top of page
Recent Posts
  • Saddie

I Totally Suck At This

*I wrote this on July 30th, 2018. It has been in my drafts ever since & was debating on posting it but here it is.*

Hello friends,

It's been so long & I always start this the same way because I am so bad at updating, it's not even funny. It's been almost 5 months since I last updated & BOY have things changed. I got my nose pierced & did a bit of soul searching. Most people wouldn't think these are big changes but to me, they are everything.

The last time I updated in March, I was down 57 lbs. I am so happy to say that I am down 89 lbs & lost 11 lbs in the month of July alone! It's been a tough journey & it is far from over but I am so close to my second goal, I can feel it. I wish I could say that I lost this weight by eating healthy & working out everyday but that's not the case at all.

Let's start from where we last left off ...

As we entered April, my job started picking up as we were getting ready to enter The Season. When I first started my job in August 2017, I had entered at the tail end of The Season so I had no idea what to expect. As it started to get busier, I began working 6 days a week. My eating habits were okay for the most part & I was staying on track. I was so mad because for the months of April & May I had only lost about 5 lbs each time.

Once June began, I was working almost 7 days a week, pulling 12 hour days. I barely wanted to take off my makeup at the end of the day, meal prepping was the last thing I was doing. For the most part of June & July, I was eating one meal a day & living off string cheese, Greek yogurt & water. I think it was a combination of many things but it all comes down to the fact that I was tired & I was anxious from dealing with customers (more on this later.) The anxiety was causing physical symptoms like nausea, heartburn & headaches that I just couldn't eat even if I had tried.

So, eating once a day & working myself into exhaustion was how I managed to lose weight for the month of July. It is not healthy at all & I do not recommend it.

In all honesty, I could have not worked all those days because I was covering shifts for others & yeah, the money is cool & all, but this was not about the money. I worked 14 days straight, 10 - sometimes 12 - hour days because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this. See, had you told me that I would be able to do this a year & a half ago, I would've laughed. Actually, I would've barely been able to laugh because i was still on oxygen. Flash forward a year & a half later, that same girl who couldn't leave her house is now killing it at work. I genuinely enjoy going to work everyday & it's not only because the people I work with are kinda cool, but because every single day that I go, it's another day forward for me. Another day that my body, who has been THROUGH it, has made it & is well. Everyday it's like LOOK WHAT MY BODY CAN DO? It's a great feeling. I know it sounds so small in the grand scheme of things but to me, this is everything. May - July were definitely months of challenging myself & proving things to myself because I am the only person who matters.

These past couple of months I have began to express myself more & being myself, without apologizing for it. I'm tired of apologizing for the space I take up. if you don't like what I'm wearing, don't look at me & if you don't like what I'm saying or that I'm being too "extra", fuck off. There was this tweet I saw last week that really struck me because it summed up exactly how I have been feeling for the past 2 months.

I didn't know that what I have been feeling these past couple of months was happiness. Once I realized this is what it was, suddenly I began to see it in everything. I've began to see life a lot differently & what really is important. I've made a lot of changes this past year but one of my greatest accomplishments is getting off of my antidepressants & anxiety medication. In no way am I shaming people who medication. I am a huge advocate for everyone to find whatever it is that will help them live a happy life & if you need medication, like I did, don't feel ashamed. But it's hard to explain how it feels to finally let go of something you were once dependent on. It's the same feeling I had when I was off the oxygen. It was just another challenge that I proved to myself I could pass.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all rainbows & butterflies all the time. But the amount of bad days I've had vs good days is worth everything when there was once a time when I couldn't remember what being happy even felt like. There have been a couple of times, especially within the past week, where my anxiety has gotten the best of me.

Last Wednesday I had dealt with one of our more difficult customers for pretty much the whole day. I had never spoken to someone who was so condescending & entitled & after the phone call ended, I thought I was okay. At this point it was around 6 pm & there was only 3 people left in the office, including my best friend (more on her later.) 10 minutes after the phone call I an just remember this sudden urge to cry & I was trying to ignore it because I was at work. I opened up Solitaire (because it's a new tactic I've been using to distract myself during moments of anxiety) & was trying to desperately fight the urge I felt coming out. What sucks is that I know those around me noticed my sudden mode but didn't realize it was an anxiety thing so I just kind of came off like a bitch. My best friend had walked over to my desk to ask if I was okay & in that moment I felt everything come rushing out & I almost knocked her out of the way running to the bathroom so I could cry. I literally cried in the bathroom for about 5 minutes before she came in to console me. Then I was embarrassed because I had cried at work for the second time that week & it's such a small office, with the bathroom within ear shot of my boss' office. She told me it was okay to feel how I felt because it just proved that I was human. The thing about anxiety is that there is absolutely no logic to it. In that moment I felt so weak & vulnerable & angry that I let someone get to me but in hindsight, the fact that I let it out in that moment helped me move past it.

I would say working has definitely helped me tremendously in many aspects of my life. It has helped me come out of my shell a lot & it helps that they acknowledge the effort I put into my work. I'm starting to feel a lot more comfortable around the people I work with which is great because I'm not comfortable around many people. I have been given more responsibility at work & am taken more serious which is also great. All in all, work is great for me & if I didn't have to deal with the 7% of terrible customers, it would be absolutely perfect.

Another life changing moment for me was getting my nose pierced! The last Sunday of May I had texted Carmen like "fuck it, I'm getting my nose pierced!" Carmen being Carmen was like "let's do it." Like I was kind of just texting out loud, hoping someone would talk some sense into me but nah, she came with me on Monday & brought extra reinforcement along for the ride. There Carmen, Kendra & I were - sitting in the tattoo shop, waiting for an hour until the piercer came in at 10:30 pm. It all happened so fast. It was like 3 minutes in total & I walked out a brand newish person.

bottom of page