Reflection & Progression
Here we are in December. It’s hard to believe 2018 was an actual year, never mind the fact we survived it. I’ve spent the past couple of weeks reflecting on my life – where I’ve been, where I am, where I want to be. I’m not going to lie, it’s been really hard. Self care isn’t sheet masks & positive vibes. It’s a lot of hard work – especially when it comes to forgiveness & moving on. What they don’t tell you is that you will cry (in my case it’s a lot because I LITERALLY CRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME). During this time of self-reflection, I’ve come to terms on what type of person I am, what I’m looking for out of life & where I stand in other people’s lives.
& this, ladies & gentlemen, is what happened during this Mercury Retrograde.
The month of November was, what I would describe, a couple of good days with a whole bunch of days. I’ve really been trying to think positive on my life, but it’s become really hard & I am not going to feel guilty for feeling how I feel. The truth is I’ve been feeling sad & lonely. Not lonely in the sense that I need a significant other or anything because I have way too much shit going on in my life to even think about adding someone else to the mix. It’s loneliness in the sense that I feel left out in a lot of things in life. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m complaining, but it seems like I am always a second option to everyone in my life. I completely know people have their own lives – I’m not talking about being included into every aspect of their lives but fuck, is it too much to ask to be thought of when it comes to plans happening in my own house?! You know what though? I will take some responsibility because I shut myself away from anything social for awhile because of my anxiety & I wasn’t ready, but I’ve been preparing myself slowly & I feel like it’s still not good enough for some people. Like, I know how far I’ve come in my journey, but it has written me off in people’s books as someone they want to hang around. & I get it, I don’t blame them because it is a lot to handle but an invite would be nice, not a pity invite. I’m always thought of last when it comes to anything fun but when it comes to needing help, people always think of me first. Don’t get me wrong, I love helping people & I will always help someone if they need it but when the only time people want anything to do with me is when they need help, it makes you feel like you’re just being used & it’s one of the worst feelings in the entire world.
This has caused me to reevaluate my position in people’s lives & whether I want to continue dealing with it or just move on. I’m trying not to dwell on the negative people in my life because it’s not fair to the amazing people in my life who show me nothing but unconditional love & support. This is not a rant against them because there is not a day I don’t appreciate the handful of people who love me through my anxiety, my happy days, my bad days & all the days in between. Really though, why am I even trippin about those who do not wish to have me in their lives when I have been blessed with great people who make me feel included & like I’m not a bother? Sometimes I need to say things out loud (on the internet) for them to make sense.
Don’t think I've only spent time in the loneliness department this past month! I was also browsing through guilt, in-adequateness & jealousy! Doesn’t this sound like fun? It’s supposed to be the season of enjoying quality time with your family & friends but for me it's been a constant struggle of dealing with these emotions. If it's one thing I learned during this month, it's letting myself feel my emotions & speaking up about how I feel when I am actually feeling them rather than bottling them up & exploding later. I think it helps that I have people around me who let me know it's okay to feel.
Lately I have been feeling jealous & I have felt guilty for feeling this way because it's really a reflection of my own insecurity. It's no secret I am not that confident in myself. I have been extremely jealous of those who can be unapologetically themselves without a care in the world.
I wish I could be like that, not caring what anybody says about me. I'm scared of what people think about me. I know what people think of me because they take every opportunity they can to let me know exactly what they think of me. I can't leave my house without everyone having an opinion on my body. Some people in my family won't stop reminding me how fat I am & how I can be losing a lot more weight, random women will come up to me trying to sell me weight-loss products, & men will let me know how unattractive they find me as if I would even give them a fucking chance in the first place! Contrary to popular belief, fat people can have standards!!! I know, this is shocking! It's funny because I used to feel as if I wasn't good enough for people because I was so depressed & literally numb to everything. It wasn't until this past year where I was like "wow, I actually am fucking awesome." I have started opening up a lot recently with people, not just with my close circle but for some reason I can't open up with certain people & for that, I am jealous.
Currently, I think I found someone - a crush, I guess.
It's been about 9 months already & I've only mentioned it to my 2 best friends because I'm still trying to process this emotion & I don't want to jinx the possibility of anything. But now here I am, sharing it on the world wide web! It's my first crush in about 5 years. This sounds crazy but during my extremely depressed phase of life, I shut out every emotion. Guys would try & talk to me but once they showed interest in me, I was out. This went on for about 5 years.
Flash-forward to right now, I have a crush. I'm not sure if it's one sided or not. I'm not great at reading signs & he's made comments that may indicate there may be something there but again, I'm not sure & I'm not trying to get my feelings hurt with assumptions. Also, I'm not helping to make anything happen because I shut down around him. I wish I could be myself but I get mad nervous & overthink everything so I either come off completely rude or I say something that doesn't make sense & he ends up so confused. I'm jealous at the fact he finds it easier to interact with others around me as I'm sure they are easier to deal with because I am so fucking sensitive & everyone knows this. I guess this is why they call it a crush, because if it were easy it would be called something else. (Name that movie!)
But honestly, I'm okay with being just friends for right now because I know I'm not ready for anything yet, as much as I would want to. I have so much shit going on in my life, it wouldn't be fair to bring someone in & ask them to deal with it all. (I'm not even sure he likes me or he's just really nice so there's also that.) I think I'm also waiting for him to be a complete dick to me so this crush can be over with but he's literally the sweetest guy I have ever met so the possibility of him being a dick is slim. I also think it's not fair to think he would be an asshole because it's not in his character, from what I've seen, but it's just what I am used to. I blame this on being made fun of every single day since high school, specifically by guys. That's another trauma I'm trying to get over so I'm not really trying to get involved with anyone until I heal from this. This would be my luck: the universe would send me someone so great when I'm not ready!!! Timing has never really been on my side. On the plus side, my poems have been fucking FIRE since this whole thing has begun so that's cool.
It's safe to say I have a lot of trauma in my life. I am working on forgiving those around me, as I have held on to everything since I was very young. I am still angry about a lot of things that transpired in my life.
One big thing I've been trying to do is forgive my mom for everything. I love my mom so much. She really is one of the nicest people in the world but she was not meant to be a parent & I have come to terms with this. She's always hated being tied down & she has always been in & out of my life whenever she was tired of it. When she is in my life, she makes it a living hell & when she is out of my life, I was constantly worried about her, thus, making it a living hell. I have always had to be the parent. I've had to take care of 4 people since I was 9 years old (my dad, my mom & my 2 younger brothers). It wasn't fair to me because I did not choose to come into this world & I didn't give birth to my brothers. Even after all these years, I can't believe I'm still angry. I'm angry because I've missed out on so much in life because of this. I feel like I am just starting to experience the good parts of life because my kids are grown.
To begin healing from this, I looked back on everything I've gained instead of what I've lost.
Because I've had to deal with such responsibility at a young age, I learned to be
self-sufficient & independent. I learned how to be
compassionate & empathetic because of what I've been through.
I think those are some of the most important characteristics anyone can have. If we had more compassion, the world would be a greater place.
I am still hurt by a lot of things but what is that doing for me currently? All this hurt, all this anger, all of this has only made me hurt myself. It's caused me sadness, that sadness turning into binge eating. Binge eating led me to gaining a lot of weight & the weight gain has caused me a lot of anxiety & the anxiety has caused me a lot of damage - physical, emotional & mental
Honestly, I am trying to be more grateful in life because I've spent too much time focusing on the negative. I am very grateful for my family. I am grateful I have friends who are my family & support me (sometimes more than my family does). I am grateful for my work family (& I swear I'm not just saying that because some of them might read my blog!). I genuinely am grateful for them because it's because of them that I've been able to grow so much in this year & a half that I've been with them. I am grateful to work for a company who values me & makes me feel valid because I see those around me who genuinely hate their jobs & are miserable as fuck. Can't relate! I am grateful for many things, but these are the ones that stick the most out.
Let's see, what else has been going on with me this past month?
I had my weigh in on November 19 & I lost 3.5 lbs. Def not my best but it's better than the month before where I lost nothing! This brings me at a total of 98 lbs down so far which YOU GUYS, I AM 2 LBS AWAY FROM MY NEXT GOAL!!! My visit included going over the clearances I need for my surgery & I can't believe I have made it this far! I am so close! My next appointment is December 10th & I am a little nervous because there wasn't a lot of time in between from my last appointment but we will see how that goes.
I'm trying to keep a positive mind.
Some things I have been enjoying the past few weeks:
1. Poetry - It has been a big part of my life for the past few months actually. I read Tesoro by Yesika Salgado & it feels so good being able to relate to someone like me. She has inspired me to keep writing & I hope to one day share my poems on here. Another poetry book I've been enjoying is Nothing Is Okay by Rachel Wiley. I love unapologetic fat women.
2. Music - You guys know I love my music 25/8 & I would rather die than to give up my Spotify premium! Literally all my IG stories & snapchats are of the songs I'm listening to. (Head over to my playlist section to listen to all my playlists!) I have been so much more into it lately. I think it has to do with this crush because you enjoy songs a lot more when you can relate to it (Alexa, play Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer 100 times in a row). One album I've had on replay for the past 2 months is East Atlanta Love Letter by 6lack. Bops all the way! Also, I can't stop listening to Meek Mill's Championships album since it came out last Friday! I'm so sorry I ever had anything bad to say about him. Moment of appreciation for that Phil Collins intro because that shit is FIRE!!
3. TV Shows - This Is Us. That is all. Can we just take a moment to thank the writers of this show?! Like how do they do it? It's the only show I've not minded waiting week after week for the episode because I need about a week to get over the last episode. Also, where the fuck is my Jack??? If my husband isn't like Jack, I don't want him!
I also fell into peer pressure (ahem, Carmen) & began watching Grey's Anatomy. I am so late on this bandwagon & it has about a million seasons & it's probably NOT the smartest thing to watch before you're about to have surgery but here I am on season 2. Am I emotionally ready? No but whatever. Fuck my feelings right?
4. Social Media - Okay, y'all know I love me some memes! Memes are my love language! But I've also been following a lot of mental health & poetry pages. Currently my 2 favorite Instagram accounts are @gorditaapplebum & @poets. I highly recommend checking out @gorditaapplebum because she posts a lot about mental health (& she's real as fuck!) Her posts have actually been a huge help on my journey of self reflection & holding myself accountable for what I put out in the universe.
5. Long Talks - I can talk a lot. I'm pretty sure you can tell by how long my blog posts are but I actually never used to be able to talk to anyone in fear of them not understanding me. Lately I've been able to go on & on for hours about everything. Poor Carmen & Liz because I have not been able to shut the fuck up about anything! God bless them for listening to me. I swear I cry in Carmen's car about once a week & the only reason it's once a week is because we don't work everyday during the off season.
So yeah, this is what I've been up to lately. It's been a rough couple of weeks but I've come out of this Mercury retrograde with a clearer mind on what I want out of life & who I want to be.
I want to be my own peace. I don't want to rely on someone else to be my peace. I often joke that I am weak but I really am strong & I have to see myself for who I am. I have to accept & love my body for how far it's gotten me & where it'll take me.
I look forward to what the last 3 weeks of 2018 have in store for me because this year was huge in the sense of personal milestones for me. I'll definitely be documenting the last couple of weeks, especially since I am beginning therapy this Saturday, which will hopefully lead to more healing.
Thank you, as always, for taking the time to read this. The amount of love & support I've gotten from you guys has been so amazing. When I first started this blog, the thought of people I knew in real life reading this made me doubt starting it in the first place but people have been so nice & supportive & have told me how much they relate to it. So thank you, I appreciate you guys taking the time to read about lil' old me.
I'll definitely be doing a 2018 wrap-up as my next post before the new year that'll include my goals for 2019 so be on the lookout for that!