetic who hasn't been on his medication for about 5 months. When he finally went to the doctor, he was told he is on the verge of kidney failure if we don't get this under control. Suddenly I found myself back into the caretaker role I had stepped back from. I was now injecting my dad daily & I had blamed myself because I was not on top of his appointments as I should have. I know most people will say "he's a grown man, he should've done it himself." That's correct but it's still hard not to blame myself. It's also been hard because as much as I love my dad, he is not perfect. He has his own vices & I can't help him if he doesn't help himself. It's awful seeing someone you love making choices that affect them & those around them. This goes for both my parents. They are the nicest people in the world but they were not meant to be parents & I have come to accept that.

Between dealing with my parent's shit & work, I became super stressed. My hair began falling out, I started breaking out really bad, (😭😭😭) & I began to eat my feelings. When it comes to binge eating, I know it's bad. But when you begin an episode, it's almost like your mind shuts off. All you can focus on is eating. You barely remember what you're eating. It's something I had stopped doing but with all the stress, my binge eating had returned. 

I have been able to regain control of myself again & I think the week off definitely helped. During the remainder of my week off, I decided to do things I wanted to do. 

A List of Things I Did On My Week Off

Listened to a ton of new music & found a new artist I like. (Narcissist - No Rome ft. The 1975 is a fucking BOP.)

Decluttered my room as much as I could.

Finally got into Power (I know, I'm late.)

Wrote poems

Got a new tattoo.

I just want to apologize to everyone who recommended Power to me & I just brushed them off. This show has me hooked & further proves that I could never be about that life!! I'm in the middle of season 3 & I have had to physically restrain myself from watching another episode because I want to write this blog. Also, I read all the spoilers. I love spoilers because I hate surprises & I just want to say that JULIO FUCKING DESERVED BETTER!!!

Anyways, I have begun writing. I have always wanted to write. I've always joked about writing a book called A Child Named Sad Die & there may or may not be a couple of chapters on one of my old laptops. What stopped me was that I felt I wasn't good at it. It started off with a poem I wrote in May. I began writing one poem a month. I'd like to thank Carmen for encouraging me to write & not laughing at my poems. I'm not sure if I will ever share my full poems because they are so raw for me. Completely unfiltered feelings I'm not ready to expose to anyone yet. ONE DAY!

On the final day of My Week Off, I went & got a tattoo. Technically I added to an existing tattoo but still. I walked into the Cliff's Tattoo Shop on Friday with my best friend, Liz. We were on a mission: piercings for Liz & a tattoo for I. Liz went first. As I sat there holding her hand while she got all her piercings, I was thinking if I would actually go through with it. It's not that I'm scared of tattoos. I honestly didn't want to hear anything from my family about me getting them. They're very opinionated on everything. But I'm so over people telling me what I should & shouldn't do with my body. I don't see anyone else being told what they can do with their body but when it comes to mine, everyone feels like they can tell me what I should be doing.

As we waited for one of the artists to become free, I start to think of this as another way to reclaim a little piece of myself & doing something for myself without thinking of anyone else's feelings before mine. Rick was the artist the universe chose for me. I explained how I might want to cover up my "love yourself" tattoo I got about 6 years ago. He said he can do that if I wanted but I ended up having second thought. He told me to give him time to draw something up. I was excited to see what he would come up with. He came back out with a sunflower & a butterfly perched on it (exactly what I asked for) & he put the stencil on my wrist. Now, I hadn't planned on getting a big piece. In fact, I was looking at little accent tattoos but once he put the stencil on, I couldn't imagine it being any smaller. I was in love. He began working on it & I knew it was perfect even before he added color. 

Almost 3 hours later, he came out with this beautiful baby: 

I can't stop looking at it. It's very symbolic as to what my life is currently. The sunflower reflects my happiness & the butterfly is me. At least that's how I see it. I love it & I'm grateful I had a great tattoo artist who made me feel comfortable & did an amazing job.

Slowly I see myself gaining more self-confidence. This self love journey isn't a walk in the park & a lot of it is taking it until you make it. I hope to continue evolving. I'm trying to think of what I want to do in these upcoming months. I do know that I want to incorporate more excercise into my life. Work is supposed to be slowing down which will give me a chance to have a schedule I can keep up with. I want to lose at least 10 lbs by my 25th birthday in October & 25 down by December to be ready for my surgery in January. I do plan on going heavy with the documentation these next couple of months because this is all very life changing. I want to see my life & thoughts before all of this.

If you made it this far, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read this & thank you to everyone's kind words. I appreciate everything anyone has ever said.

I will hopefully be back by next week. I'm trying to do better!!!

Until next time! 

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